Spatialisation for/in(of) an Egg

my new site.

2009-11-26T18:24:00.002Z

i now share my thoughts at this site: http://web.mac.com/sheandaan

please come visit at your own leisure. :DD

野薔薇 – 觀後感

2009-11-21T16:27:00.001Z

回到我的小電腦面前，我的感動卻沒有減退。真不知道甚麼時候開始變得眼淺。

小小的她，洋溢著滿滿的愛與幸福，在台上努力唱著跳著，我的心接收到那些滿滿的用心。所謂偶像，對我而言，也許就是那夢境中的自己吧。也許某部份的我，想要成為就是那樣的女生的她，所以很容易把她的歌聽進心坎裡，融合成為我生命的一部份。

凋零含苞綻放

我承認我不能理性地去分享關於這場演唱會的褒貶，因為我抱持感性的心境去體驗，當然也因為我沒有這方面的過人知識。簡單來說，技術可能不是最好的，但是我會高聲喊值回票價，因為我帶了很多的美麗心情回來，我失散的好能量好靈感也隨著演唱會的結束不斷在我的靈魂裡頭堆疊起來。

視聽藝術，凡能讓我的心揪一下，像鉤子那樣挑撥出毛球，讓我思緒反覆回想回享，對我而言就是值得收藏的記憶，不管那收藏的形式是甚麼。說起來，這是我在台北看的第一場演唱會，也有可能是唯一的一場。震撼我的不是藝術者所展示出來的閃亮武器，不是背後付出的多大努力，而是更加心靈層面的東西。沒有預料是那樣的，但是想起來，她的多首創作，甚至是她這個人，確實打開了我生命中很多的可能性。就是，若少了這麼一位藝術工作者，至少在我的立場看來，我的生命確實會少了點甚麼。就像她說的，那些歌都是她宣洩的管道，而很多人也從這中間找到屬於自己的共鳴，得到情緒上的釋放。

更開心的是，感動的不是我一個人而已，即使層面不一樣，程度大不同。

做我旁邊的母親不只一次地稱讚著她的美，我知道那不單指外貌。

“像梅艷芳。”

是的。我媽說得還真對。是有那種韻味，那種神情，就是更多了小女人，更多了點任性，更多了點可愛。

能夠見證戴佩妮下半輩子的第一場演唱會，我是受到祝福的，而某程度上，我也感同身受地，慶祝著我的另一個開始。不是說說的，2009年11月21日，我的生命有了一個角度上的起伏轉變，不能預測未來的方位，可是相信那是往信念、勇氣與執著繼續努力的一條任性卻是我嚮往的道路。

好玩的意境

2009-11-18T16:04:00.003Z

我的人生像是在追求一種叫做意境的東西一樣

對人事物產生感覺了之後

就是離開的時候

那個點就是要夠準

嗆到淚水的話除非是暴走

就那次以後我慢慢學會留住那麼一點點的空間

留給遺憾失望離別哀愁

當它們無處可走寂寞需要放假的時候

我這裡就有地方可以收容它們

而我會趁機也讓自己流浪去

流浪本來不是我愛的事

但隨著不得已的人生規劃

我就這樣流浪外頭很多年了

說起來現在要我定居我可能還會不習慣

而事實上我更加習慣成為塵世中的陌生人了

因為我漸漸發現那樣比較好玩

真的就是因為還沒有長大

所以喜歡一直當個外人那種你不知道怎麼做也沒關係因為你是外地來的那種外人

這感覺其實很棒可以融入但又可以抽離的矛盾狀態這時候可以並存於一體了真的好棒

就像全世界都覺得我很適合駕駛四輪驅動旅車

而我內心一直嚮往環保跑車的道理是同樣的

矛盾在我的世界可以並存而且我很高興可以這樣

像是無意識無狀態地說明了我的性格一樣

摸不清底這件事是真的好玩

今晚

我看來是愛上了好玩這兩個字了

繼續進行吧

那陽明山上的霧

撲朔迷離傻傻分不清楚

這下子我沒有離題了吧

真夠好玩的

2009-11-18T11:49:00.004Z

我對食物鍾愛的程度不是凡人可以理解的

那天看了康熙來了有個胖胖的名人說是冰箱要滿滿的才有安全感

看來我還挺像他的

吃這件事情像是對我很重要一樣

該不會是還沒脫離口腔期吧

所以啊說到減肥

還是找別的方法好了

就醬說服自己繼續貪吃下去

人生多好玩啊

所以說我為甚麼那麼喜歡黑夜啊

2009-11-17T14:35:00.003Z

懶得長大了

我內心所認定的大人世界太多阿諛逢迎

想到那一些我都累了

我只想要用我的方式去面對這個世界

很討厭去想那些我認為無謂的事

恕我任性好了

自由我想要得太迫切的東西

總讓我太沈淪的原因

何時得以遠走

環遊沒有預警的未來

收集讓我開心的片段

我的心態還是如此幼稚不可理喻

如同欲騎重機奔騰在無盡的夜

讓心事跟著街燈與冷風劃過我的臉龐

消逝在星空之中

被霧氣消化掉

然後熊抱著黑夜投入一場可歌可泣的藝術電影

幻想著自己的世界可以有怎樣的改變

心裡卻明白醒過來的早上依然要面對很多不能改變的

但至少迷濛的黑夜縱容我發夢

這樣的渾噩也許足夠形成微妙的變遷吧

努力生活著

2009-11-17T14:06:00.002Z

也許我這種年紀是不應該無所事事的但是我會告訴自己現在的我在努力生活著

生活的根本是甚麼呢

工作就是生活嗎

老實說我只想體會生命中的一切去追求我所喜歡的一切

我處於一種放長假的狀態而往後的日子有人告訴我我會變得很忙

真實與否還不能考究可是我只知道每一天的存在是有其意義的

每一首我聽了會心動會淌淚的歌不是沒有原因的

每一瞬間不是偶然的縱使我們感覺那些微不足道的都沒有力量可言

宇宙的力量不是我們人類能夠完整體會的

所以我常想說

我們都該真心去體會這一刻

這一刻只有這一刻才能有所謂的永恆

如果世間太多的不幸讓你覺得自己太幸福

那就撥送你的幸福吧

分享你的喜樂只會讓你更快活

I like to think that....

2009-11-12T02:25:00.002Z

I like to think that, I am giving inspiration of some form to some people.

I like to think that when I write I have took time to organise myself and to heal myself.

I like to think that, I have effectively used writing to express what I cannot express with my poor verbal communication skills.

I like to think that, my writing is classified as an art form, such that interpretation is open, and that it is beyond the superficial meaning of words itself. My words do not necessarily have to mean what they should mean, but should mean what they ought to mean to you.

信念的力量

2009-11-08T16:59:00.003Z

世界上有太多太多的美好值得我們細細品嚐鞠躬敬仰反覆感受誠心相信屏息期待努力執行

剛剛看過了李安導演的特輯心中有一種感動讓我沈淪

彷彿我又回到那個《色‧戒》的晚上

眼淚也盈了眼眶

現在的我願意花時間去慢慢的咀嚼這些人的用心因為我知道他們的態度是值得被尊敬的

或許我真是個隱性的被虐狂

任由我的感受跟著走然後任由記憶蹂躪著我的心情可是對我來說卻像是上課學習一樣

我學到的遠比填鴨式的該死基本教育來得深遠打入心坎

人類死背（也許侷限於華人傳統教學）的教學文化完完全全忽略了我們是有感情的動物

光靠腦不靠心有用嗎？真的學到東西了嗎？

不怪誰

只是隨地撒了一盆狗血而已

總之我是不會放棄對於社會的一些憧憬的

對於人類所能創造出來的美

我從來不懷疑

倒是想參與一腳

當個小咖也不賴

當個受益的觀想者也很有趣

只要我還相信

信念

這種神呼奇蹟的能量

是多麼地舒坦啊

就像是氧氣那樣

深一深呼吸

就充滿元氣與原動力

像是真的能夠改變世界一樣

握緊信念

我們繼續

笑努力向前跑

人的奮鬥精神

連我們心中的神

也會感動的

你會一個人去看電影嗎？

2009-11-05T17:39:00.004Z

你會一個人去看電影嗎？

若說音樂給我的那種心靈撼動是無從理性分析的話，那對電影這回事，我亦同樣把持著一股衝動，感覺對了，就真的出發去電影院了。

***

我了解我的寫作方式，在脫離所謂學術包袱的情況下，總是沒有主題可言。開段的語詞輕重無法讓讀者，甚至是作者本身去估計、去預測該段落所要表達的內容與情感。你大可以說這是掩飾事與情的真與實，但我的世界裡，就是那樣的雜亂無章，如此的不按牌理出牌。就像我想要一個人看一場電影，那種想要孤立的心態一樣，是徘徊在隨性與任性之間的一種行為上的表現。而這中間的拿捏，就是最美的人生哲理，是屬於公主與王子世界裡才需要拿出來表揚的美。不甜不咸不膩不辣不酸不苦。剛剛好的理想國度，並非我的盤中餐。重蹈著完美並不屬於我偏愛的美，一切到最後將會淪落至乏味之境地。就此可解說了，鍾愛層次與變換，凌亂與工整，偏激與平淡，不僅僅屬於隨性/任性的生活方式，而是創造故事的柴米油鹽醋，其多寡則是個人風格的重要表象。

至少現在的我，依舊可以想著這一些事。

生是一回事，活著又是另外一件事了。沒事是沈澱的形式，煩事是長智的模式，瑣事是磨練耐性的程式。事事皆有其因與果，芝麻小事也請正視其存在意義啊。人生，靠自己活出來。對自身有利的心態與思考模式，沒有規矩可設定，沒有範圍可參考。終歸一個字，以“樂”為本。

怎樣？要不看個電影去？

2012: a future that will come anyhow so why not just face it

2009-11-01T16:14:00.005Z

my subtitle is, a discussion over it's symptoms (and like all diseases, symptoms will only become more apparent, no longer subliminal, undercurrent. Immediate treatment is needed for optimal recovery, or outcome, if no recovery can be achieved, in the special case of the 2012 scenario)

it's like the ultimate thing my mum is bragging about for the whole week.

but it's not nonsense, not all at least. facts do not lie, well, as things that really is happening do not make themselves up, randomly, just for the fun of it, just so that this sick sad world gets a little more interesting, other than mere discussions of economic downturn blas.

Beijing's sky decides to snow two month's earlier, and poor Americans having to face winter much earlier this year, and if YangMingShan's volcano decides to wake up from it's hibernating state, what will become of this city of Taipei? Sitting comfortably on a coach, high up a flat property, not far away from this beautiful national park, I picture myself as a victim of 'Dante's Peak'. Extreme, yes, but what the world is right now, if it isn't extreme already?

If '2012' is really to come and the world is to go through a huge change, let it come then. We human will stand as one, hopefully we will, by then.

I often tear, silently, when I think about that fact that I could still sit here and snack on my nuts and raisins, while people in Manila are suffering from outbreaks of diseases and having no place to call home, nevermind about being fed. I feel bad and couldn't quite figure out why they are so unfortunate. I am just so lucky and blessed. If you believe in incarnation, I must have done so much good deed in my past life in order for me to lead such a life in present time.

Imagine those people in regions affected by extreme pollution, I mean, what is the meaning of living and continuing, when you know you will die in a somewhat tragic manner since you are in fact out of control of your own reason of death, in most cases?

Sad isn't it? but I am no way pessimistic about the world yet.

I do strongly (hopefully this wont change when I find out worse things about the world) believe that crisis is when we see hope in a brighter light. 危機乃轉機。I guess that is what makes us human, our will is just so strong that we will never give up hope.

So many many years ago, I remember watching 'Butterfly Effect', and it remains one of my favourite movies. I learnt about its meaning and accept its power to change. Small changes are all we need, because every little step we take can bring upon a series of chain effects that will eventually give birth to a drastic change to the predicted future. So that is why we always say, our future is in our hands. Yes, of course it is, it always is, and it still is.

The lack of English books in Taiwan did not allow me to indulge in readings that I should be doing. I would like to get hold of Alain de Botton's books, as well as the original aka. non-translated version of Blessed Unrest. I stupidly ordered the Evolution's Edge, a book that got me all interested again about that long forgotten (due to lack of recall cues) System Theories, and my crazy attempt to talk about Holistic blas in my pseudo-thesis. Let's see if it will arrive on time, before I leave in a fortnight.

Enough said for this night. Hearing to news (from mum) about how severe H1N1 has become, it just gives me more reason to believe that being a raw foodist could be the best shield I have yet.

Signing off now, with symptoms of backache due to oversitting/lack of physical movement which sucks as it's 1.18am which means bed time and more lack of movement even if it means for an optimal resting phase in one's day-to-day life cycle. period.

.

2009-10-24T17:39:00.002+01:00

if my life is without music, without movies, without books, without internet, without cameras, without sunshine, without good food, and all else that are necessary to live, who would i be?

有福報的人，因而更要懂得惜福。滿足我身為人類的慾望的同時，我亦要去慢慢咀嚼消化，那些我認為能夠回饋社會的途徑。我將逐個探索，用我有限的時間，去愛惜這個地球，有生命的，沒有生命的。如果我的人生是如此的無從限制，我想我真的有義務去做這一些。我的人生功課，由我自己決定。

Goal: 350 or less.

2009-10-22T11:55:00.003+01:00

according to statistics, people in Taipei are using too much water.

I am now watching a television programme about how to save water to assist the act to save us from the consequences of climate changes. All those scary pictures of the sea-level rising and rivers drying, even the great Amazon has become this pathetic little river at your backyard!

How about Maldives? A century or less to go, and adios to this island.

Koalas in Queensland are dying to drink water. Wait a minute, koalas need to drink? Hello? Yes, they do now. Thanks to bush fires, courtesy of climate change, Eucalyptus are losing their water content, dehydrated. They had to fight with dogs (to drink) to save themselves from dehydration and from death, eventually.

Typhoons are still on their way here, and it's staying longer and routes are crazier this year round.

Very soon, something will happen at your door step. Everyone has to take action, spread the word, whatever it is that you should do, just do it.

If you have not heard about 350, you really should check it out.

and December 7th? Someone's birthday? nope. probably more important than ever. It's about our future.

as for myself, it's time I slowly get myself into a position that I can enthusiastically unravel a future that will be better for us all. Even if this means interneting all day. Sometimes, I really thank the invention of this. Otherwise, how can we spread these messages so quickly.

We are not doomed yet, not if we make the right choices from this second onwards. :DD

A Doorbell

2009-10-18T16:57:00.003+01:00

after that, I wonder what do I still care about.

Nevermind discussions of justice, of freedom, of humanity, of anything. When a genuine person, a person that has nothing against this world, has all else against him/her, do we still need to speak about principles and philosophies?

When one is fated to trip and fall, again and again, could one still not ask why to god? 'why me?' but would asking bring one the answer, or would it be better off if one just accept it as god's decision to free you and to love you more?

after that, I wonder what do I still care about.

It must be a great sign. A sign that could bring me to tears and make me cry for days and nights, mourning over those lost that all seem too surreal, too dramatised, too real to be so near and true.

It must have been all so stupid to cry all over a pillow for thoughts that are made-up and unnecessarily true. I would rather cry for a spirit of love that never asks for return, that continuously gives, that shines like the morning sun.

If love could heal you, please, continue to seek love wherever you can, and I shall pray for you.

so after that, I thank you, just the way you thank all the series of unfortunate events. Anything that happen to us, is just an event that has occur on us. The value of it being good or bad, is compared to a 'beneficial ratio' that is measured using 'us' as a mean ratio. The result, both good and bad, is magnified. We go all depressed and end our own lives, or we go all hype and happy and gay. Extremes it might seem, but life is about how we deal with dramas.

and after that, I learn to love even more.

Safe it is up here, there's no need to worry, there is no need to keep all the love to oneself. When there is no love, give love. It is so powerful that by healing others, it is perhaps how you can heal yourself too. Taking too much and you forget to let go, but by giving, there is no limits. I wish to live up to it, to love with a pure heart.

after that, I seriously have so much to think about. but I thank you.

no more what ifs.

2009-10-17T15:59:00.002+01:00

what if Maldives becomes the next wonder of the world - a country under the sea?

what if one day another crazy typhoon comes hysterically out of no where, spilling out non-stop rainfalls and destroying homes with fierce waves?

who knows when will those tragedies on tv come to meet us?

what if we ran out of clean water someday? or just think about the fact the 'a child died every 8 seconds due to water contamination'?

hows that?

***

well maybe, it's not too bad if everyone continues to cut out carbon emission like how we did in year 2009 so far. thanks to GLOBAL RECESSION and CHINA, heavy industries have to close down and China did their part to cut down industries that produces the most polluted greenhouse gas.

but that is not enough.

we must all continues to do more for ourselves and for others.

I think the recent Poetic Social Mission is amazing. I just found out about them, so yet to check them out. Maybe you guys can check it out first. One drop foundation has their own website of course, but it seems like they are not publicising this event too much in the mainstream media, or maybe not so much in Asian part of the world. Anyway i think I learnt a bit more about how our world is in deep deep crisis after watching some news special by Sisy Chen 陳文茜.

While we are still sitting comfortably in our coaches, it's time to act right and right now.

tatami bed

2009-10-16T09:28:00.002+01:00

i woke up from my afternoon nap, which never happens to me when i am in my busy uni days. maybe its the malaysian weather. you just need it to rejuvenate, especially when you do not on the aircond. i should try to do so starting from today since i dont really need it.

waking up from this nap, a thought came across my mind. if we were to build a new house, i would prefer somekind of tatami bed. surely, it's going to be some kind of eco-house, solar-powered, since malaysia totally blessed with sunshine all year round! we have good natural resources but we never learn to use them, what a shame.

so yes, it must the sweaty nap i had. and i m now dreaming about sleeping on tatami-ed floorings, some sort of bed that is so coolin that hopefully i wont need an aircond. anymore when i sleep.

cross fingers for that.

Blog Action Day

2009-10-15T15:16:00.004+01:00

Climate Change.

to rethink what we do (as in every single step we take, in the house/outside the house, everywhere).

rethink, with clear conscience, and a critical mind.

perhaps till today, no one could say for sure what actions will definitely stop how our Earth from continuing to act dramatically, but with baby little steps, one at a time, we can do a lot to save everything we care for.

***

recently

she eats raw

been doing that for days now

she felt fine

didnt needed cooked meat and warm chinese food to satisfy her naughty tastebuds

didnt need cakes that are baked at 175 celcius

didnt needed roasted coffees

big change

and she will continue to do so

she bought those cute little onya bags

the shopkeeper told her it could hold some 2 bottles of 2-pint-milk

but not that she drinks milk

she loves how she could put her groceries in it and carry them ever so easily

she wishes she could get some in Malaysia and give them to her friends

she bought an eco charger for her dad

hoping it would come in handy

but wonders about its usability

she reads the Ecologists

too bad it's gone fully online now

but it's better for the earth anyhow

her bookmark bars are filled with eco sites

like her favourite inhabitat

and she is in love with organic tees too

she is now a fan of eco fashion

she doesnt yet drive

but she probably will have to in the future

but she hopes to drive some hybrid/eco car instead of her dad's old car

she's still jobless though

looking for a job somewhere

where she can offer her enthusiasm for everything eco/organic

for the better of the earth and its inhabitants

we are all one in this

and we shall always be

受夠了

2009-10-14T16:05:00.004+01:00

我乃胸無大志之徒也～～～

有時候真的想不通為甚麼自己可以如此放蕩

還是那個英國的我比較長進

是的我已決定返回英國同那些可惡的recession/redundancies拼到底！！

無業遊民的日子恐怕還要過一陣子

台灣之行﹦一個月

then 回馬學車？（也許）

and then 英國我回來了！！！

此地真的不夷久留啊～

好不容易寫出白話文的post

也許我的腦袋真的開始癡呆了

ohno

read with caution (mind the (sometimes invisible) brackets please).

2009-10-09T17:15:00.005+01:00

i always come back from a dinner with her, feeling fresh and inspired. I know I am at a crossroad here, and i do think that i am beginning to make sense of that fog in front me, slowly but progressively. I think I can't wait till I hear her mother speaking @ Crown Hall this coming Sunday. It's going to be such a blessing for the people who come, to receive her mother's teachings. I swear I'd never stop learning about these things. Things that will eventually, be the grip that hold the human race and Mother Earth together, as one. (side-tracking case 1: the other thing that she probably would not mention, is the idea of physical touch *quotes pilates teacher @ Laban*).

My beliefs have always been with me. In an ideal world, they contribute by consciously making their appearance when choices are needed to be made. Yet sometimes, it is more often the case that a(n) (un)knowned force would drag me down that evil track, drugging down my beliefs, making them weak, and in the worst case scenario, would lead to an ultimate addiction and dependency towards IT. It, the very it we are speaking of here, is no other than the power of BIG, the power of POWER (shit i side-tracked again~!)

Ok, I must say that in the real world, in Darwin's world, 'power' has never failed to make itself important. With hierarchy, there comes power. okok, I have no silly intention to draw anyone into a series of discussion regarding 'power', and no i know nothing about it. Perhaps I just feel, and i like feeling about things more than about anything.

Maybe

that is why, I write badly.

My comments are mainly: wordy, wordy, wordy.

It is both good and bad to leave the academic world (forever or for a while, who knows).

Structuring an essay takes time, but it's better for communication purposes.

and

it's good in preventing side-tracking too. (KEHEM)

ANYWAY where were we.................

right. my beliefs and the power of media giants.

ok bad influences from advertising and those dramatic moments that will never happen to us.

I definitely, stand up for my beliefs, more than ever before, right this moment (as who knows what will i be thinking when i wake up tmr morning?). My intuitive attitude of following my feelings (yes, i must totally express my gratitude towards my parents, and the past-life-self that did wonders in order for me to have such freedom this day to do what I want to do) is telling me something important. I must obey my thoughts (and must not sidetrack when distractions come forth, as distractions are meant to be there, just because it is in their nature to distract you DUUH). I know I could learn more, if I choose to go this way.

It is not yet the time to give. I must admit that in the standards of the eastern social norm, I have achieve a point where I have no choice but to get a job asap so i stop spending time and money on things that is not financially beneficial blablabla. but for me, it is not the right time, just yet.

There is suddenly so much to process that I must actually sit down and structure my thoughts and write down to-do list, something I haven't done for a long time now. It seems now there are so many more things that I want to learn about. I dont feel I am tiny maybe because I am genuinely happy about what I am starting to choose to do. It's maybe what one would call passion?

So maybe this is it. or These are them. urgh. (seriously, I is hating, the royal rules of the Grammar.) hmm, dont think i will stop writing in crappy english though, unless one day the Queen decides that it's against the law or something.

that's about all of my inpiring thoughts of the day. too bad if you are finding myself boring and uninteresting (these two words are no way synonyms ok). i hope i will get myself bloggin more now, it's so helpful.

dlrow.

2009-10-05T16:44:00.003+01:00

i m not angry

but i cant help but feel frustrated, puzzled and sometimes a bit wretched.

annoyed about the fact that

we r living in an upsidedown world now.

people out there work to earn a living, to pay for rents and debts, bills and taxes.

yet the world of consumer goods could not stop inflating.

and yes the cheapest we shall buy.

but the cheapest often leave us with side-effects to pay later, at a higher price.

we cannot believe now.

the world is full of deception.

not so sure

maybe it's all packaging, advertising and business strategies and tactics

the people want to spend less for the better

the suppliers shall give 'em

and who shall be blame then when it's all too late?

***

still remember that world before time

time before the abuse and misuse of science and technology

we all live peacefully

earth is still our dearest mother

our source of living and life

it's no wonder today she's all angry, all wretched

the irony of the 21st century

we buy

for what our ancestors could have paid nothing to

just to help ourselves have better lives

for our health and for the earth's

we pay for what we have done to the earth

we are paying back

it's sad story

i hope it doesn't continue

so please

end this one circle

it's a vicious one

things could have been better, today.

2009-09-17T22:15:00.002+01:00

that long day.

wished it had been better.

those damn egos.....

it is the ultimate damnation of human kind.

so closely integrated, as if defining, that of,

the human heart and spirit.

shan't we shunt it away?

no matter how radical the change might hv to be?

it is for the sake, of earth's peace.

the day could have been better,

if for toleration,

if for giving in,

if for standing back,

if for the decrystalisation of that selfish ego state of mind.

we all,

still need to think again,

of ourselves in the society,

as a member of the family or the greater society.

we shall not think of ourselves as

that self as a centre of earth

nothing should and nothing would

revolve around you and only you

you exist for the sake of others, and for the sake of anyone.

you is not you as a self.

why should anything abt I about you about we involves more than 'is'

and that third person be belittled as that 'is'

all beings, as one or as a group,

has not the (dis)advantage of being different.

all shall be indifferent.

not to condemn relativism

it is the way of life, now

but to hv all these isms to be in balance with each other...

waffled too long down the path

just thought

i need some big big space here

by myself

slowly breaking down the puzzle of egoistic self

even if i is to walk a thousands of less travelled pathways

沒有所謂的道別

2009-06-19T23:44:00.003+01:00

自己適合甚麼磁場，其實自己真的最清楚啊

這場頭痛，不是沒有理由的

不是我故意去解釋

確實是這麼一回事

還是趕緊打包打包收拾收拾回老家去吧

庫存已經有一定的收獲了

也許是該回饋的時候了

而當需要再次回來取經的話

相信那時候的自己也會像現在的自己一樣知曉時機已到

很開心很快樂真的有好好享用這一年

用我自己的方式

去學習去克服

此程確實獲益不淺

既使表演藝術不是我的專才所在

我確切的了解

自己的內在世界裡

曾經是多麼地享受過即使那已經不是那種小時候的那種了

從此就不再舞了嗎？

不可能

這段經驗反而是日后的標准吧我想

還記得

N年前的那首詩嗎？

舞動
極沖動
無法控制的蠢蠢欲動

不動？
生命會抽空化作黑洞。

五音律動
心跳被牽動
肌膚抽動
隨著音符起伏變動
熱血轟動
熱情晃動
細胞震動
神精狂動
欲罷不能的激動
一切等待全新的開動
肢體纏綿情愁波動
所燃亮的火花將開始飄動
帶領我的靈體從此永不息滅的舞動，著。

是的。

我的驅殼依舊會眷戀舞動的

我的靈魂亦然。

沒有所謂的道別

對我而言

這只是像走路一般

來到了轉彎路口所以需要左看右看前望后望

確定一下下交通狀況然後繼續走

美麗人生

才將要展開

而這一年來的歷練

只不過點燃了另一盞明燈

好讓前方的路有了另一種發展上的可能.........

When will the rain go?

2009-04-23T22:31:00.003+01:00

papa's been asking. i've been considering. set aside for awhile. but, perhaps time is up.

the world is sad enough. once i want to know more about this world, because i always felt ever so naive and ignorant abt the big outside world. but when the papers are filled with negative energy all the time, i dont see the point anymore.

perhaps we can never totally take away those things, because of the nature of yin and yang, of equilibrium, of physics. but dont you think that the world is beginning to lose its balance? well, erm, this is not quite right. the world is never stable anyway, pluses and minuses all the time, it always struggles to maintain balance, but i felt it struggles a lot more than long long time ago, much much more than that faraway timeline......

i saw a tv prog on the plane, it was a food+interview show by 肥媽。She interviewed 許冠文 in that episode. She asked him, why did you continue to be this 冷面笑匠 until today? He answered, because the world is already so sad, everyone knows it from the media, so there is no point to tell the public again how sad this world is. Since life is so short, why not create more happiness to this world?

It was such a simple theory, yet so wise.

All wisdom in this world are actually such uncomplicated and unsophisticated, yet we human beings just could not stop confusing ourselves in all possible ways.

***

All those principles that I cherish sometimes fade away, but I want to regain and retain them now. It's been weeks now that i mature one more year, One more year into adulthood. it's no good when life is without principles and goals, at least i felt it's not good for myself as a person. Reasons for the fadeaways are clear - those counter-principles were beginning to eat me from inside. Yet, this is unavoidable, just like how the world struggles to stabilises itself. I just need to sharpen up that balancing skill.

Anyway, things are still (yes for the longest time of my life time in fact) going through contemplation. it's like the turn of my life. i dont know when i will find that pathway that is right. well, nothing is right or wrong really. but the right path for me will have to be the path that has a long prospect, and something that i could dedicate my greatest love and my live, just to make other lives more bright and positive.

Thanks to that tv programme, I think, things are clearer now. Phew, here goes the 1st of grey clouds. i could see clearer now, but not clearly enough yet.

2009-04-20T17:29:00.002+01:00

想太多

何不去流浪？

randoms of the mornings

2009-03-30T23:43:00.001+01:00

Ma de. Wo zhen de lao le ba. It’s not usually the case that i get jetlag, but for the past two times, i’ve been unable to sleep properly at night and feeling tired at certain hours during the day. It’s terrible, i don’t want that aging feeling. This made me feel that i need to immediately take charge of my body (i.e. what i eat and do etc). Please no jet lag next time round!

***

yesterday morning @ 7/8am-ish….

I woke up to the world, about 22 years ago. Not quite yet.

It was in this country, where birds would start singing their morning songs of ritual and the sky would gradually put on its multicoloured silk clothing, as if the people of the earth are not colourful enough.

Every time I walked through that gate 8, I still could not understand why I never once consciously anticipated that rush of humid air in and around this midst of space. It’s wet, frankly speaking, for a person that has got used to that cold and bitter dry air of that polluted city, where tubes make you dizzy and winds that would slap you from the back of your head and well right on your face. They give you headaches, cold feet and eczema hands. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Yet there is a sense of detached connection about London and me. There are times where you would just live there and, live there. On other occasions, you would hunt down for that timeoutlondon restaurant or linger between those corridors of touristy hang-out spots, still looking out for maps that would possibly tell you how to get to Kensington from Covent Garden, something like that. Whatever. Anyway, there is no doubt that London has become a part of who I am now, a part of my extra body fats too. Those late night hobnobs, custard creams and digestives is beginning to pay their price. That’s ok, it’s a process that everyone needs to go through, perhaps very differently, in life. A process that would inform you, something about yourself, something about your life. I guess that was how boring shit my life was (and perhaps would still be) – there was practically nothing that I could find pleasure out of, except for eating empty calories while youtubing those non-uk entertainment. Ok i don’t feel I would like to continue this conversation of binging further. Just leave it at a side shall we?

It’s now 8am and the sun is feeling quite happy now. It is just quite right. The ground is still quite cool, and the birds are still fishing for their early worms, whispering their joy into the air. The air, yes it is much fresher, much more like how air is meant to be. It’s supposed to be moistly delicate, with hints of aromatic spiciness and chlorophyllous texture. You would always smell warmth, coming from the climate of both equator and culture. There is nothing instinctively cold about this place, not even the taste of the tropical rains……..

(unfinished but not feeling like continuing at this point)

焉知......

2009-03-22T23:05:00.002Z

塞翁 is off to a change!

it just needed that trigger ei? WAHAHAHA.

2009-03-20T23:35:00.002Z

老實說妳對待事情到底有沒有認真過？

***

let's speak. frankly my friend.

it suddenly struck me that, i nv like to say anything positive abt myself. m i really being humble or is this purely a confidence issue. i do admit i hv a confidence issue. well, i do feel proud abt myself once in a while. but when there's so many things that i dislike abt myself, how can i progress?

spending this one year (cross fingers let this not be in vain or my dad will be like....) here at Laban is something almost triggered by spontaneity, of course with some consideration. but the intention was definitely an emotional one to begin with. when there is the time to rest a bit from a more 'oh-so-busy-dancing-days', i just automatically switch into the oh-so-lost mode. it's something positive. it proves i still care a bit about who i am in this world.

things are changing for me. been harder to be myself. that discipline self that i recognise myself as, during those keifam days, those uni days. i was much better (though not greatly disciplined). now i m just this flat person. i dont hv the vocabulary to describe it, but i feel deflated in a way. not that i m exhausted my resources, but i hv lost the ability to retain.

it's a pity.

some ideas struck me today though.

1st it was those words by akram kham. and thoughts from watching xing guang (as like every other friday).

i was really lucky to be able to meet Mr. Akram Khan in person and to have a workshop with him. His approach to dance is something I appreciate. His ideas are meaningful to me. Anyway not going on with this at the mo. He said, there are people who dance because they like to do it. but there are just people that HAVE TO dance. I could feel how his words were so powerful, alike his dancing. yes. some people just have to dance. but i already know, i am not one of them. it's almost a statement.

watching xing guang (and tv drama) was a ritual, so was hving dinner in front of comp (a habit that i picked up in term 2, sad to say). i suddenly realised (well, it was perhaps at the back of my head somewhere, but today was like revelation in a more conscious way) HOW HARD people work towards their dreams. and here i am. complaining about having obstacles and how difficult things are. well, if there is no such things as barriers and obstacles, then how would you define success? i think i need to consciously make myself aware that, no matter what i choose to do, there will be something that i just need to TAKE TIME and OVERCOME it with patience! the same applies to that tv show i've been watching. it takes DETERMINATION to be stubborn (in a good way i suppose) about your philosophy, your way of thought, it takes courage and patience. and all that matters. i just need to take time.

i have half exhausted my mental power in thinking of WHAT i want, so it's perhaps more direct and better way to find out WHO you are 1st, through my organic/authentic movements. i believe i can see myself with my movements, and i have proven it to be true.

CLARITY - my internal intentions are often not expressed to the degree that i wanted it to be. i.e. my movements are not clear, in terms of direction.

maybe that tells something abt my oh-so-lost mood these years/months.

through the transportation of ideas, ie. the process of communication, the process from internal cognition to external speech, smth is often lost in between.

consistency. that's what i will need. and commitment.

i know sometimes i dont physically commit to my movements 100%, at least not all the time.

this IS a problem, not only in dancing, but IN REAL LIFE.

being committed to something means allow it to be CONSISTENT OVER TIME. determination, patience, integrity.

it feels great to write all these down. and go back to it again.

***

用心

用真心。

WAKEUPU!!!!!!

2009-03-20T23:16:00.003Z

OMG SUCH CHILDISH-NESS. what was that? i could have killed myself.

this person that only dreams abt f.o.o.d.

prob she deserves it. u noe, the dream abt her being stabbed through the head. reminds me of Phineas Gage.

man i really dont know y i hv such dreams. probably laughed too much. overlaughed. wtv.

###

phhrrrreeerrraaaaaoooooyyyyyyyyiiittttttttt. mmmmmm.

gosh. pure display of yet more childishness.

just feeling really useless at this point.

and another one.

mum: OHHH u noe u shud take Masters in Psychology.

me: yeaaa.. there's loads of courses out there... loads of master of xxxxx psychology and other related stuff..

mum: u shud print them out and we discuss when u r back k?

me: errr. PRINT THEM? (y freaking waste paper??) but there's loads~~ i dont know where to look from . there's like hundreds ok....

mum: aiya. narrow them down loo. maybe u only like 10 out of 100.

me: yeaaa. but shud i just look at london? .......... (something along these lines)........

etc la.

this conversation totally doesnt have to exist. one could clearly tell that my personality or my attitude MY ATTITUDE is killing me. KILLING MEEEEEE. argh. really angry with myself lately.

arghhhh this means bedtime is near sleep now or regret later end of sentence goodbye goodnight

f={ % time/ % myself off this comfy zone, %= spring}

2009-03-17T17:40:00.010Z

spring is here to stay. it says "First Day of Spring" on the 20th march on my calendar.

today is St. Patrick's Day, practically, it has no meaning for me, anyway. been bumping around Greenwich Park for the whole afternoon practically. sat for like 3 hours, eating lunch, enjoying the sun etc. but it was a bit too much, i really wanted to leave like after 2 hrs, but frens were there etc. the wind and cold was too much for me. metabolism shot to a high, ended up hving medium french fries from mcd cos i was hungry already. despite hving eaten roast vege panini and mini danish and coffee for lunch. wat the hell. and didnt get to go to cinema in the end becos frens hv headaches. rightooowww. fine. went to stock up on noodles from a chinese shop. took bus back to greenwich centre and bought tall soy hot choc to accompany that cold walk back home. blah.

sitting here waiting for time to pass so i can shower and hv xin la mian u noe the korean noodle for dinner. and then feed myself with my everyday lifeline, po li shi da ren. i think i'm at epi 11 now or smth. oh god. one can obviously tell i'm kinda annoyed. welll

actually it wasnt the result of the day, it's more like, i received this nice letter from my fren saying how i finally made up my mind to become a nutritionist, but obviously that is not true. i hv this stupid interview for BSc NUTRITION this thursday but i hv no plans on going. obviously i dont see the point in spending another FREAKING 3*365 days in a freaking uni with some freaking 18++++. come on, i mean, get a life, seriously. i shud be more PRACTICAL and start finding some kind of dream job and not be some kind of academic.

now dat nutrition is not in my to-study-in-a-university-list, i hv much more little tiny things i would like to explore for a bit (and maybe end up not going for it as a career in like 3 minutes after). dat would include

- photography

- restaurant management-ish? (not sure abt this)

- coffee making? (hmm...)

- eco stuff. u noe.

- organic stuff. yeah. those.

- (some inspiration from a friend) art management

- man i shud try translation too. been doing this for a frend quite a lot recently.

- wat else wat else wat else

oh the nutrition stuff yea, tot i could combine dat into my DREAM cafe - eco, organic, minimalistic. u get the idea. then yea nutritious menu. etc. but god. how many ppl r doing dat right now. i must be the best of the best if i really want to make it REAL.

man i dont know. i m just this wanderer in this big big world where i cant even grasp a single corner of a freaking t-shirt. it's really stupid to think, oh, i m so gonna make a change to this world. wat crap.

anyway. enuf of blahing. just dat, there's no one NO ONE to hv a freaking constructive conversation with. i m SO GLAD my mum is gonna come here so soon. at least i can bug her with my BIG QUESTION, with MY FUTURE for the next 2 weeks or so. poor her. cant even get a mental rest. not like she is so busy now or anything. she is just so lucky. but i dont wish to be in her situation yet.

blog is there for a reason.

when there's no human that you can talk with, constructively, you just need someone to be there. or something.

happy springtime :D

(oh geez it's gonna be like -1 degree min this friday wth)

2009-02-28T01:11:00.002Z

三月春初

我要戒甜食！！！

binge eating disorder?

2009-02-28T00:13:00.002Z

it's a problem.

***

i must have a problem somewhere, some psychological problem? i dont know.

i cant help but to binge at night. it's abnormal to the extend that i start eating things that i dont normally eat. like eating chocolate like crazy. it must be some kind of deep psychological issue? or am i just too anxious?

i should find another way to overcome this. somehow.

anyway, headache attack. sleep soon.

2009-02-25T20:57:00.004Z

i dunno how i came across this website, webMD. i think it was through googling "good chocolate". haha. anyway...

the thing is, yes ok i m a bit obsess with healthy eating and all. but i dont know with all the videos bombarding my audio and visual perception, i find these all a bit cliche now. eg, eating this and this is good to increase our daily needs of BLA and it can prevent cancer. Research shows consumig Y amount of Z per day lowers the risk of XXXX cancer.

that's when i start to think, how sad is it. how sad is human life. we eat this and that because it will help lower to risk of becoming sick. welcome to the world of modernisation and urbanisation.

i like the idea of health, but also respecting the beauty to eat, to enjoy what you eat. Eating for the sake of satisfying the body's natural desire to consume macro and micro nutrients; eating for the sake of enjoying the taste of culinary delights, no matter the way it is being prepared. Yet, the modern world (alongside the everchanging/evergrowing desire of human nature), we have either indulged too much or binged too much, that we have forgotten that, our bodies know exactly what it needs.

Eating is a cultural experience, an art, a necessity. I dont think i want to always eat this because it gives me my 5-a-day or smth like that. all in all, I think i just hate that it has became so commericalised, this idea of nutrition and health.

anyway, check it out. this website. *the coffee video feels a bit exaggerated, for me anyway*

http://www.webmd.com/video/cooking-healthy-oils

mavin khoo

2009-02-19T23:59:00.005Z

mavin khoo.

he's like my new addiction. not that i know a lot about him yet, but the fact that he is malaysian and great dancer simply caught my eyes.

i like when things get so passionate - on the inside.

like, not fake. like, there's some kind of raw truth in it.

i like it when it gets so personal, yet applicable to us all, in a way or the other.

it's the display of the underlying causality of humanity.

haha, perhaps i m assuming too much, or i know too little about the world.

what really attracts me, i think, is him, as a person, his superficial appearance as a dancer/choreographer on stage.

he is born, to be a dancer. he is a dancer, as much as he is the dance itself.

it tickles that sensation in me. perhaps, deep down, i m certainly in need of something, that will compensate for my passivity during the daylight.

i just like it, when things gets so, unconventional.

u know, just not liking what others like. not the conventional/popular stuff at least.

bye for now.

2009-02-18T23:10:00.002Z

hi.

i, read a blog. a friend's (?) blog. it gives me a thrill when people has great aspiration, and it motivates me too. maybe that's why i m writing now.

faith or fate, it doesnt matter. i believe that we do walk a certain pathway, and we need to pass through certain things in life. but what we can control, is the way in which we reach towards it, the route on which we travelled to it.

i guess it is fated, i just have to walk this way.

to try to be, some kind of pioneer, big or small. perhaps i never (ever) in my life, like to do what others did. i try (or subconsciously control myself) to see things differently from others, to have (perhaps already) a different life from others, though we might have that same label, no matter as a student or whatever (just realised i have only been a student before, and till now).

i m in this area, this big area. but it's so big that i do not know where to start from, or how to start. tuning in that positive-thinking mindset, i should be happy to find myself in AN area ? (or not).

step by step, shall i say. there's many things to think about, to ACTIVELY think about.

*sometimes i just cant help worrying my passivity could lead me to no where at all....*

as i continue this journey forward, i need to set my mind right. it's not about where this leads you too, it's perhaps the encountering, as random as it might be, that is the essence of those great aspiration in life. my quote/inspiration of the day.

when london snowed (as in real snow)

2009-02-02T00:14:00.005Z

for the first time (since ages ago) i will blog with pictures

just cos the world is chaotic, ecologically wise

to see is to believe.

is this london?

i do not know, anymore

but we had fun

at least for now

but still, i love snow. :D

un.pleasant.

2009-01-26T15:48:00.002Z

without a sense of festive

as i sat down here

loneliness creep within me

i cant breathe

i want to withdraw from this alternative

sometimes

it just feels good to be cliche

this feeling of escape

is searching for this route

to go back or to go forward

i want to stop stopping

it's unpleasant, unrewarding, unsatisfying

oh can i quit now to end this negative compassion

it's time to be realistic and get my ass back to cruelty of credit crunch political conflicts social inequality

perhaps then i would be better

or perhaps i think too much

for better or for worse

i just need a route to wholeness

有感，而發

2009-01-13T22:13:00.010Z

夢想與現實之間那塊相吸而相斥的茂盾不安

比想像中更繁瑣更凌亂

那是需要掙扎以供成長的微妙關係

那是需要勇氣與決心去一步一步經營的耐力考驗

可不要急著走

因為那些沿途有的沒的阿貓阿狗

都是到達終點站的重要提示

迂迥也好筆直也好

誰說這條路一定要走完才算數

凡走過必留下痕跡

這一切都不會白費

體會逐夢那怕是如此短暫

至少今生無悔

天時地利人和方能讓事成

回首望去再眺望現在

那些憧憬那些渴望早已升華

它原來只是一直在尋覓臺階

總算盼到了所以迷霧漸散了

最后的最后

也會曲終人散的

道路分歧從來沒有那麼美麗過

原來“看清楚”，這件事情

是多麼舒服與坦然的啊

新的一年

2009-01-04T23:44:00.002Z

新的一年承諾對自己好一點看事情開闊一些

完成未完成然后朝下個目標前進

長大的路沒有后退可言只有不斷在困境中求存求變求生

這條路還是那麼的漫長呀

新年新的一年只求更好只求活在當下

天堂與缺憾的關係

2008-12-17T15:29:00.004Z

雖此刻的我，已是多麼的身心乏累，但我內心有一種堅持。只因突然又覺得，自己像極阿芳。

那種充滿感覺，又其實甚麼也沒有的女人.......

對于小說，不想多談。至少不是在這個意志不清醒的時候。

只知道，朱少麟在我心里，深深得寵了。

2008-12-06T23:15:00.002Z

looping 瘋子 by 許哲佩。

很開心陷入melancholy的情緒。演戲歌唱跳舞是感情的宣泄。那種解放是由內而外的。而只有在我絕對單獨的時候才有辦法完全解開束縛。

***

獨處對我來說具有高尚的地位。有時候我會去思索，為甚麼那麼愛這種感覺？總覺得身邊的一些人不是這樣。他們喜歡一起做很多事情，吃飯又熱愛聊天，邊聊邊吃。本人比較不喜歡這樣。

***

和別人相處，我喜歡那種自在。少掉不必的刻意，很多periphery的東西就會變得次要。

***

芭蕾tutorial，老師說我太安全了。

想了好些日子，我的人其實也不過如此。打從一開始，就已這樣。

選科系，言行舉止，待人處事..... 那個人生的突破，還在某一個未來天吧。

自己的舞態心知肚明。缺少了勁，完整度，情感。可是我跳的時候，總感覺已經做足了似的。可觀眾看到的不是這樣的。

全新的choreography sketch，ideas還在腦中翻滾著。我想展現很多的內在情緒....

***

心情复雜了。歸故里是游子應得的歸宿，但對我來說總是一種自由的陷阱，仿佛自投羅網。抹殺選擇的可能性，可選擇的可能性卻深深的困擾著我。因此歸家的日子越近，我愈复雜了。

想想也許太多了吧那個自由多過頭了吧

***

刷牙我想哭洗脸我想哭

走路我想哭静止我想哭

出太阳我想哭起风我想哭

听歌我想哭看喜剧我想哭

我控制不住自己负担太重的情绪

我拒绝面对结局沉重的问题我不想听

伱给的很多规矩说了很久的道理

却瞒不了我的心

再压抑再压抑我快不行..

(天摇地动昏天暗地)

有眼泪没眼泪

伱觉得我疯了

我瞬间耳鸣听不见伱们说的

我疯言我疯语眼泪让我瞎了

模糊我眼前世界

原来快榮要用悲伤换的

可知不知道

伱別想否认

我要的自由能不能够永生

可是我累了

我只好哭了

我像疯子般的不停的哭

我没有出路

伱也当我是个疯子我是个疯子

sick and all that's nasty

2008-11-28T13:01:00.002Z

what a way to end my end of term classes.

***

been lying there on that bed. a bed on which one could been the springy-ness of the spring and how it contacts with your flesh and bones. and i have been with it for a good 24 hrs and somemore on the following day, no longer bothered to count.

it wasnt at all pleasant being sick (duh). but the fact that i am not in a pleasant environment made me sicker - perhaps mentally. actually, i didnt even mind that shitty wet weather (besides the wind which i just cannot tolerate at all). wat i do mind is the condition of my flat my room and the shared kitchen. i guess i really had enough. i really cant wait to move out.

i guess there is no one reason as to why i want to move out asap. just dat when the idea struck me, all my thoughts will be magnetised and they will all be labelled as 'supporting homemoving movement'. that's how my brain works. and i guess this has caused be trouble too.

i began to realise a lot of issues abt myself, as i try to fall asleep in my bed with my influenza ( i assume this one is one) and thinking about my future my career etc. i realised that when i want something, i can find like a thousand of excuses to guide me into rationalising that thought or that choice, and i feel it's the same for choosing dance. not dat i do not enjoy dancing at this very moment (ok, not now because i am still sick and weak), i really do. it's very challenging, physically and mentally, i have to make a lot of immediate and spontaneous reactions to a lot of stimuli that is happening around me, hence dancers are often said that they develop better proprioreceptors.

i concluded one day while i was showering, that my sickness is a sign of my proprioreceptors are indeed becoming more and more sensitive.... (wondering if this statement makes any sense at all)

***

while i m sick in bed, my brain still can stop moving. i have been thinking of what's next? and all these questions.

do i continue to venture in the dance circle? or do i move away (again) into something else. i must have a stand at some point of my life right?!!!!

i've been thinking of nutrition for a while (perhaps even more as i m sick). i looked up on possibilities of jobs. but all or mostly requires some sort of qualification to do with nutrition (DUH, otherwise i shud be worried).

soo, if i really do want A JOB after i finish this course.... A) do smth related to psychology; B) do smth that a psy degree will allow me to get pass the requirement; C) do smth related to dance; D)do smth related to dance and psychology.

i dun feel like studying more mainly because i feel i have burdened my parents too much with my expenditure with tuition fees and daily spendings. I shud need to start earning my own money and learning how to earn money, and how to operate in the 'social university'. "It's tougher," that's what everyone says.

***

perhaps it's still going to be a loooong journey towards finding that path. or perhaps that path is not as straightforward i have always assumed it to be. the funny thing is, i never like to do straighforwards things anyway. i guess my thoughts arent straightforwards to begin with.

it started from a young age.... my primary teacher told me that i think too much when answering the exam sometimes. that's y i get things wrong. the thing with 鑽牛角尖 has stuck with me. FOR LIFE NOW. but i will still continue to think. even it can get me nowhere most of the time. whaha.

i just got distracted into looking at chinese herbalist homeopathy etc.

anyway. a long way to go. but i will enjoy my present. and better get this fluflu away asap!

menu tonight: PROTEIN, sweetpotato rice and vege. :)

frustrations kicking in...

2008-11-19T23:54:00.003Z

you know what. maybe... i dont really love dancing that much. maybe i just want to get away from somethings. i dont know anymore.

i hate to talk about this. but i really do not want to go back. i think i want to stay here more than being in malaysia. being a foreigner feels safer, because i have the advantage of being strange. people will understand, becos i am a foreigner. i dont know what i am doing becos i am a foreigner. maybe that's why, it's difficult for me to KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. i have to confess, that most of the time, i really do not know what i am doing. I am doing it, becos i was told to, or becos everyone else is doing it, or becos i just somehow find myself being led to doing it, by emotions/impulse or watever.

so pls dun force me. i might not be the best daughter in the world. but sorry. not now. i tot i could get away from familiar grounds. but in fact, the familiarity that existed ytd had transformed into a foreign object for me. i do not know what is left there anymore. there's only memories. i swear. so what is the point? i want to establish a new self. i dont hv a self. honestly. i am ALWAYS LOST.

i just keep going and ppl say you are always rushing. in a hurry. yes, to move on. but then, after that, so wat?

i dunno.

i just did it. cos it was what that is meant to happen, at that moment. as for the future, i do not know. but i shud think abt it. and i hv been doing it, for a few days now.

but in vain. it remains a big question mark.

***

some neuroscientific stuff abt proprioreceptors caught my attention. mind-body connection etc. these has often been my passion.

so the question is, how do i pursue this further.

i need a career's advisor. i need a job 1st.

***

probably, in life, to reach a goal, if u hv one, is not the easiest thing to do. or, put it this way, in order to achieve the goal, u need to pass through many things, things that you like, or dont like. but in order to achieve that final state of being that is ideal for you, you might hv to deal with stuff that you do not like doing. and u hv to face it.

perhaps, that is what i am experiencing right now. i dont like, being told wat to do, or wat i should do. i dun like that burden. but i noe, i shud pay attention more to what is going on (out there or somewhere) and be less self-centred. i m self-centred. it's bad. but that's how i feel good also. but then, i wont achieve anything that is beneficial to the world.

oh rmb how i said i like to "save the world and make the world a better place by being 'eco'?" i totally forgot abt that.

u see, there r so many tiny things that interest me, but i do not know how to organise them, into some sort of career path.

can i just do loads of part time jobs??

like involve in eco groups; like joining a dance company or choreograph time to time; like study part time abt meridien and chinese medicine; practise yoga and pilates; involve in researching abt mind-body connection through some form that i do not yet know... and so on.

it's all part of, what i feel like doing. in the future.

but it seems like, there is also another possibility - sitting in the office and go over papers and go to meetings after meetings.

the minute i imagine it, i feel like crying.

i noe i m selfish. but i m really sorry. i cant do it.

haih. i shud hv just ignored everything and become an organic farmer for the rest of my life. at the age of 21, i am already thinking of 隱居。how sad/nice is dat?

we'll see. --> that's waht i always say. but in the end, who sees? you! u hv to decide, no one else can!!

till then, i will see wat happens tmr. see, i did it again. :/

just a few minutes to throw my thoughts out there

2008-11-04T23:45:00.002Z

ok. i have totally no me time. no time to reflect on myself, no time to personalised information that i hv been given, hence in fear that they will disappear.

even if my room looks totally like a war zone, i am just gonna jot down my thoughts for the day or the days that has passed since mid term.

i learn the need to... keep on. to keep moving. to not stop and keep going, as if you know what is coming, and you should. the key is think ahead.

i learnt the need to.. take risk. to move beyond the safe zone that i always always keep myself too. and often way too much. it's not exactly healthy, in terms of progression in technique or personal development in getting to the next level. it also means, to fall and to not be afraid of falling. but falling because u took ur limits to the extreme. to take risk and to know your limits, or to challenge your limits, is essentially to protect yourself. i would want to think that in a context outside dance. and this is really useful.

***

my self-reflection time ends here. while i finish drying my hair and fall asleep in my own war with my comfort/war zone.

p.s. perhaps dats y i need to live in a war zone. whaha.

LABAN

2008-10-26T21:59:00.003Z

it's been a whole month and a half since i came to this wonderful extraordinary place. The Laban Centre. Every single day is just so fresh so new so filled with new ideas! so open so accepting so challenging and a day almost never comes to an end. becos whenever the clock strucks 12 i know i still have so much which i have not the time to absorb digest and integrate.

I was at the International Laban Conference for 2 days. I missed out on the 1st day but still 2 days of compact workshops, performance, lecture demonstrations blabla, it was already overwhelming. i am totally overloaded with information, from Laban's principles to its development and usage in today's world, dealing with multimedia, psychotherapies... too much way too much. i only get to know the breadth of things and at the end of the day i just find myself in this blackout state of mind. becos i hv no idea where to start reading/thinking!

the reason i m back to blogging, is that i really need to put all these into concrete words, at least for myself, to comprehend and to let all these information settle in my brain, and give a concluding remark. so that i know, what i shud do next. or what is best to do next.

i think that the common themes that the speakers keep coming back to, is the idea of Laban's notion of dance as experimentation, incorporating the use of space and dynamics. keeping in mind that nth is static, and the goal is nv the product but the process.

i got to know this wonderful lady, Dr. Ana Sanchez-Colberg, who is totally a walking dictionary. She embraces philosophies, the old and the new, seeks to understand the self in relation to the changing world, understands and explores space and environment, and certainly without diminishing the essence of dance movements. Her theatre background was also of interest to me, and has certainly made her think of dance differently from those coming from a pure dance background. My interest in her work was also due to my increase interest in dance theatre. I have to get my hands at her books, papers and works. and get ideas from her work for my 1st choreography homework - a movement embodiment of our self portrait.

The fact that she touches upon various psychological concepts, eg. memory, discourse, syntax, etc. and also phenomenology etc has also inspired me further. and all those speakers that talked about dance therapy in relation to helping ppl with eating disorders, autism, personality disorder, depression and so on was just AMAZING. of course it wasn't the 1st time that i knew these sort of things existed, but the fact that legendary and important ppl are standing just inches away from me, giving such extraordinary speeches is just sooo unbelievable.

i am a small small stone in the universe.
i hv yet to use my miniature magnet force to take in more energy of life to move on to become a greater representation of a stone in the universe
a stone that has a life and a meaning to the universe

Commitment. is another word. that i as a dancer and as a learner need to embrace and implant into myself, physically within my muscular system and perhaps further into a cellular level, as well as mentally within and beyond my soul.

SOUL. a good word/ concept for self portrait.
now i hv gathered SOUL and MEMORY. two concepts to work on. and more to refine.

i am excited.
still many months to come, but just before mid term break begins, i m already so drawn into being labanised. i do hope this process will continue into a beautiful pathway that i will keep walking jogging running dancing on, a never ending journey to search for the inner and outer balance.

BALANCE, YIN AND YANG. another good concept, to symbolise a mobile yet harmonious way of living on and on and on.....

格林威治的生活型態

2008-09-21T23:02:00.003+01:00

靜靜的我漸融入了一種格林威治的生活型態
不其實此時還是屬于倫敦的城市生活

所謂的格林威治生活型態
是脫離倫敦市中心的過日子
是浸浴在姿態與節奏中的快活
是寄托五花八門的市場的時空
是青綠亦是青藍
可簡檏亦可奢華
又是忙碌又是悠游自在

格林威治
一個重要地標
一個代表
從前現在和未來 .............

***

感恩幸福與不幸福
感恩擁有與沒有
感恩悲歡離合
感恩一切造就我的每一個細節
也感恩讓我有這種福氣去參與我的現在與未來
且讓這顆感恩的心
去接納一切的人事物
去貢獻去學習去發掘

祈許有那麼一天
有這樣一種能力去感化與擴張人性的美和丑

tmr will be a better day

2008-09-10T22:27:00.002+01:00

i guess i am lucky
was reading a note on a fren's facebook
i hope she overcomes the pain
the pain of losing
and then she will grow even stronger than before

i do not know here very well
but she is a nice person
she will be able to pull over

***

and when i look back at myself....

tomorrow is registration
my new term
my new life
in good terms with flatmates
hopefully will become better

lots to organise
my room
my life
my tempo

i m not a do-er
i m a think-er

so i shall stop making blank promise to myself.
向美好的明天出發吧

腦惱振蕩

2008-08-13T12:50:00.003+01:00

8月13日, 公元2008年。終于忍不住一個人的狂歡，上來這里搞搞新意思。

12點整。與３個中華友人高歌着過去現在未來，盡情挖掘和發掘着天的極南邊與地的極北面，不知不覺經已三更。恢復自己一個人時，竟才覺得孤單來自離散，而終日活在框框之中、那個馬來西亞的我，其實有多麼矛盾。

很愛這里的親近，很愛有根的感覺，但最近更是因為想要愛它多一點，卻愈覺得自己一點都不了解它。

清晨的我，７點已雙眸撐開。那肚子反抗着我不讓它正時用餐，然后隔天塞了一堆肉折磨它的美好假期。唉，算我敗給了你！

簡便早點，送走朋友們后，隨后立即陷入我熱愛的體操團體賽中去。我是真的有被她們的用心感動到！也因為觀賞京奧，我更加地察覺自己的情感可以如此貼近她們。我近乎有一種，可以明白她們的壓力與堅持背后的意義。那種為一個目標不斷緞練的苦樂，心中殘留着絲絲的小响往。

也許是因為想要為一個小目標而活，所以重新選擇了這條路。

而最近的我，也想着未來的種種，我的小目標們，是否都可以慢慢的積累，拼湊成我的未來流浪地圖呢？

思緒不太經過整理的，擺在多少人面前，也只不過想確任自己此刻的所想所思的深刻。

創業抑或守業，親愛的大家，會選擇甚麼？

我永遠愛你

2008-08-02T14:46:00.003+01:00

今天坐在家中的我竟然一直在感動
是媒體的力量以及自己的身份與背景的原因吧

***

過去的21年來，我都深深地愛你
多年前依旧乳臭未干的我在非得離開你不可的情況之下促使心中對其他的一切產生偏心與厭惡之情
但這些情緒隨時間逝去不再重要
若干年後我選擇離你更遠去追尋那些你所不能給予我的自由與憧憬
如今衣錦還鄉我以為自己可以更加倍地去了解你了可是你是多麼地令我失望失措失魂
可是有時候我還是忍不住觀賞著你的可愛熱情純樸
真的很想一輩子勇敢地抱著你
但是你一而再再而三地吞食了我的勇氣刺破我的膽囊摧毀我的愛意
到底我們之間還有沒有明天可言

親愛的你
你可知道我們的未來其實有著無限可能的
但我已按捺不住我的害怕我的驚慌
你知道嗎你越來越遠了
每當我股起勇氣輕輕碰觸你的美你總是臉帶微笑歡迎著
但你的美留不住尋覓安全感的我
你的放盪與猖狂令我對于心中對你的愛意變成一種壓抑
那種是捨棄還是留下的矛盾不安無情還是濫情的你知道的又有多少？

傷心欲絕如我
深陷無明黑洞如你
我可以讓你覺醒嗎
問心我無能為力
可我的心永遠愛你
你好好專心對抗病魔吧
若干年後我渴望甚至衷心期盼著
我與你海枯石爛的親密接觸

我的消遣不僅是玩玩而已的

2008-07-30T17:15:00.004+01:00

音樂電影劇集攝影料理
一些事情只能是娛樂消遣嗎？

如何將這些開心的事與世界其他的人分享呢
若這些都能成為我未來事業的一部份
獨樂樂不如眾樂樂
何樂而不為？

給自己一年
去感受去體會去發現去挖掘
內在深沉處最原始的使命

我是凡人
是一個想造就更多快樂於世的凡人

it's time

2008-07-19T15:26:00.004+01:00

i often feel i m so immature and so ignorant, hence i always want to know more learn more at the shortest time possible.

but sometimes, it's up to time. we mature without noticing.

perhaps, i just need to take things slowly. seriously but calmly, observant and not taking for granted, sensitive but not overly so.

***

here i am, thinking about my future in a yr's time.

it's time to act. not just think. i noe i want to make a difference, but too often do i feel timid to do the things that i want to do, i feel as if i do not have the strength and the ability to make an influence.

but i need to have faith.

just like anyone else, u start from a nobody.

i guess i m no exception.

***

goodbye to the days where i feel hopeless and useless, now i just to do let myself believe the possibilities of making a small small tiny little difference. and perhaps, these will eventually add up. and who noes, a significant difference (kehem) will eventually emerge.....

i am going to sleep now,
sleeping through the static

an aspiring ending note.

2008-06-13T00:54:00.002+01:00

i cant believe this but yes i am blogging for the 3rd time within 24 hrs.

-------

been talking a lot today.
A LOT.
but it's good.
this is exactly what i need most.
communication with an external physical body. a bi-directional mechanism in which i can understand myself more, from observing myself speaking and listening to others.

when differences meet, you will find yourself more worthwhile, in the sense that, everyone is unique, and could somehow contribute to the world, to the happiness of others, the well-being of the community.

i have been internalising my communication for a long time. sometimes i just really need some real communication. but so often do i habituate myself with solitude, a sign of the depletion of the essence of human kind.

AH. perhaps this is my newly-founded future prospects - interaction and communication.

Laban? Labanotation? Dance Movement Analysis? Non-verbal communication?

waha. what a dramatic ending note to a this day where i officially disconnects myself from anticipation of an unknown future. love it.

i wish there was a degree in love now. where love extends beyond the individual, the group, the community, the society, the country, the race, the world. (oh no system theories).

ok. let me jot down a few aspiring sidenotes before i fall back into a melancholic mood.

i thought of doing something ECO. something green. something that contributes to the maintenance and improvement of life, from the most general point of view.

i thought it continuing with psychology, but in a more diverted way, or a less direct way, lets put it this way. a form of healing, through understanding of the self, but not only the self.
but self, in relation to, others - people and the environment. through the medium of language and movement. through the variation in culture and social norms.
(at this point i am extremely glad i did psychology as a degree, eventhough i did not excel as a great student, but personally, i deeply appreciated the maturity that i have gained throughout the years).

i thought of doing chinese medicine. link with nutrition. with naturopathy. with body and mind as a whole.

-----

in response to post no.1, dated 12/6/08.

i have successful untangled myself from a maze of self-torturing and self-humiliating. i learn or relearn to accept the fact that PROCESS is always more important than the RESULT.
i am glad for what i have chosen to do with my degree, eventhough the result have been such due to my divergence from conventional psychology.

at this point, i TRULY have thought it through.
i just could not believe that i am able to end this day with a gleeful smile.

lets hope my dreams are sweet tonite. and will these spirit in me continue to flourish throughout my life. keep me going for as long as i can live.

all in all, no matter what i do, i aspire to bring happiness to people around me. i love to see that people feel happy becos i am around, and not sad and gloomy, or pressurised as a result of my presence. i aspire to contribute to this world, to bring positive spirit and life, to this world around me.

why not, look forward?

2008-06-12T19:51:00.002+01:00

back after an extended shower.

thought it through.

it shud end here now.

the only way is to look forward and not behind.
i need to accept myself. for who i am. even though this means accepting a self i dont like. in order to change it, i need to live with it first. and then work out how to change.

university is not for me. 3 years. i proved my point.
working hard is not the best thing.
my best is when i dont work so hard.
i guess i was stupid to work so hard, and gain nothing but a pathetic borderline.
i guess 3 years was enough, to make me see it through. i need to really really really KNOW and LOVE and have a passion and a TALENT (even if this means a little little tiny bit of advantage) in a subject in order to excel.

3 years down the road.
it's time to change.

i make a promise to myself.
i will not let the next year go into the bin.

a desensitised embodiment of failure.

2008-06-12T18:41:00.002+01:00

the whole day i have been thinking
thinking
thinking

all i know to do is think.
but what IS the point? thinking doesn't make you smart, doesn't solve problem, doesn't make you successful.
this is MY problem.

i only know how to think.

who can i blame?
no one.

what else do i know how to do? i am good at desensitizing myself.
seldom do i reveal
seldom do i express
i am a desensitized embodiment.

i hate myself.
for being so normal.
for being so average.
for being so general.

for the whole day today.
i cant stop hating myself when being left alone.
for the 1st time, i feel lonely.
lonely becos i cant come to terms with myself.
i really do not know what to do.
so lost, so sad, so depressed.

i have lost myself.

i know when i wake up tmr
everything will be alright
but i know that
this does not mean that the problem has ended, it has merely found a place behind my brain cells
a place where i do not yet need to access
until i meet another failure.

i failed myself
for being so inefficient

i failed myself
for being of no use and no good

i failed myself
for not being able to do anything about myself

i failed myself
for not knowing myself enough

i do not even know who i am.
i do not know my true feelings, my true ability, my true self

who am i?

i do not know.

i will keep thinking. until i fall asleep. if, i ever will.

反思：反覆思考，反轉思路。

2008-06-11T00:17:00.005+01:00

儉討吧你！
說話可不可以過濾干淨一點啊

天真
太天真

傷人
天真只有傷人
儉討吧你

邈視自己
如此的不懂情理
爛透了

此刻好想賜一巴掌
給愚蠢不成熟的自己
都已經年過二十一
行為卻如十八一般

可
這一巴掌
打得值得嗎？
打了
就會讓我瞬間成長？
並不會的
問題的根更深更遠

唉
這個時候不是談論這些的時候….

﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣

我的內心
疑惑著
煩惱著
厭惡著
我自己

不滿
就是改變的開始吧
不是不愛自己只是
愛不下如此不成熟不醒目不精不足以讓我全心全意去愛的一個自己

也許我應該把愛轉移了吧

博愛

好想把愛傳遞給更多更遠的大家
但在這一切之前
我需要一些時間消化掉這些負面的情緒
然後任清自己的能耐
從遠處眺望自己的一切可能
不會容易
但我真的很想供應我小小的生命為人纇存在的意義做一些什麼

時間不多
必須不斷增進自己的修養

青山多著呢
我卻才開始開發
燒柴的日子還遠
但我有毅力往前走

璇風襲擊地球

2008-05-26T06:40:00.006+01:00

吹吧

盡情的
痴... 威...

也許
就是此刻
真的璇風才開始發威呢

吹啊﹋

aaa

2008-05-25T08:28:00.001+01:00

4 days aaa
till the end aaa
of the aaa
the depletion of the bumbum aaa
yeah aaa

where am i?

2008-05-20T22:23:00.002+01:00

counting down from 9.

...............

why am i constantly hungry???
hungry at 10.30pm despite having finished dinner at 8.30.

..............

back to journalism when countdown = 0.

..............

exchange. it's time to go back. barter system.
to save.
the
world.
humanity.

.............

books.
more knowledge needed.
overloaded with useless crap.

.............

the world.
is not safe.
humanity is depleting. so is the natural resources. the habitat and its inhabitants.

.............

back to basics.
the protein- like structure some trillion years ago.

............

nothing matters.
except living.

............

vitality.
positivism.
minimalism.

............

ditch technology.
consumerism.
materialism.

............

love.
learn to love.
love, to learn.
to learn love.
learn.
and love.

............

heart.
whole-hearted.
one-heart.
focus. use you heart.
用心
用，心。

............

officially 10.30.
and my world today stops here.
with bullying and schools.

when more important things, awaits........

%^$^&J&((*77&$#$%__>_(&^

2008-05-09T17:22:00.002+01:00

泡湯！

心情泡湯

計划泡湯

希望泡湯

期盼泡湯

煩啊！！！

一個月

2008-05-01T18:40:00.002+01:00

點算？開始有想玩的心態出現。非常非常之危險啊！

現在一切才即將開始

可否不要想那麼多無聊的玩意啊！

我要

自閉

一個月！

self(ish).

2008-04-22T18:27:00.001+01:00

How i wish i can type Chinese faster on mac but it’s so impossible and hence i need to type in English which might not be my best language to express my often conflicting thoughts. But anyway, i shall continue. Or begin.

22 april 2008. I am anticipating for the day that i can finally count down to the end of undergraduate exam. I drilled so hard on FYP and dissertation. And now, before i start skimming through journals regarding ToM, rPFC and TPJ (dun worry abt understanding these abbr. becos u dun nid 2), I want to shift my intellectual brain to non-intellectual sectors of the world for a few moments first.

I have no time to think about the near future just yet. But i do plan to read extensively on things outside the academic world due to an increasing self-efficacy towards maturing my inner soul. I am empty within. I know so little, think so little and engage so little with the essence of the world – people. I am, however, no good at engaging interesting conversations with others, but I have no strong intention to change that just yet, not before I feel I have a better/broader/deeper understanding of the world and not just about myself. After this egoistic month of continuous telling myself every morning that “I believe I can fly”, it is time to embark on a different journey, one that is not poles apart from my life as an undergraduate but one that exceeds it and expands it. It, shall extrapolate the virtues, and strengthen my capability outside of the selfish regime, and the list goes on.

I have engaged too much time thinking out of the box, the “Come on i can finish this asap..” box. Time for some energy food (which is never lacking in my busy life), and back to square 1 - not one that traps itself and goes around a stupid circle, but one that extracts valuable intellectual materials from all regions of philosophies and thoughts and ideas, translating them to become relevant to the repertoire of the goal and scope of the square.

11.45am @ Gloria Jeans.

受寵若驚。

2008-04-12T16:22:00.001+01:00

受寵若驚。
再也貼切不過了。

感恩。無盡感恩。
所有疼惜我的人，你們每一位，就像
天堂之下的守護神一樣
而此時
大家聚首在這裡
為我點亮心中的小燈
好讓我踏入人生下一段旅程時
更加勇敢更加堅強
而這心燈
閃爍之際更頓然領悟
是時候了
是時候收斂那些不可理喻的放縱
轉換放縱成
指引心燈的能量泉源
一種成熟的蛛絲馬跡因
那心燈若要永續燃燒
需要的是青山那無盡的心念心愿
火乃活的
心燈的心就是那隨風飄動卻不屈服於熄滅的意志
炯炯麼？不必矣。
毋寧是那星星之火
慢卻更滿更漫長
人說人生如戲戲如人生
而我這一出
乃是火紅的氣球翱翔記。

真的只有無盡感謝~
我還能要甚麼？

受寵若驚之後我要從中摸索出人生的劇本…… 永待續。

birthdayku yang ke-21

2008-04-12T16:08:00.002+01:00

9th April 2008
No matter what, the plan is to write a big “thank you” entry this birthday.

10th April 2008
One big “thank you” entry is not going to be enough. At least TEN.

***

I have so much going on in my mind right now. Since last night, since this morning, the whole afternoon, the whole day.

*should have ditched British lib as I didn’t gain much but lost something back there*

anyway…

Don’t take my facial expression and body language wrong! I REAAALLY AM SHOCKED! My relatively calm and unsurprised facial expression is merely an appearance that would then follow by a prolonged internally hyperactivity. Sorry for not being shocked enough. Whahaa..

Anyway, let me start with the thank-yous.

***
MR. M. yes. It’s only till today do I learn the true essence of your name. The Mysterious Mischievous Mike Tan Tsu Lin. What more can I say about your big big present. It was really unexpected! I think too much most of the time, but obviously not this time. A BIG THANK YOU! And it was your hell week isn’t it? The restaurant was just great! (great quality and GREAT quantity…). Awww and i love that necklace~ oh god! BEST SURPRISE PLANNER. (you do deserve being market planner of the month don’t you!!!)

Mr. Nekle and Madam Jane. Love you guys!!!!! Cant say enough. EVER.
The jetlagged mummy and papa’s pocket. Ohdear. A big hole there. And going to ballet black cos 你們任性的女兒訂了票 (how selfish of me.. ) BEST PARENTAL LOVE AWARD to you two~~ the bestdressed bestlooks bestsmile and the bestjokes bestcardwriter bestsupporter!

And… gajeh and keei keei!! Oh keeei keei!! YOUUUUUUUUU~ the best actress ever. I was suspicious abt things you asked me sometimes but.. not to this extent~~
I shall award keei keei the BEST ACTRESS/UNDERCOVER/SPY.

Gajeh~! You were so secretive too~ appearing suddenly out of your comfy msia home back in beeston.. haha. Thanks for the necklace ya~! It’s just great having you around everytime~ BEST SUPPORTING GAJEH!

Nice bag Seanny~ thanks for coming man! I mean… u missed your lesson~! And i just left quite abruptly the next day.. would really want to spend more time with you all… well. Maybe i could go to Madrid sometime yea~ anyway, you are awarded: BEST CUCINA DI ESPANOL. Credits for taking the easyjet. Its no where near easy.

BEST XUAN ER~jia xuan dear, to think about it, you are the most unexpected guest! And u just came back from finland with all those shitty weather~~ oh dear. U must be soooo exhausted… but thanks for the necklace. And the card. (and we realized we got to know each other right from the beginning of secondary?! Lol)

BEST ROSES…. Arlina~ aww. Don’t worry you are not blurrest that day. I must have been. Hhaha. Thanks for the cd too.

BEST SMS STALKER… my darling. I am so sorry that i didn’t reply. Thank you so much for the roses my dear.. i miss u too.. that’s why i am coming to see you. But nvm abt the licks ok. wahahaha ( i love how u made the “ü”, it’s so stalker-like.)
I am going to take my own sweet time to read those cards later on the train. It’s just the best place and time to read cards.

And everyone else~~ best greetings from near and far.
This is the best birthday in my life.
It will haunt me forever. Wahahaha.

繼續安靜的 scream

2008-04-06T22:27:00.001+01:00

作詞:丁曉雯李明依黃韻玲作曲:黃韻玲

給我一個繼續的理由
因為我不想就這樣回家
給我一個繼續的理由
好讓我明天還能夠有夢
還能夠有夢
我一個人一個人在流淚
我一個人一個人親吻寂寞

***

SCREAM　　1997

也不是真的不要關心，也不是真的不曾介意
可我也不是真的拒絕這一切
只留下自己

也不是全都不理不聽
也不是真的無從繼續
可每一次我的試著堅強
都成了不得已的哭泣

I’m screaming, I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be mature someday but
‘til now it’s still in vain
I’m bearing. I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to go on this path
But you said I haven’t get the jests

也不是真的不要關心，也不是真的不曾介意
而你懂不懂我？　懂不懂
其實我心裡都珍惜

也不是全都不理不聽
也不是硬要顛反事理
可每一次我的試著靠近
都成了你看見的抗議

I’m screaming. I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be perfect someday
But ‘til now it’s still in vain
I’m bearing; I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be understood
But you said I haven’t had seen it yet
(but you said I haven’t see the points)

I’ll try it out; I’ll try it out
I’m trying out sometime
I’ll try it out someday

everyone ditch hallward!

2008-04-02T19:00:00.002+01:00

i m soooo ditching this suffocating, self-containing, stale-aired, quiet-like-hell, oxygen-deprived, sleep-provoking, the-worst-place-to-work-in, metabolism-slowing, motivation-deteriorative, determination-ruining HALLWARD.

人生的填充題

2008-03-26T14:54:00.001Z

我是真的有資格昇級了嗎？

很想告訴自己，大概應該也許可以了吧。可是，經過了這好几次的重復自我反省、自我評估，始終我過不了自己這一關。外人更不用說，一定取笑我了。

面臨進步的瓶頸，面臨對自己的能力與智慧的失望。
這關卡，即使時間給了我一個arbitrary的肯定，自己還是得 *填充題 * 以讓自己真真正正地過關吧。

你知道嗎？世上最好玩的感覺，就是麻木。
開心和悲傷，都比不上呢。

﹋

2008-03-06T15:10:00.001Z

MUAAHAHAHAHAHA.

MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

**dingding***

拉邦我來啦﹋！

MUAAHAHAH.

blaaaaaah.

2008-03-03T21:12:00.002Z

one of those days.

when i feel a bit lazy and not bothered and not wanting to do anything.
a one day vacation.
it's always the mondays.
the monday-blues.
but the thing is i just worked really hard on the sunday, and lying down on bed on the sunday thinking, is tmr monday? i thought today is friday? so technically monday blues should not apply to me?
but i think it's the annoying 11-1pm ed. psy lect. cos from my past experience, i work best at late mornings and late afternoons.

***

it happens.
when u no longer hv loads of lecture to attend ( and as a consequence loads of self-lecturing/self-reading/self-teaching to attend to).
u just keep working and working and before u realised it's saturday and then monday.

the problem is
i can't work on a monday.
the worse thing is
it's a monday night.
i am not a person that works at night.
at least i havent been for the past few weeks.

i wake up early (but not early enough these days). and i swear i will wake up super duper early to work super duper hard tmr.
*mental note: rmb to marinate the lamb steaks for dinner*

i am going to complain to myself right now.
i have so much so much to do. sorry because i shouldn't be complaining here as I should be holding onto the precious hours of the night and work but actually now i am having a bit of headache thanks to my eyes but thank the Lord now it's better.

okie... enuf of blaaaaah.
9.29.
maybe some data entry could do a bit of help - to sooth the headache.
以毒攻毒，真的行得通嗎？

Ansari and the Trition: part 2.

2008-02-23T21:19:00.002Z

volume 2.

let's continue with the tale of Ansari and the Triton.

but do not forget, keifam plays a part in it as well. so I shall re-phrase my title as Ansari and the Triton: 11s and 12s.

ok. so nevermind about morning showers. I gave up. As long as i do get a shower. Going to 12s isnt bad. I get to watch 8tv news, realising how down-date I am with news back in Msia, all those politics. and Mr. Ong Kah Ting ( or watever), who loves appearing in the media every single day. advertisements, such as Brand's birdnest and the petronas CNY ads.... and 988. visited Gajeh for the whole week, reminiscing the broadgate days....

but then still... it's not good to disturb ppl wat... aiyooyo..

so i think on the monday. he attempts to fix the shower, WITH A BRAND NEW ONE. arent we all excited??!!
however to our dismay, there was a problem with the accuracy of the dimensionality of the machine. it doesn't fit the narrow space of the existing Triton. Poor Ansari. He has to search high and low once again. It's even worse than.. choosing birthday gift for your fussy dad. Which tie does he like? The blue stripy one or the velvety red one?

隔日。

三顧茅盧。

這次準沒錯了吧
總不可能要量身定作一架替換品吧
區區一個不起眼卻原來如此重要的發明啊
沒有了你我的生命開始發愁發臭
沒想到原來之前一直忽略您的健康
都是我不好
可為何要如此絕情
說死就死啊？！

***

anyway... wat was i saying just then? ah yes. the dimensionality issue. dealt with.
next day. he arrived with another Triton. My position: Jubilee Campus Business Library. MSN.

K: KeeiKeei. D: DaanDaan.

D: I think I am coming back now. going to gajeh's.
K: okie.
K:WAIITTTTT
K: He's here!
K: Give him some time.
D:ok
D:....
D: (pending)
D: (hmm...)
D: ???
D: helloooooo......
K:okie. The shower didn't fit.
D: AGAIN?!! &%*^&. kinda expected it anyway... I think you should give him a ruler to
measure the dimension of the shower PLEASE.
K: nooo.
K: it's the pipe, apparently.
D: OH.
D: it's just another excuse isn't it? next time he will say it's the wrong voltage
K: huh?
D: OH AHAHHAHAHA.

and then it was Thursday. and then Friday.
親愛的你，到底在哪裡？

Friday 7am. aaaaargh. SOOO FREAKING TIRED. i carried 3 freakin bags to school: backpack with academic stuff, huge hand bag and shower bag.
okie.. gogogo. sports centre here i come. I will shower till the last min before SNR3 begins.
7.30am.

sorry miss. the changing room doesnt open till 9am.

#$*^(*&)(*_()R%GHK^%^

RIGHT.

nvm i'll just feel very bleh and go to SNR then.
the girl with 3 bags walks heavily from sports centre to trent.
and she discovers a shower. A SHOWER ROOM. ooooooo salvation!!!!!!!!!!!
such high technology the best shower head i have seen for ages oh my god so excited it's even a shower room and no one's there and oh my god I can have my own shower area and hey it's quite clean oh so happy and oh so smart that i brought my hair dryer and ohh I LOVE YOU KEEI KEEI if not i might walk there being so tired and having the best shower in ages.

***

home.

a car. in front of 13.

identified a guy clossing the booth.

the girl with 3 bags 低頭側臉

***

YY: hello.
DD: Is the shower fixed?
YY: Yes!
DD: ....

***

I just discovered my favorite shower....... and now we have a brand new Triton. not fair!
oh well. it's always good to get back to square 1, aint it?
and this calls for a halt as the entry is getting way too long.
dat's it!

Ansari and the Trition: part 1.

2008-02-20T16:58:00.004Z

dedicated to our dear landlord, Mr. Ansari.

We love our landlord.

He spend his pass time coming round our house, helping us fix the easiest chores there is for a man to do, like changing a bulb.

Recently, he finds himself in a position of difficulty. One that challenges his repertoire of "the responsibility of a landlord" checklist; he realised he needs to fix the shower. hmm. If I were him, I will spend some money to get a technician and get them to fix the bloody shower. However, our ever so 熱心的地主 decides to try his luck to overcome the dysfunction of the wiring system of the triton. I shall now begin the tale of: Ansari and the Trition.

***

Volume I:

It was 8.08am in the morning of wednesday, as Yeung Yeung jumps down to a bright sunny day, she identified a problem found in the bathroom. The shower is broken.

hmm. okkkk... so what now? no morning shower! what the hell? I need this shower... I mean i have been showering in the morning for the past few months, hoping to get a kick start to a day as I wake myself up with the hot steam and the aroma of shower gels and fragrant of organic shampoosss.. $%^O&*P**(^&&GW

8.12am.

Hi Ansari. Our shower is not working. Can you come as soon as possible to fix it? This is urgent. Thank you so much.

Later in the morning, as I was sipping a soy latté, he called. AMAZING! for once a problem will be solved so soon. Awww don't we just love our landlord~~ good good. new shower soon to come.. yay.

And then later...

he told me it was a problem within. A mechanical fault in the operation of the shower, hence no water shooting out of the shower head.
woo.. okie. problem identified. solution? yes, find a new shower that fits. and tmr it shall be. a brand new shower. finally something new to add on to this refurbished yet still ever-so-old house.

but... I must have been dreaming!?!

the C.O.R.R.E.C.T. shower machine or whatever you call that (boiler? mixer? ) did not turn up till 9 days later.

the 9 days of not showering at home. I will tell you how keifam cope with it, in the next volume.

till then.
it's sleep time.

the E and the GO

2008-02-16T20:19:00.003Z

delete
deleting
deleted.

remove the negative energy from this blog and start anew.

think positive.
to win is to think win.

revive
reviving
revived.

revive the good energy good thoughts good feelings.
ultimately
self is the rival
to win or to lose
a matter of overcoming the ego within
to achieve or to fail to achieve
to be or not to be
is a question of competing against depletion of the confidence

to move on and keep moving on
hence
is the key

無

2008-02-13T15:44:00.002Z

二度吶喊

AAA...................

........AAA

無助的感覺

很
無
能。

失聲會很悲哀的。

2008-02-10T19:37:00.000Z

請原諒我

我是真的很想

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAA

A
A
A
A
A
AAAAAAAAAAAAA

抱歉，失聲了。

出眾

2008-02-10T14:41:00.000Z

鶴立雞群的
僅是那
高度吧

大年初一的腦海

2008-02-07T12:51:00.000Z

平凡

有什麼好；有什麼不好
就是沒有什麼好；沒有什麼不好
可是今天
天空還是有那麼一點點的
小灰

終究證明
那智慧是天生的宿命
那我的宿命
真的不在這裡
不小心路過
然後就這樣停留了三年

好吧
反正都這樣了
那就這樣下去吧
為了完成而完成
為了繼續而繼續

可是心裡面那深得不見五指的心谷
是有些不甘的
只是多少年了
一直用現實狠狠狠地拍拍拍
讓它保持發麻的狀態
麻
麻木麻醉........

請定義那智慧

2008-02-04T21:39:00.000Z

些許困惑
努力不懈與成功
明明沒有絕對交集
卻死都要死撐
只因為要對得起良心的譴責

不管了
後無退路
就讓慣性定律帶我飛吧

the art of bull.ness.

2008-01-31T20:43:00.000Z

the BULL shit that i have to finish
it's torturing, BULLying
often do i
feel like the BULL in the espanol
frantically 橫衝直撞 just to fight that person dat u will never win anyway
你永遠不會勝過對方的戰爭
因為真正的敵人
是那頭蠻牛
是那頭不講道理不問原由不管三七二十一
stubborn 硬頸執著

給我
一罐
蠻牛

也許我是需要的

***

突然好想讀 journalism
好想把自己陷進妙想天開的國度
遠離那些因為 empirical evidence 而存在的領域

那是.... 藉口吧
翩翩地
飄飄地
因為自己的飄渺
所以決定坦誠相對去面對
真正會讓我
快活
快樂過活的生活模式
更接進記憶庫裡那塊
熟悉的消遣

抑或是
我一直在消遣自己？
怪有趣的.....

快速尋找屬于我的生活
那是快活的最低要求
也是快活僅有的意義

***

夢夠了沒
醒醒吧
那蠻牛精神何去何從？
has it gone flushing down the toilet bowl
or is it hiding in the fridge --> in the redbull?

***

很無聊 ho~
這就是本尊此時此刻的
心情寫照
captured emotion
at a glance.

***

...or sing. sing a sing, make it simple, to last a whole night long.
how simple. if life is abt singing, blogging. how unchallenging.

***

很多時候覺得自己沒什麼用小學年年名烈前茅中學so-so啦還有第一第二班可以呆一下大學嘛簡直被埋在人才擁擠的人海中.....

***

in conclusion to the above paragraphs of coherent and at the same time incoherent thoughts, i proposed the bullness shall commence tmr.
rmb dat spanish bullfight?
no matter the end results, 撞死先算。

***
off to the dreamland. where i always vaguely dream abt smth and always manage to forget them when i wake up the next day. my brilliant brain. how i love it.

關於....

2008-01-23T23:12:00.000Z

travel with ur heart.

actually, i really hate my blog title. becos it totally spells out what i m made out of and only made out of. i only noe how to learn things when i feel it with my heart and that does not always happen. i can nod my head but not nod my heart.

***

and tonite. i travelled the 2-hr journey completely with my heart. and dat made me feel good and bad. good becos i feel comfortable following the emotional flow and bad becos i got stuck. STUCK.

我為亦先生默哀一分鐘

聰明一生，糊塗一時。那就夠了吧。
所以我還是甘做一個平凡的女人。

無情。
世上沒有人是無情地。
在於
何時展露頭緒

代價
付出的遠比沒有之前
來得痛苦

一念之間

慾念慾望
一切的慾
過了頭
等待你的只有失去

***

dun think i can articulate my thoughts further. just, let them be.
2352
the new train shall depart.. again.

d;iv*de/d $3|F.

2008-01-22T21:42:00.000Z

it's time to get back on the marathon

it's still a long way. i noe.

but 2 1/2 passed by so quickly, and the 1/2 left is not the time to stop and look at an interesting tree at the road side or sit down at the bench and stare at the sun.......

i shud just keep on walking and running and sprinting..

ahead right ahead. look back to correct yourself but not to indulge yourself in the past.

but before dat....

***

彷彿失去聯絡了我的朋友
一直任為你是唯一那位
不離不棄的最佳安慰
陪同我回味那些事過境遷
帶領我走入更多未知的精彩

抱歉我偶爾習慣你太多
可慶幸有你愛我我才
記得在那每每夕陽無限好之後
我依然有我依戀我眷戀的靠岸

****

okokokok.. END.

u aaa.. just cant stop blogging abt some random shit come on la.. wat time liao..9.42 u shud freakin work and stop getting stuck on blogging addicted to singing.............yoooooooooooooooooorrr!

post-exam. ?

2008-01-14T20:15:00.000Z

sooooo

wat's next?

come on

2008-01-07T20:20:00.000Z

it's really not the best time to get demotivated right now so pick up yourself and get on with it or else whatever you have been doing for the past few weeks will just go down the drain

pre-exams part 2.

2008-01-03T17:48:00.000Z

the psychological indigestion as far as the food of mind is concerned. this means
too much food to digest yet still a lot of food left. and it also means
to choose what to eat: what to digest fully, what to just eat and not feel the taste and texture.

and the correlated event are as follows:
the physically inexpressiveness
due to the enduring hours of being in a fixed position. in addition
the immobility of staying put
in the stale space and fast-moving tick-tocking of an invisible power.
consuming the body gruesomely
diminishing the muscles and building upon the wrong part to deposit extra amount of stuff due to the consequences mentioned in the last post.

the imbalance of the body and mind.
the integration of the vulnerable shell and the immortal spirit.

關於考試

2008-01-02T16:35:00.000Z

the consequences of exams:

physiologically fattening and psychologically slimming.

daan's place

2008-01-01T21:32:00.000Z

cafe is daan's place. no place beats a cafe.

where there is a cafe, there is a progress.

cafe is therefore the place to be.

y the hell no public transport on new year's day.

delaying my usual progress.

if it's not for new year's day, i will just be totally upset.

tmr, double progress, needed. keep ur promise.

too much.. way tooo much!

2007-12-29T21:32:00.000Z

someone...SOMEONE...

throw away all the snacks at home ppplllleeaaassssee......

a week off... and now back to reality!

2007-12-28T22:42:00.000Z

how far will destiny take you to, is not the only question i m concerned with right now.

so i dun care if my destiny is a trap door or a dead-end or a new path to a new beginning, i just need all the will power i ever need to concentrate and become bombastically commited to work like a cow.

C.O.W.

aaaaa

who took away my motivation my determination my strength my will power

OKKKK

tmr tmr tmr.. wake up at 6am work till 6pm

YES EVERY SINGLE DAY, I SHALL.

marathon has just begun.
it shan't end till 11.1
stamina building has been done
and after the long-awaited rest
i shall get back into my track suits
and get ready for the real challenge towards the interim finishing line
before i deserve the next break

moderation

2007-12-13T21:01:00.000Z

holiday, erm, i mean study leave is here to stay. for good.

so where is christmas going to bring me to this year? not too sure yet.

all i noe is, currently i m in a moderate mode. moderate is when

u r not preoccupied with anything but at the same time occupied with something;
not taking things too seriously - not in moods of, "i dont want to work..." or "oh gosh i have to work!!!!!";
not in an especially sad/emo or happy/hyper mood;
not in desperation of.. pretty much anything;

and above all... what i really mean by moderation is,
the feeling of content.
and i have been like that, for the whole day.
seize the day, or the night till the end, i shall.
it's not like that everyday u noe.

maybe, a good breakfast helped a lot;
maybe, accomplishing the littlest thing of showing ur concern to others, helped as well;
maybe, seeing people that u hvt seen for a long time, helped too;
maybe, being at the right place at the right time, with a partial planning towards it, helped all the same;

yeap. that's all with update.

such a rational/lack of extremity post update. so un me but yet so me. ^^

WAIT. .. .....

2007-12-06T18:00:00.000Z

anticipating for the realisation of error is just driving my nerves all over the place and then not returning the firing neurons into the correct place and causing many imbalance in the neurotransmitter and the post and pre synaptic clefts are going wild too.

de-tragedised, the great, gatsby.

2007-12-05T14:22:00.000Z

no i m not going to fail my expectation;

this is just the beginning;

the old chinese proverb, i shall now announce, will not apply to my current situation;

there is no way one could succeed without having to fall down, a few times, in a row;

rmb the story of the bulb and the inventor;

think about moving forward;

positivism and optimism is the way to go;

boats rowing against the current, but i shall not borne back ceaselessly into the past.

未完成

2007-12-01T22:38:00.000Z

一號接近尾聲，可堆上來要做的事情好像，有增無剪。

2007年最後一個月的起端，見到了一位久違的舊同學。真開心。想一想，那些曾經一起追夢的歲月，都似乎隨著接觸現實殘酷的爪而逐漸引退。然而，為了夢想，我們還是願意堅持，直到自己不再擁抱那股熱誠為止。

夢想，之浩大之可塑性之浪漫之瘋狂，使得我們經常為之懷舊放縱硬硬來。

那是，少年時的瘋狂往事。
而我，想要大膽的，重踏那段，未完成。

從最初到最終 ﹣《蛋蛋於妙想科學》之首部曲

2007-11-21T09:19:00.000Z

從最初到最終 ﹣《蛋蛋於妙想科學》之首部曲

窗口邊體驗星巴克的感覺
原來比咖啡因更上一層樓

有朝一日
璇風一定會出版文藝寫真

卡路里開始升級
臉部肌肉面臨澎湃橫向延伸
不祥也不祥也

十萬火急！！！！！！！！！！！

11.37am 16/11
沉溺入咖啡文化
淪陷完成77%中的0.18
我的未來
掌控在璇風於星巴克之間的小邂逅
那個天空似清晨的late morn.

12.53pm 16/11
靜坐不語食指大動
緩緩灌淨一大杯耶誕香
十指緊緊貼進
灰白電腦鍵盤
不覺時間已近13

2.50pm 16/11
沉溺沉淪沉陷
沉著沉悶沉睡

2.54pm 16/11
...

10.47am 17/11
一日之計在於晨
tuning into – downtempo netmusique.

1.31pm 18/11
吃了什麼
如此疲憊
需要些什麼
挽救離走的魂魄
歸還邂逅精髓
擁抱智者群眾
脫俗優物鶴立萬物之上
那將是我往前踏步的方向

3.32pm 18/11
ginger loaf cake and Christmas blend please.
星巴克之中漫延開來的
耶誕音樂
耶誕情愫
何時才會到我
何時耶誕才像耶誕
耶誕糕再來一口
耶誕香再來一口

3.48pm 18/11
真的要這樣嗎？

9.21am 19/11
6hrs till deadline.
今天我一定要克服hallward.

4.01am 19/11
如果努力有用的話，那要頭腦干嘛？！

get fused into the lisa-ono-ness of.. life.

2007-11-01T18:25:00.000Z

if i get to choose a life, i would be satisfied with mine.

i cant believe this ME is actually a university 3rd yr student waiting to receive the 1st ever ( and most likely the last, or not?) undergrad degree yet sitting here blogging abt how she is enjoying her life as the person who enjoys food with a twist of french cross italian slash japanese fusion and all that jazzes her. and yes that would include some lounge music with a blend of jazz a twist of blues and anything that could linked in with melancholy.

oh dear.

anyway, i m glad i chose to be the way i am now.

subtle experiences in life form parts of your personality though it might only exert when the context is right. and very often when u make decision in life you need to be in the correct state of emotionality as well. hmm. seems like i m not making much coherent sentences in this paragraph. but anyway, i was just trying to say, it's all down to timing and opportunity.

so do the right thing at the right time.

when it's time to laze around, then just stare at the faraway shadings of blue and orange and spend your dinner with the sunset.
and when it's time to hand in your assignment, consolidate ideas while you are toiletting and question the validity of your arguments when you are showering. at least that's what i might do.

okie. that's it for tonite. time to prepare yet another exciting dinner, to say goodbye to october and hello to november.

poems are fun to express the unexpressable.

2007-10-16T19:09:00.000+01:00

也許是執著也許是尋覓也許是回憶

totally stubborn
yes i am
holding onto that something
which creeps inside and perhaps beyond me
into the definition of
my self-identity

i m not tired
no i m not
i shall prove to myself
yes myself
that all this is no burden
they r just part of me
naturally
not becos of the past, future, present
but it just comes naturally...

dat's y i m doing all this .

there is no end until i find out
the causality behind the truth that is yet to be explored

soon
that will be
the 'soon' that is not too far away

and it continues...

the brand new,.. me?

2007-10-12T23:36:00.000+01:00

how has life been treating me?

***

it's been.. really quite some while. since i last blog, blogged abt taiwan.. and those days where i feel comfortable sitting under a tree, listening to voice of nature, feeling the sunset, amuse myself with the everchanging clouds, and the appearance of the smiling moon..

and months later, i find myself, sitting here in nottingham, on a not-so-comfy dining chair, typing away just cos i feel bored and wanted a rest from work. well, not dat i worked a lot already. but yea, i need an interim break? lol. made up word.

off to my 1st dance lesson for this semester, sem 5. it's one of those things, or one of those days dat i look fwd to. maybe i just love being alone too much. mark my words, not being lonely, but being alone.

for the fact of my fondness of lonesome, i lost the sense or more like i never had the ability to communicate with another person properly, and especially when i m stress/nervous/panic. argh. dat is definitely one BIG THING dat i hate abt myself.

dat's wat brought me back to this little corner of mine. to talk thru myself, abt my shortcomings and how can i improve it.

not easy. definitely not. but thru more exposure and experience, i truely hope i will improve. maybe i need to get part time jobs to get myself more charismatic. i need it, for survival. yes, it's dat bad....

oh well, i dont exactly want to be too negative abt myself here.

yes. looking fwd to a brand new saturday. and then, it will be back to working mode. i need it for 3rd yr. my expectations r high for this yr. i need to achieve a certain amt of success, before i can actually allow myself to pursue a dream, the dream.

ok. dat's it folks. will meet again, when i m nearer to my dreams.

臺灣東海岸之旅

2007-08-07T07:11:00.000+01:00

對臺灣的認知

大部分停留在臺北的高樓

西門町的巷子

誠品書店

不打烊的7-11

***

但是臺中花蓮之旅過後

就整個不一樣了

往花蓮沿途的咖啡車車

還有陪伴著一杯杯的曼特寧的枯樹月色

接下來的一天，更探討了石窟的奧秘，還有仰望更加奧秘的藍天白雲....

可是，這一切只不過剛剛起頭。更心曠神怡的還在後頭。

因爲，我們住進了我個人認爲，獨具“后現代浪漫”主義的民宿 — 光宿。

還趁機翻一翻這裡女主人的CD收藏

然後盡量妥協只有一把風扇能夠給予的涼快的...樂趣？

不過這裡的生物倒是別有風味，如這一只蝴蝶....

月亮呢，總是默默地守候，待夕陽西下之后，為漁民照亮。
真的，來到這裡，才體會到，月亮的偉大。只可惜，沒有月光照亮海面的照片為証...

理所當然的，這種地方給予的靈感，可是無限多的。
如果讓我住上一個月，我會考慮出一本“流連東海岸之詩情畫意”....

更有趣的是，這裡有一個叫做春天的猛男，開了一閒只有一座的餐廳。鮮少接觸城市的文化，卻可以煮出一些口味十分Fusion的菜色。了不起啊！我妹也因此偷偷喜歡上他，2 個晚上。哈。

那麽，既然這麽喜歡這裡，我怎麽又是一副臭臉呢？答案：曬斃了！

旅途中，肯定少不了拍一些很有感覺/FEEL的照片啦....

不過呢，還是不忘自拍一下下.. 看看這兩位，拍到幾爽？！

最後豐盛的原住民大餐，更讓我見識了貨真價實的正派臺灣石頭火鍋！原來啊，使用熱騰騰的石頭，當作另類/傳統加熱器，將鍋裏的東東加熱！百聞不如一見！

然而，我是多麽不捨啊。飛機之下的雲層，願意再次帶我到遠離都市的桃源嗎？

初步计划

2007-07-11T16:06:00.000+01:00

荒废了这里好久了.. 真是不应该的。

***

这些放纵的日子里，我的脑袋可是没有怠慢下来的。
在想，到底以后的我，该做一些什么有意义的事业。

一直想完成梦想。一个翩翩的梦。
可是，我弄不清楚，那些梦，是回忆的后遗症，还是未来的所有。

到底，我还要这样下去多久呢？
是因为没有好好说再见的关系吗？为什么总觉得老是和那一些回忆纠缠不清？

多少年了往前看好不好？

***

好吧。那如果真的不能摆脱那些梦想干脆去面对吧
于是我开始计划
毕业后给自己一年的时间去探索那一些翩翩的飞舞生活方式是否是我想要的
然后呢
就看着办吧

而接下来的一年
必须先修好这一门学士学位
以后的路怎么走都好
既然已经差不多到寒窗三年的终点了就应该有始有终的对自己对父母都有一个交待

加油

the last of the 180 marathon

2007-05-30T23:07:00.000+01:00

last 180

pleeaaaasseeee

i need smth good

smth more than good

let the last 180 be the best ever 180 minutes in my life

oh gosh

y am i saying this

anticipating... with hope

180是个宿命的记号

2007-05-22T23:14:00.000+01:00

用180分钟准备
在准备后的180分钟之后开始
然后在180分钟之内结束

还有多少 180 需要继续承受下去

谁都好，请为我默默往正面祈祷。

死因(II)

2007-05-21T21:40:00.001+01:00

瘫痪在一摊
需要重新面对的数目字
我不想真的不想
有什么可以挽回我的钻牛角尖

为什么那个牛角尖死了都要针对我
为什么那个牛角尖早不钻迟不钻
偏偏在我生命唯一的180分钟里面开始不停地钻

It’s so XXX straight-forward
And u just can’t see the XXX point

悲
愤

无法解开了
无法

请赐我睡眠
让我醒来以后忘记这一切发生过的蠢事
就当作
那些愚蠢的180分钟
是我梦境里的所有

也许
明天之后
我可以考虑转行了

做一个
钻牛角尖的诗人
也许
这样子会比较快活一些

死因

2007-05-21T21:02:00.001+01:00

我需要勇气

失败的可能性太高的时候

我真的需要勇气

勇气去面对自己不堪的过去
而这不堪的过去即将变成更加不堪的未来

不堪
因为不堪
所以更不堪

一百八十分钟
决定生死的一百八十分钟

我

死

了

。

终结

Work, Stress and Statistics.

2007-05-21T10:10:00.000+01:00

try combining:

a) milk with stress

b) coffee with stress

c) milk with coffee with stress

what do u get?

Diarrhoea.

31.5 · 9.6 · 16.6

2007-05-16T14:15:00.000+01:00

一些梦原来是如此地真实
画面渐渐离我远去
然而感觉贴近心境
就这种感觉
没有让我伤悲或疲惫
就因为这种感觉
我的阴天仿佛比别人的多了朝气
就因为这样的梦境
即使没有什么预兆性能和可信度
却更让我下定决心
先好好搞定
现在现时间的
苦境与困境

艳阳天里我不远了

我的 31.5 · 9.6 · 16.6

Spatialisation for/in(of) an Egg

my new site.

野薔薇 – 觀後感

好玩的意境

真夠好玩的

所以說 我為甚麼那麼喜歡黑夜啊

努力生活著

I like to think that....

信念的力量

你 會一個人去看電影嗎？

2012: a future that will come anyhow so why not just face it

.

Goal: 350 or less.

A Doorbell

no more what ifs.

tatami bed

Blog Action Day

受夠了

read with caution (mind the (sometimes invisible) brackets please).

dlrow.

things could have been better, today.

沒有所謂的道別

When will the rain go?

randoms of the mornings

焉知......

WAKEUPU!!!!!!

f={ % time/ % myself off this comfy zone, %= spring}

binge eating disorder?

mavin khoo

when london snowed (as in real snow)

un.pleasant.

有感，而發

新的一年

天堂與缺憾的關係

sick and all that's nasty

frustrations kicking in...

just a few minutes to throw my thoughts out there

LABAN

格林威治的生活型態

tmr will be a better day

腦惱振蕩

我永遠愛你

我的消遣 不僅是玩玩而已的

it's time

an aspiring ending note.

why not, look forward?

a desensitised embodiment of failure.

反思： 反覆思考， 反轉思路。

璇風襲擊地球

aaa

where am i?

%^$^&J&((*77&$#$%__>_(&^

一個月

self(ish).

受寵若驚。

birthdayku yang ke-21

繼續 安靜的 scream

everyone ditch hallward!

人生的填充題

﹋

blaaaaaah.

Ansari and the Trition: part 2.

Ansari and the Trition: part 1.

the E and the GO

無

失聲會很悲哀的。

出眾

大年初一的腦海

請定義 那智慧

the art of bull.ness.

關於....

d;iv*de/d $3|F.

post-exam. ?

come on

pre-exams part 2.

關於考試

daan's place

too much.. way tooo much!

a week off... and now back to reality!

moderation

所以說我為甚麼那麼喜歡黑夜啊

你會一個人去看電影嗎？

我的消遣不僅是玩玩而已的

反思：反覆思考，反轉思路。

繼續安靜的 scream

請定義那智慧