self(ish).

How i wish i can type Chinese faster on mac but it’s so impossible and hence i need to type in English which might not be my best language to express my often conflicting thoughts. But anyway, i shall continue. Or begin.

22 april 2008. I am anticipating for the day that i can finally count down to the end of undergraduate exam. I drilled so hard on FYP and dissertation. And now, before i start skimming through journals regarding ToM, rPFC and TPJ (dun worry abt understanding these abbr. becos u dun nid 2), I want to shift my intellectual brain to non-intellectual sectors of the world for a few moments first.

I have no time to think about the near future just yet. But i do plan to read extensively on things outside the academic world due to an increasing self-efficacy towards maturing my inner soul. I am empty within. I know so little, think so little and engage so little with the essence of the world – people. I am, however, no good at engaging interesting conversations with others, but I have no strong intention to change that just yet, not before I feel I have a better/broader/deeper understanding of the world and not just about myself. After this egoistic month of continuous telling myself every morning that “I believe I can fly”, it is time to embark on a different journey, one that is not poles apart from my life as an undergraduate but one that exceeds it and expands it. It, shall extrapolate the virtues, and strengthen my capability outside of the selfish regime, and the list goes on.

I have engaged too much time thinking out of the box, the “Come on i can finish this asap..” box. Time for some energy food (which is never lacking in my busy life), and back to square 1 - not one that traps itself and goes around a stupid circle, but one that extracts valuable intellectual materials from all regions of philosophies and thoughts and ideas, translating them to become relevant to the repertoire of the goal and scope of the square.

11.45am @ Gloria Jeans.

受寵若驚。

受寵若驚。
再也貼切不過了。

感恩。無盡感恩。
所有疼惜我的人，你們每一位，就像
天堂之下的守護神一樣
而此時
大家聚首在這裡
為我點亮心中的小燈
好讓我踏入人生下一段旅程時
更加勇敢 更加堅強
而這心燈
閃爍之際 更頓然領悟
是時候了
是時候收斂那些不可理喻的放縱
轉換放縱 成
指引心燈的能量泉源
一種成熟的蛛絲馬跡 因
那心燈若要永續燃燒
需要的是青山 那無盡的心念心愿
火乃活的
心燈的心 就是那隨風飄動卻不屈服於熄滅的意志
炯炯麼？不必矣。
毋寧是那星星之火
慢 卻更滿更漫長
人說 人生如戲 戲如人生
而我這一出
乃是火紅的 氣球翱翔記。



真的只有無盡感謝~
我還能要甚麼？

受寵若驚之後 我要從中摸索出人生的劇本…… 永待續。

birthdayku yang ke-21

9th April 2008
No matter what, the plan is to write a big “thank you” entry this birthday.

10th April 2008
One big “thank you” entry is not going to be enough. At least TEN.

***

I have so much going on in my mind right now. Since last night, since this morning, the whole afternoon, the whole day.

*should have ditched British lib as I didn’t gain much but lost something back there*

anyway…

Don’t take my facial expression and body language wrong! I REAAALLY AM SHOCKED! My relatively calm and unsurprised facial expression is merely an appearance that would then follow by a prolonged internally hyperactivity. Sorry for not being shocked enough. Whahaa..

Anyway, let me start with the thank-yous.

***
MR. M. yes. It’s only till today do I learn the true essence of your name. The Mysterious Mischievous Mike Tan Tsu Lin. What more can I say about your big big present. It was really unexpected! I think too much most of the time, but obviously not this time. A BIG THANK YOU! And it was your hell week isn’t it? The restaurant was just great! (great quality and GREAT quantity…). Awww and i love that necklace~ oh god! BEST SURPRISE PLANNER. (you do deserve being market planner of the month don’t you!!!)

Mr. Nekle and Madam Jane. Love you guys!!!!! Cant say enough. EVER.
The jetlagged mummy and papa’s pocket. Ohdear. A big hole there. And going to ballet black cos 你們任性的女兒訂了票 (how selfish of me.. ) BEST PARENTAL LOVE AWARD to you two~~ the bestdressed bestlooks bestsmile and the bestjokes bestcardwriter bestsupporter!

And… gajeh and keei keei!! Oh keeei keei!! YOUUUUUUUUU~ the best actress ever. I was suspicious abt things you asked me sometimes but.. not to this extent~~
I shall award keei keei the BEST ACTRESS/UNDERCOVER/SPY.

Gajeh~! You were so secretive too~ appearing suddenly out of your comfy msia home back in beeston.. haha. Thanks for the necklace ya~! It’s just great having you around everytime~ BEST SUPPORTING GAJEH!

Nice bag Seanny~ thanks for coming man! I mean… u missed your lesson~! And i just left quite abruptly the next day.. would really want to spend more time with you all… well. Maybe i could go to Madrid sometime yea~ anyway, you are awarded: BEST CUCINA DI ESPANOL. Credits for taking the easyjet. Its no where near easy.

BEST XUAN ER~jia xuan dear, to think about it, you are the most unexpected guest! And u just came back from finland with all those shitty weather~~ oh dear. U must be soooo exhausted… but thanks for the necklace. And the card. (and we realized we got to know each other right from the beginning of secondary?! Lol)

BEST ROSES…. Arlina~ aww. Don’t worry you are not blurrest that day. I must have been. Hhaha. Thanks for the cd too.

BEST SMS STALKER… my darling. I am so sorry that i didn’t reply. Thank you so much for the roses my dear.. i miss u too.. that’s why i am coming to see you. But nvm abt the licks ok. wahahaha ( i love how u made the “ü”, it’s so stalker-like.)
I am going to take my own sweet time to read those cards later on the train. It’s just the best place and time to read cards.

And everyone else~~ best greetings from near and far.
This is the best birthday in my life.
It will haunt me forever. Wahahaha.

繼續 安靜的 scream

作詞:丁曉雯 李明依 黃韻玲 作曲:黃韻玲

給我一個繼續的理由
因為我不想就這樣回家
給我一個繼續的理由
好讓我明天還能夠有夢
還能夠有夢
我一個人一個人在流淚
我一個人一個人親吻寂寞

***

SCREAM　　1997

也不是真的不要關心，也不是真的不曾介意
可我也不是真的拒絕這一切
只留下自己

也不是全都不理不聽
也不是真的無從繼續
可每一次我的試著堅強
都成了不得已的哭泣

I’m screaming, I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be mature someday but
‘til now it’s still in vain
I’m bearing. I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to go on this path
But you said I haven’t get the jests

也不是真的不要關心，也不是真的不曾介意
而你懂不懂我？　懂不懂
其實我心裡都珍惜

也不是全都不理不聽
也不是硬要顛反事理
可每一次我的試著靠近
都成了你看見的抗議

I’m screaming. I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be perfect someday
But ‘til now it’s still in vain
I’m bearing; I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be understood
But you said I haven’t had seen it yet
(but you said I haven’t see the points)

I’ll try it out; I’ll try it out
I’m trying out sometime
I’ll try it out someday

everyone ditch hallward!

i m soooo ditching this suffocating, self-containing, stale-aired, quiet-like-hell, oxygen-deprived, sleep-provoking, the-worst-place-to-work-in, metabolism-slowing, motivation-deteriorative, determination-ruining HALLWARD.