self actualisation 2

am i over-concern with ppl's perception? I think i am..
for many times.. i try to be like others..
i dun like myself to become the ultimate imitator.. but it seems to be dat.. i often reacted dis way..

ok.. put it dis way.. i am easily influenced..
how ppl do things n c things can influence my actions/response..
a group of ppl discussing subject X.. i somehow seem to follow the majority's point of view.. n.. y is dis so..
dat's y.. sometimes i hate myself..for being an imitator..
i think.. i just do not want to be indifferent.. i want to b accepted.. n feel accepted..

but i think... i am growing tired.. i suddenly feel myself becoming so.. so cool.. not making intereaction with ppl when i dun feel like it.. n i dunno if dat is normal.. n i try to observe how others deal with their problems.. n then once again.. i try to imitate wat i think is best..
but.. a contrasting gut feeling often burns inside me... shudn't i just react n do watever my true self feels like doing?
But then again.. wat is a true self..? in philosophical terms.. there is not ultimate true self.. self ..can be form by society.. ok.. not going to go into the deep down philo stuff..

i am tired.. mentally..
lately.. mentally tired can be linked to physical tiredness..
n all these.. made me numbed..YES.. I AM IN A STATE OF NUMBNESS..
i lost sense of feeling sad over bad exam results.. feeling extremely happy, feeling extremely sad.. i am just.. N.U.M.B.E.D.

for the 1st time.. i continously sleep till 9 smth during term time..
it's indeed a bad sign.. i need to correct dis..
it's 12.30am.. i better sleep.. my aim is to get up for breakfast n go to school earlier tmr... i just want to prove to myself.. dat i can do better.. i can..

i need self motivation.. n my blog always do me dis favor..
i miss the times when i update my blog so regularly.. i hate to think dat maybe no one visits my blog.. but wth.. who cares rite? I mean.. dis is MY blog.. n i can just write wtv i want.. who cares!! rmb! B urself!

ok.. feeling better now... which means i can stop babbling n go to find zhou gong.. yes.. n i will continue my journey on.. to a path where i belong..