2 more days

21/9/06. 8.55p.m.

2 more days b4 i leave for UK, 2 more days before i leave the ever so warm n humid KL behind.

met jing, suzanne, liyen, rachel, mary n ah-bin today. glad to hear old jokes old gossips n old laughters. will miss ya all in UK. no more gathering in small rooms that could not really fit all of us. no more heart-warming soup on a cold night. no more cooking instant noodle in small rice cooker. no more hair-curling for miss liyen.

sometimes it's better to just keep all these in the back of ur brain. :)

thanks for the gathering today guys! nice thai food! love the tom yam soup n mango sticky rice! eii.. how come we didnt took pic? ggeeez..

***

can't wait to meet up CH-buddies for ktv n long chats on sat. can't wait to c them yet not really wanting dat day to come.

till then, i just wanna take my time n breathe more of the msian air.

白白的

回到吉隆坡，鼻子敏感突然好了。那个房间果然有问题。

沉溺了24小时，现在还活在余温当中。真够力。大马人唱歌，果然还是行的。

一个星期！！ 不，5天。 2，3，4，5，6~~~ 星期六就要飞了..

好像，白白地过了一个白白的假期。感觉怎样？嗯... 就.. 白白的咯。

歌唱了。好东西吃了很多。觉睡了很多。呆发了很多。电视盯了很多。资讯接受了很多。

就这样。接下来的，就是把白白的假期，分散开来，变成七彩。

沉淀

一年了。来了新加岛那么久，都还没有重新建立起饭后散步的习惯。今天却突然走出屋子，步行在夜间的小路上。就不知道是什么样的无形的力量，总是在这个时候，我不由自主地让我沉淀自己，而心中大部分的时候，是愉快的。我以大环境为友，一切来得那么地自然。套一句妈常用的字句，也许是因为“磁场”好的关系吧。

前些时候，我说到自己一直盯着电视看，对吧？今天，我终于开始拿起《那些年我们一起追的女孩》，从书签停留在的那一页开始，展开与现实生活杜绝的赛跑，而这一场赛跑，时间不是评判，或则说，时间根本不是赛跑的原动力。

不想看连续剧，也不想看综艺节目，却开始想看电影。很多很多很多的电影。还好，有天映频道。

这几天看了好几部不错的电影，也许不是耗资千万的巨大制作，令人捧腹的戏剧影片，可是，当中的感动，以及围绕在几个人物之间的友情、爱情、亲情，以及牵涉到各阶层社会人士的观念等等等，却可以感动小小的我的心。

《电车男》，《海南鸡饭》，《NANA》等等，2小时的紧凑，总好过20/40个小时的拖泥带水。2小时候的余波，远远超过那一滴激发第一圈涟漪的露水。怎么连我自己也不知道自己在说什么啊???

说会来，刚才，走着走着，突然回想起，2年前的自己，走在没有变化的HG，好像也如此，如此地幸福。被几栋黄色的10楼高的长柱体拥抱着的小小世外桃源，依然是那么地安详。然而，想一想，2年前的我，2年前的一切，已经离我那么地遥远了。昨天永远不会回头，仿佛和19年前，开始学会独立呼吸的那一天的距离是一样的，一样的遥远，一样的永远消失不见。虽然回忆永远烙印在脑纹的某处，可是丧失了的时间，怎么讲，还是丧失了。

好了，我是怎么又变悲观起来了...

还是继续回到可以让时间暂时停滞的小说迷宫中吧...

无聊人请进

过了好一阵子的无聊生活，也觉得自己越来越无聊了。没事做就看电视，藏在那一层玻璃后面的世界每一天千变万化，然后我就像个虔诚的信徒一般，每一天准时扭开电视。默默沉溺在没有营养的八卦话题，看看在娱乐圈里工作的人今天又干了什么事，仿佛他们的一举一动，都会影响我每日的健康平安快乐一样。不知哪一天，若没有了他们，我的生活还是否多姿多彩呢？

再来，会定时观察其他人的生活方式，看着他们的生活有多精彩刺激感人可怜辛苦幸福，然后进而感叹自己为什么生活如此地无聊乏味，或者庆幸自己有多幸福快乐。有时候，会怨恨那个男人为什么那么贱，竟然对不起女人。有时候，却为了别人楚楚可怜的遭遇而眼泪盈眶。就这样反反复复看着别人过活，到了夜深人静顿然发觉自己的生活却是百般无趣，只有看着别人开心伤心的份。讽刺的是，那一些让我目不转睛、聚精会神于荧光幕前的，却有多少是值得我为之耗费岁月的呢？歪歪脑袋想一想，抓抓头皮算一算，我花费在荧光幕前的分分秒秒，可以让我把所有我还没看完的书看完，甚至把所有碰到的陌生词汇查出来，还有记起来。很可能还有多余的时间慢慢消化每天只有被我眼尾扫过的份的头版，经济版等。

哪一朝当我日上三竿才甘愿爬出温暖的被窝时，发现报纸不再有娱乐版，电视不再播放干我屁事的八卦消息，媒体不再歌颂片面性的审美观，也许我已经成为下一位方文山/藤井树了。

赫然发觉到，我所有最大的业余兴趣，全部都为了躲避称霸“休闲时间最常做的事之排行榜”多年的恶势力、兴趣族群之中的黑社会老大而纷纷任由我将它们抛在脑后。它们到底是在等待我有朝一日会觉悟的可能性，抑或是害怕被具有勾引能力的新世纪恶势力砍杀，决定自动弃权而后退三分？不晓得。可是，有一点本人是非常清楚。就是狡猾的良知最喜欢掩饰自己，而远见的理性也同样不喜欢抛头露面。它们俩最爱耍弄愧疚这个在人性存在的第一天就存在了的游戏，好让愧疚将它们俩的面纱狠狠地撕开来，表露出它们会发放白色光线的、赤裸裸的真面目。白色光线把一切的糊涂迷惘逃避害怕不安等等完完全全照亮，不让一丝的侥幸伴随着那些愧疚未能够顺利逮捕的漏网之通缉犯，利用自以为光芒无限的自己，笼罩所有人性的丑恶。而事实上，良知和理性，确实具有这样的力量。可笑的是，良知和理性，何尝不是人性的一部分呢？万物皆如此，正负相遇相克，最终就是为了达到中庸之道的境界。


最后，衷心感谢阅读了每一个无聊字句的你。如果没有无聊的你们，还是会有这个无聊的我继续写一些作文考试写出来肯定以零分计算、离题到离谱的文字集合。

happy~~~~

aaaaaaaaaaaaa

i lied. but pls tell me it was ok.

PSR MLM .. i love it!

it's such a stupid thing. sometimes i feel i dun live a normal life, bcos i dont. i miss those good old days.. psr mlm! i hvt been there for soo long!

it's raining. thank god it didnt rained, just now. god blessed, truly.

***

last week b4 going to sg.

so 矛盾。

不想去，有很想去。u gain things n lose things. it's just the way of life i guess.

***

i enjoy doing things for myself, at least for now. i meet frens bcos i want to meet them. i read when i feel like reading, sleep when i feel like sleeping, n sing when i feel like singing. n write wtv dat comes into my mind, no matter if it make sense to anyone or not. at least, it make sense to me. at least, at dis moment.

raining. still.

it's 2.30am, otherwise, dis entry might hv been longer.

***

happy to regain, the need to express feelings n emotions, thru words that can but perhaps may not fully illustrate things, but nth is more important now, than re-entering the world of, ME.

无奈

我曾经是那么地热爱，这片国土...

***

小时候，以为这里充满了所有的幸福人，因为大家都同样拥抱着，一片没有天灾的国土，邻国是火山、地震活跃地带，我们最多遭遇一些余震 + 水灾之类的。

以前道德课本、历史课本，都在告诉我们大马是个多元化种族的国家，有华，巫，印3大民族，然后大家相处融洽，就像梦想中的某个理想童话乐园。

哼！谁还会沉溺在童话世界的迷幻之中？

渐渐长大以后，我们都发现，我们被老师骗了，被校长骗了，被学校骗了，被社会骗了，被全世界骗了。

***

今天，当我身在车厢里，望着有点陌生的风景掠过眼前时，我豁然发觉，我已经开始越来越不属于这里了。

我是要开心，还是伤心，呢？

***

现在的我，最喜欢的是这里的音乐人，因为只有他们，我才有理由继续以大马公民身份为荣。

在一次随笔...

终于去了redbox!!!

一个字：爽!

***

藤井树不够了，也许该开始看另外的书。

等着我看的书: 《在世界的中心呼唤爱情》，Memoirs of a Geisha, Pride and Prejudice etc... 还有一本刚买的，什么方文山等人推荐网络作家。

与其等待灵感找上门，不如自己主动去找寻。

***

还没学习妈妈的看家本领，明日复明日啊真是。

***

滴答滴答，分分秒秒。休假的美好光阴，慢慢溜走。

流行乐，连戏剧，电影，娱乐新闻，治安问题，政治问题，道地美食； 流行乐，连戏剧....

无常循环，循环无常。

***

也许随笔写写，随意地玩弄着文字，可以激发正玩着躲猫猫的灵感泉源...

holi.

i hv lost the touch of writing...

cant be bothered to post pictures or tell tales dat happened in scandinavia... anyway, most part of the trip is plain n monotonous... all the spectacular fjords, breathtaking ranges, n numerous reflective waters hs numbed my senses to the extreme beauty of nature... at 1st glance, well, the 1st week was really trilling.. there's no other places like dis where u can see so much of wat nature is truly made out of. norway, the paridise of fjords n of world heritage, stockholm n copenhagen, the land of dangerous bikers n also home to tranquility. wish i could just wander ard the never-ending streets in such breezy n cooling weather.

2 weeks after back-aching, buttock-numbing coach rides up n down hills n windy paths, i now arrived at Chester, New Jersey, US, for the second time. the same day n month, last yr, i was here as well, getting use to a new environment, a small lil' town, with cosy coffee shops, tiny shops dat sells vintage stuff, or very country-side stuff. n now, now dat i m back here once again, this small little town of Chester, reminds me of Beeston. i realised then, i m already attached to Notts, in a way.

***
live for today. so i will just tok abt my life in NJ for now.

typical day in US. wake up @ 9 ish, brush up, yoga if i wake up early. send sis to Dr. place. head for cafe for coffee + muffin/pastry/bagel. retreat to book n observation. pick up mei. lunch. could go for shopping or movie or just go home. most prolly will go bookshop, mum's fav place, in search of her astrology books. dinner. tv. sleep.

not too boring, as it wld seem. immersing in holiday mood is the best thing ever. but i long for home: food, ktv, frens n all dat. 2 weeks. it's not too long from now.

不约而同的碰面

不约而同的碰面，一切一切，冥冥之中，早有定局。

从昨天晚上开始，一切好像都变得无法捉摸，仿佛一些东西，我即将失去。

最后一次的gathering， 10.40pm，在suz的小房间。从来，都没有觉得原来一间房间可以那么大，容纳了那么多的欢笑，那么多的回忆。Jing, Mary, Hang, Zak, Freezio, Mary 还有 Suz，今天全都走了，只剩下Mary。3am, 3.30am, 2次的firealarm, 我都不想发脾气。4点半，回到小房间。5点，Suz第一个走了。我送了她走，天已经亮了。

6点，睡了。9点突然惊醒。呆滞地洗刷完毕，cleaner Sue 突然进来。送了一张 Thank You Card给她，温暖地拥抱了一下。11am, 搬东西去self access，巧遇Jing n Raymond。送别第二集。

从City回来，同Mary去Uni Park，搞定了琐琐碎碎的事情。回来时，4点，在Newark Hall前面巧遇Freezio, Hang, Zak。送别第三集。

又是同样一班人，又是同一段回忆，相互交错的，是不是就这样，写下了完美句点？

Episode 2: Birmingham

nth much to do there except revisiting the city, everyday.

1st day, window shopping most of the time, n bought one t-shirt. birm is still like how i rmbed. lunch at Cafe Soya, i miss soya bean n tau foo fa so much. was so overwhelmed by extensive walking in london dat i hd to rest at krispy kreme's n of cos ate one as well. dinner was dis pakistani restaurant, the food was awesomely authentic n original, yumm. the sheesh kebab was just mouthwatering good, din really like the lamb chop though, but the naan was superb as well. sadly, all meat. aiks. the dessert was the climax of the nite, sooo sweetttt, if u want real sweet, rmb, go to an indian/pakistani restaurant. they serve u real sweet, it's just like eating sugar on its own. one bite is enuf, the second will just make u feel like throwing up. but nevertheless, it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

2nd day, i was crazy. crazy enuf to spend a freakin' 10pounds on golden music award. yes, i m crazy. spend most of the day in Starbucks, n just cos it's Starbucks i m willing to sit comfy-ly on the nice coach, n gazing at the comp screen, n sipping my java chip frappe. dinner at Wagamama's, hd jap curry rice, it was yummy n very filling indeed. n then, me n arlina tried to get into a pub for footie match, but i was wearing trainers so they din allow. how pathetic. argh.

3rd day, the usual get up at 10/11am, then brunch was yummy dim sum. n continue window shopping.. n tried Ben and Jerry's! oh my apple pie.. woooo! n yes, window shopping here we go again.. n finally, sat at dis bench at chatted for so long..while waiting mike tan to finish his work. then we went to Malaysian Delight for some Malaysian food ( aaa.. missed it soo much!) hd beef rendang, the eggplant claypot n 马来风光！ so nice! caught The Omen in cinema, n the ending was just soo disapppointing.. dat nite, chatted so long again with arlina till we can see daylight. slept for a few hrs n got up to catch the train back home.

the feeling of going back, doesnt always feel good. no wonder i like travelling. u can try to be a different person by forgetting ur past n future bcos travelling is just abt living in the present.

London trip

i hv left the habit of blogging aside, for quite a long while, n now it is time to get back on the track with updates of my life, which i hv spent most of the time away from nottingham.

episode 1: London..

it was sunny 3 day long.. 1st n 2nd day walking rapidly across london, but physical limitation came kicking in on the 3rd. couldn't bear the hot sun n the speed-walking no longer...

1st day was supposedly the shopping day. thanks ourselves for missing the train.. well, basically it was suz n mary.. hehe.. me, viv n szelyn got on the train.. suz n mary were holding onto my tix.. so we hd to meet at leicester to get together again.. n hence, wasted some shopping time as shops closed too early in UK.




it's funny how things always work the other way round. nth felt worth buying on the 1st day, but bought 3 things on the 2nd day, when it was meant to be a day of pure-touristy sight-seeing. oh well.. just cos dat H & M at Kensington was too inviting...

2nd day. breakfast at starbucks. can't get enough of coffee shops, i just love 'em. banana nut muffin n freshly brewed coffee. yum. brisk walking, or rather speed-walking through various pathways, pass through trees dat reaches up to the skies, sheding us away from direct sunlight. 若隐若现的阳光渗透一层层的茂密树叶，真是美极了。

exchanged of guards 看了第二次，所以没什么多大感觉，唯一的一点，就是同样那么晒，那么热，那么人潮拥挤。还有一股让人怀念的感觉，似曾相识的熟悉感。踏入人群之中，仿佛回到我的那双红保龄球鞋的回忆。

Kensington Palace, 还记得，2年前妈妈爱不释手的戴安娜王妃的原子笔。可惜，我未能重新踏入堡垒里面，门票太贵。

Bayswater 的 Duck Rice 果然名不虚传，可是我想念的，却还是那一股乡土味儿，而不是好吃/不好吃。就像是，一琬普普通通的Lai Fun，一碗简简单单的Pangkor Laksa。

傍晚的London Bridge上面，都是一群往同一个方向前进的上班族 - 往回家的路，往家庭幸福美满的路。我们逆着众人方向迈进，走到London Bridge中央，企图拍摄更加美丽的那一道Tower Bridge。

Mary Poppins：
- supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
- "anything can happen if u let it"
- "practically perfect..."
- "a spoonful of sugar let the medicine go down..." moral = no matter how bitter life is, the sweet memories will still guide us through our life's pathway till the very end.

and many many more.

*~ a simple story often tells more than it appears to ~*

3rd day: 我疲惫的身躯，拖着我沉重的双腿，走着走着，走到了Harrods。唯一让我精神振奋的，是尝到了Krispy Kreme。没有想象中的那么甜，所以还蛮喜欢的。Camden Town 是 Petaling Street No.2, 没什么好逛的。那一间Karaoke还不错，歌曲相当新，主要的还是同在诺丁汉相识的一般好友们一起高歌。爽，尽管因为这样而必须让钱包流血。

伦敦，我还是比较爱你绿色的公园，文化气息浓郁的 Covent Garden, 反光的湖面和那上头的鹅鸭。伦敦，因为城市外的独特气质而美丽。

update

can u believe it? shean hs no time to blog AFTER exam n was blogging on n off DURING exam. omg.

ok. updates.

C81BIO was not as horrible as C81IND. though the uncertainty remains in the air. 25% of getting a question rite. n i can make the worst choice sometimes. anyway, who cares now. the point is, it's over. ( wait till the results r out, n DENG DENG DENG DENG.)

tmr going london. 3 days 2 nites. then rest one day. well, rest as in, remain in notts. but will b hving dinner/outing with coursemates. last gathering b4 we depart back to our homes. then next up will be birm. shud be staying there for 4days3nites or 3days2nites. depends.

shall zzz soon. nth interesting to blog abt already.

ohya. sat nite was the jub gathering, with our 20ppl @ fridays. it was cool! n caught da vinci code as well. the movie was ok i think.. n now i gonna read the book.

cant wait to b occupied with books n books n more books in US. cos shall hv loads of time to spare.

okie. next update shud, ideally, be after london. if not too tired.

after exploring various chocolatesss, i still love ferrero n give it 5 star.

nut, chocolate, wafer. nth taste better than such a combination. yum.

right. enuf of 'time out'. back to work.

n 4 more days to go, b4 shean goes crazy from head to toe.

dragging

it just keeps dragging..

everyday, every hr, every minute..

preparation is dragging, time is ticking, yet motivation is depleting.

it's just one more week, but concentration has not been with me since, n one can see it quite cleary as i m back to blogging.

the worst is yet to come, i just hope dat i hvt reach my concentration threshold if there is actually one.

我窗外的天空，只有一种心情: 哭泣。

24小时的泪水，已经多到无法蒸发。也因为哭丧了脸的天空，眼睛也不能好好地睁开。看不下书，也只有这个原因。房间一角，舒服的床褥，呼唤着半梦半醒的灵魂，就这样度过了1个半小时休克时段。

醒来以后，脚板冰冷，天空依然灰色。纵使再怎么精神，看书还是不入脑。

以前，我到底是这么撑过来的。

窝在小小的房间里，快疯了。还好晚餐吃得饱，却因此浪费了时间。

明天，又是全新的一天。早点就寝，也许就不会钓鱼。反正这种钓鱼，永远不会有收获。

STATS DOWN

yeah!! STATS OFFICIALLY DOWN~!

***

after stats, went for a late afternoon tea with coursemates at the usual 'the bean'.. mmm.. just love the atmosphere there.. though it rained... hd my usual mochacino.. but i somehow tasted not as good.. i think i like trent mocha better now.. lol

then went to sains.. bought some healthy fruits.. yeah... n then.. off to fresh asia.. then to sukho thai cafe.. yum.. nice dinner!

aa.. wat a good day.. but i end up in a non-working mood.. felt so chatty tonite.. haha..

but u noe, nth is perfect.. smth just comes abt n ruin ur day..

it was a spider..

but i defeated it.. feel bad to kill it but i just had to. cos it lied on the celing n any minute it could drop right at my face while i m in deep sleep.. eww.. the tot of dat just gave me the courage to confront my fear n yes.. i defeated the mighty spider..

shud i go into the details of killing it?

ok. 1st i tied two hangers together.. cos u noe..one hanger is too short.. i dun really wanna feel so close to dat spider.. so ya.. n then.. i hd to wrap one end of the hanger with tissues. cos i m afard to hurt the spider with the sharp end.. (dis sounds really ridiculous cos in the end i killed it anyway..)

n then.. it moved.. n slided down it's invisible web... to the dark blue pattern carpet.. n i tot i lost sight of it!!! aaa... i quickly grabbed my hardest shoe, my clog/heels n smashed it.. aa.. i wrapped it with a tissue, n i could feel it's limbs.. ewww.. i cant stand the tot of a dead spider in my room n so i hd to throw it into the pantry... eww..

hope it will 投胎 into a better being.. a puppy/kitty etc... just dun become a spider again ok?

***

tmr back to books, n yes, no more drifting off like tonight..

"ED......."

tenors at my corridor...

"Ed............................................................................"

-_-'''

dat's how i got to noe wat's the name of the guy living opposite me...

is it that...

is it that when exams pressure comes ppl starts to get into depressions?

is it that when depression comes ppl start to accumulate negative thoughts?

is it that when negative thoughts come ppl start to recollect happy memories?

is it that when happy memories are being recollected ppl start to feel like going back to all those good-old days?

***

i miss my UWC benches. we can just sit there to eat, chat, and do work.

it is from those benches that i developed frenship, i will always remember.

no matter how yucky those benches once were, i really missed them now.

***

is is that when one feels bored and sleepy, one start blogging for the sake of amusement?

null disproved!

WOOHOO!

i disproved my null hypothesis!

wat's left to do now is, to do a final read-through tmr and the biblio section (which always takes me ages..)

n for now, it's stats time!

mother's day, May 14th.

sis bought purple roses, good. but out of all choice, with the addition of curry puffs? ok, fine. maybe she just wanna be special.. n cakes r boring enuf. n anyway, mum loves curry puffs. n i missed them loads. :(

called mum like 3 times but she didn't pick up. she called ard 11am cos she knew i called! haha.. apparently she did not hear my call cos she was in West Mall eating Mayim. n then they gonna eat Bali Thai for dinner. lol. jealous.

Happy Mother's Day Mummy..!!! hoped u hv received my card, n hope u liked it! mux! (she wont see my post anyway actually..)

***

btw, my null hypothesis was proven to be true. wat a disgrace to my experiment.

now i shall set 2nd null hypothesis, which i doubt it will be disprove, again. but i just want to set. hmph.

2nd null hypothesis: shean will not reach the word limit by monday afternoon.

geez. my goals r idealistic, but dat's how i need to make myself do things. if this was a lab report, i wld hv finished it earlier on. i wished i was doing a lab report, instead of this. not dat it's not interesting, but his WRITINGS r just too difficult to understand. i m just a uni student ok. argh.

anyway. i want to sleep soon n do work tmr.

i want to disprove it!