老實說 妳對待事情 到底有沒有認真過？

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let's speak. frankly my friend. 

it suddenly struck me that, i nv like to say anything positive abt myself. m i really being humble or is this purely a confidence issue. i do admit i hv a confidence issue. well, i do feel proud abt myself  once in a while. but when there's so many things that i dislike abt myself, how can i progress? 

spending this one year (cross fingers let this not be in vain or my dad will be like....) here at Laban is something almost triggered by spontaneity, of course with some consideration. but the intention was definitely an emotional one to begin with. when there is the time to rest a bit from a more 'oh-so-busy-dancing-days', i just automatically switch into the oh-so-lost mode. it's something positive. it proves i still care a bit about who i am in this world.

things are changing for me. been harder to be myself. that discipline self that i recognise myself as, during those keifam days, those uni days. i was much better (though not greatly disciplined). now i m just this flat person. i dont hv the vocabulary to describe it, but i feel deflated in a way. not that i m exhausted my resources, but i hv lost the ability to retain. 

it's a pity. 

some ideas struck me today though. 

1st it was those words by akram kham. and thoughts from watching xing guang (as like every other friday). 

i was really lucky to be able to meet Mr. Akram Khan in person and to have a workshop with him. His approach to dance is something I appreciate. His ideas are meaningful to me. Anyway not going on with this at the mo. He said, there are people who dance because they like to do it. but there are just people that HAVE TO dance. I could feel how his words were so powerful, alike his dancing. yes. some people just have to dance. but i already know, i am not one of them. it's almost a statement.

watching xing guang (and tv drama) was a ritual, so was hving dinner in front of comp (a habit that i picked up in term 2, sad to say). i suddenly realised (well, it was perhaps at the back of my head somewhere, but today was like revelation in a more conscious way) HOW HARD people work towards their dreams. and here i am. complaining about having obstacles and how difficult things are. well, if there is no such things as barriers and obstacles, then how would you define success? i think i need to consciously make myself aware that, no matter what i choose to do, there will be something that i just need to TAKE TIME and OVERCOME it with patience!  the same applies to that tv show i've been watching. it takes DETERMINATION to be stubborn (in a good way i suppose) about your philosophy, your way of thought, it takes courage and patience. and all that matters. i  just need to take time. 

i have half exhausted my mental power in thinking of WHAT i want, so it's perhaps more direct and better way to find out WHO you are 1st, through my organic/authentic movements. i believe i can see myself with my movements, and i have proven it to be true. 

CLARITY - my internal intentions are often not expressed to the degree that i wanted it to be. i.e. my movements are not clear, in terms of direction. 

maybe that tells something abt my oh-so-lost mood these years/months. 

through the transportation of ideas, ie. the process of communication, the process from internal cognition to external speech, smth is often lost in between. 

consistency. that's what i will need. and commitment. 

i know sometimes i dont physically commit to my movements 100%, at least not all the time. 

this IS  a problem, not only in dancing, but IN REAL LIFE. 

being committed to something means allow it to be CONSISTENT OVER TIME. determination, patience, integrity. 

it feels great to write all these down. and go back to it again. 

***

用心

用真心。