Monday, March 30

randoms of the mornings

Ma de. Wo zhen de lao le ba. It’s not usually the case that i get jetlag, but for the past two times, i’ve been unable to sleep properly at night and feeling tired at certain hours during the day. It’s terrible, i don’t want that aging feeling. This made me feel that i need to immediately take charge of my body (i.e. what i eat and do etc). Please no jet lag next time round!

***

yesterday morning @ 7/8am-ish….

I woke up to the world, about 22 years ago. Not quite yet.

It was in this country, where birds would start singing their morning songs of ritual and the sky would gradually put on its multicoloured silk clothing, as if the people of the earth are not colourful enough.

Every time I walked through that gate 8, I still could not understand why I never once consciously anticipated that rush of humid air in and around this midst of space. It’s wet, frankly speaking, for a person that has got used to that cold and bitter dry air of that polluted city, where tubes make you dizzy and winds that would slap you from the back of your head and well right on your face. They give you headaches, cold feet and eczema hands. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Yet there is a sense of detached connection about London and me. There are times where you would just live there and, live there. On other occasions, you would hunt down for that timeoutlondon restaurant or linger between those corridors of touristy hang-out spots, still looking out for maps that would possibly tell you how to get to Kensington from Covent Garden, something like that. Whatever. Anyway, there is no doubt that London has become a part of who I am now, a part of my extra body fats too. Those late night hobnobs, custard creams and digestives is beginning to pay their price. That’s ok, it’s a process that everyone needs to go through, perhaps very differently, in life. A process that would inform you, something about yourself, something about your life. I guess that was how boring shit my life was (and perhaps would still be) – there was practically nothing that I could find pleasure out of, except for eating empty calories while youtubing those non-uk entertainment. Ok i don’t feel I would like to continue this conversation of binging further. Just leave it at a side shall we?

It’s now 8am and the sun is feeling quite happy now. It is just quite right. The ground is still quite cool, and the birds are still fishing for their early worms, whispering their joy into the air. The air, yes it is much fresher, much more like how air is meant to be. It’s supposed to be moistly delicate, with hints of aromatic spiciness and chlorophyllous texture. You would always smell warmth, coming from the climate of both equator and culture. There is nothing instinctively cold about this place, not even the taste of the tropical rains……..

(unfinished but not feeling like continuing at this point)

Sunday, March 22

焉知......

塞翁 is off to a change!  


it just needed that trigger ei?   WAHAHAHA.

Friday, March 20

老實說 妳對待事情 到底有沒有認真過?


***

let's speak. frankly my friend. 

it suddenly struck me that, i nv like to say anything positive abt myself. m i really being humble or is this purely a confidence issue. i do admit i hv a confidence issue. well, i do feel proud abt myself  once in a while. but when there's so many things that i dislike abt myself, how can i progress? 

spending this one year (cross fingers let this not be in vain or my dad will be like....) here at Laban is something almost triggered by spontaneity, of course with some consideration. but the intention was definitely an emotional one to begin with. when there is the time to rest a bit from a more 'oh-so-busy-dancing-days', i just automatically switch into the oh-so-lost mode. it's something positive. it proves i still care a bit about who i am in this world.

things are changing for me. been harder to be myself. that discipline self that i recognise myself as, during those keifam days, those uni days. i was much better (though not greatly disciplined). now i m just this flat person. i dont hv the vocabulary to describe it, but i feel deflated in a way. not that i m exhausted my resources, but i hv lost the ability to retain. 

it's a pity. 

some ideas struck me today though. 
1st it was those words by akram kham. and thoughts from watching xing guang (as like every other friday). 

i was really lucky to be able to meet Mr. Akram Khan in person and to have a workshop with him. His approach to dance is something I appreciate. His ideas are meaningful to me. Anyway not going on with this at the mo. He said, there are people who dance because they like to do it. but there are just people that HAVE TO dance. I could feel how his words were so powerful, alike his dancing. yes. some people just have to dance. but i already know, i am not one of them. it's almost a statement.

watching xing guang (and tv drama) was a ritual, so was hving dinner in front of comp (a habit that i picked up in term 2, sad to say). i suddenly realised (well, it was perhaps at the back of my head somewhere, but today was like revelation in a more conscious way) HOW HARD people work towards their dreams. and here i am. complaining about having obstacles and how difficult things are. well, if there is no such things as barriers and obstacles, then how would you define success? i think i need to consciously make myself aware that, no matter what i choose to do, there will be something that i just need to TAKE TIME and OVERCOME it with patience!  the same applies to that tv show i've been watching. it takes DETERMINATION to be stubborn (in a good way i suppose) about your philosophy, your way of thought, it takes courage and patience. and all that matters. i  just need to take time. 

i have half exhausted my mental power in thinking of WHAT i want, so it's perhaps more direct and better way to find out WHO you are 1st, through my organic/authentic movements. i believe i can see myself with my movements, and i have proven it to be true. 

CLARITY - my internal intentions are often not expressed to the degree that i wanted it to be. i.e. my movements are not clear, in terms of direction. 
maybe that tells something abt my oh-so-lost mood these years/months. 
through the transportation of ideas, ie. the process of communication, the process from internal cognition to external speech, smth is often lost in between. 
consistency. that's what i will need. and commitment. 
i know sometimes i dont physically commit to my movements 100%, at least not all the time. 
this IS  a problem, not only in dancing, but IN REAL LIFE. 
being committed to something means allow it to be CONSISTENT OVER TIME. determination, patience, integrity. 



it feels great to write all these down. and go back to it again. 

***

用心
用真心。










WAKEUPU!!!!!!

OMG SUCH CHILDISH-NESS.  what was that? i could have killed myself. 


this person that only dreams abt f.o.o.d. 
prob she deserves it.  u noe, the dream abt her being stabbed through the head. reminds me of Phineas Gage

man i really dont know y i hv such dreams. probably laughed too much. overlaughed. wtv.

###

phhrrrreeerrraaaaaoooooyyyyyyyyiiittttttttt. mmmmmm.

gosh. pure display of yet more childishness. 
just feeling really useless at this point.

and another one.

mum: OHHH u noe u shud take Masters in Psychology.
me: yeaaa.. there's loads of courses out there... loads of master of xxxxx psychology and other related stuff..
mum: u shud print them out and we discuss when u r back k? 
me: errr. PRINT THEM? (y freaking waste paper??) but there's loads~~ i dont know where to look from . there's like hundreds ok....
mum: aiya. narrow them down loo. maybe u only like 10 out of 100. 
me: yeaaa. but shud i just look at london?  ..........  (something along these lines)........

etc la. 



this conversation totally doesnt have to exist. one could clearly tell that my personality or my attitude MY ATTITUDE is killing me. KILLING MEEEEEE. argh. really angry with myself lately.

arghhhh this means bedtime is near sleep now or regret later end of sentence goodbye goodnight



Tuesday, March 17

f={ % time/ % myself off this comfy zone, %= spring}

spring is here to stay. it says "First Day of Spring" on the 20th march on my calendar. 


today is St. Patrick's Day, practically, it has no meaning for me, anyway. been bumping around Greenwich Park for the whole afternoon practically. sat for like 3 hours, eating lunch, enjoying the sun etc. but it was a bit too much, i really wanted to leave like after 2 hrs, but frens were there etc. the wind and cold was too much for me. metabolism shot to a high, ended up hving medium french fries from mcd cos i was hungry already. despite hving eaten roast vege panini and mini danish and coffee for lunch. wat the hell. and didnt get to go to cinema in the end becos frens hv headaches. rightooowww. fine. went to stock up on noodles from a chinese shop. took bus back to greenwich centre and bought tall soy hot choc to accompany that cold walk back home. blah.

sitting here waiting for time to pass so i can shower and hv xin la mian u noe the korean noodle for dinner. and then feed myself with my everyday lifeline, po li shi da ren. i think i'm at epi 11 now or smth. oh god. one can obviously tell i'm kinda annoyed. welll

actually it wasnt the result of the day, it's more like, i received this nice letter from my fren saying how i finally made up my mind to become a nutritionist, but obviously that is not true. i hv this stupid interview for BSc NUTRITION this thursday but i hv no plans on going. obviously i dont see the point in spending another FREAKING 3*365 days in a freaking uni with some freaking 18++++. come on, i mean, get a life, seriously. i shud be more PRACTICAL and start finding some kind of dream job and not be some kind of academic. 

now dat nutrition is not in my to-study-in-a-university-list, i hv much more little tiny things i would like to explore for a bit (and maybe end up not going for it as a career in like 3 minutes after). dat would include

- photography 
- restaurant management-ish? (not sure abt this)
- coffee making? (hmm...)
- eco stuff. u noe.
- organic stuff. yeah. those. 
- (some inspiration from a friend) art management 
- man i shud try translation too. been doing this for a frend quite a lot recently.
- wat else wat else wat else

oh the nutrition stuff yea, tot i could combine dat into my DREAM cafe - eco, organic, minimalistic. u get the idea. then yea nutritious menu. etc. but god. how many ppl r doing dat right now. i must be the best of the best if i really want to make it REAL. 

man i dont know. i m just this wanderer in this big big world where i cant even grasp a single corner of a freaking t-shirt. it's really stupid to think, oh, i m so gonna make a change to this world. wat crap. 

anyway. enuf of blahing. just dat, there's no one NO ONE to hv a freaking constructive conversation with. i m SO GLAD my mum is gonna come here so soon. at least i can bug her with my BIG QUESTION, with MY FUTURE for the next 2 weeks or so. poor her. cant even get a mental rest. not like she is so busy now or anything. she is just so lucky. but i dont wish to be in her situation yet. 

blog is there for a reason.
when there's no human that you can talk with, constructively, you just need someone to be there. or something. 

happy springtime :D

(oh geez it's gonna be like -1 degree min this friday wth)