an aspiring ending note.

i cant believe this but yes i am blogging for the 3rd time within 24 hrs.

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been talking a lot today.
A LOT.
but it's good.
this is exactly what i need most.
communication with an external physical body. a bi-directional mechanism in which i can understand myself more, from observing myself speaking and listening to others.

when differences meet, you will find yourself more worthwhile, in the sense that, everyone is unique, and could somehow contribute to the world, to the happiness of others, the well-being of the community.

i have been internalising my communication for a long time. sometimes i just really need some real communication. but so often do i habituate myself with solitude, a sign of the depletion of the essence of human kind.

AH. perhaps this is my newly-founded future prospects - interaction and communication.

Laban? Labanotation? Dance Movement Analysis? Non-verbal communication?

waha. what a dramatic ending note to a this day where i officially disconnects myself from anticipation of an unknown future. love it.



i wish there was a degree in love now. where love extends beyond the individual, the group, the community, the society, the country, the race, the world. (oh no system theories).


ok. let me jot down a few aspiring sidenotes before i fall back into a melancholic mood.

i thought of doing something ECO. something green. something that contributes to the maintenance and improvement of life, from the most general point of view.

i thought it continuing with psychology, but in a more diverted way, or a less direct way, lets put it this way. a form of healing, through understanding of the self, but not only the self.
but self, in relation to, others - people and the environment. through the medium of language and movement. through the variation in culture and social norms.
(at this point i am extremely glad i did psychology as a degree, eventhough i did not excel as a great student, but personally, i deeply appreciated the maturity that i have gained throughout the years).

i thought of doing chinese medicine. link with nutrition. with naturopathy. with body and mind as a whole.


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in response to post no.1, dated 12/6/08.

i have successful untangled myself from a maze of self-torturing and self-humiliating. i learn or relearn to accept the fact that PROCESS is always more important than the RESULT.
i am glad for what i have chosen to do with my degree, eventhough the result have been such due to my divergence from conventional psychology.

at this point, i TRULY have thought it through.
i just could not believe that i am able to end this day with a gleeful smile.

lets hope my dreams are sweet tonite. and will these spirit in me continue to flourish throughout my life. keep me going for as long as i can live.


all in all, no matter what i do, i aspire to bring happiness to people around me. i love to see that people feel happy becos i am around, and not sad and gloomy, or pressurised as a result of my presence. i aspire to contribute to this world, to bring positive spirit and life, to this world around me.

why not, look forward?

back after an extended shower.

thought it through.

it shud end here now.

the only way is to look forward and not behind.
i need to accept myself. for who i am. even though this means accepting a self i dont like. in order to change it, i need to live with it first. and then work out how to change.

university is not for me. 3 years. i proved my point.
working hard is not the best thing.
my best is when i dont work so hard.
i guess i was stupid to work so hard, and gain nothing but a pathetic borderline.
i guess 3 years was enough, to make me see it through. i need to really really really KNOW and LOVE and have a passion and a TALENT (even if this means a little little tiny bit of advantage) in a subject in order to excel.

3 years down the road.
it's time to change.

i make a promise to myself.
i will not let the next year go into the bin.

a desensitised embodiment of failure.

the whole day i have been thinking
thinking
thinking

all i know to do is think.
but what IS the point? thinking doesn't make you smart, doesn't solve problem, doesn't make you successful.
this is MY problem.

i only know how to think.

who can i blame?
no one.

what else do i know how to do? i am good at desensitizing myself.
seldom do i reveal
seldom do i express
i am a desensitized embodiment.


i hate myself.
for being so normal.
for being so average.
for being so general.

for the whole day today.
i cant stop hating myself when being left alone.
for the 1st time, i feel lonely.
lonely becos i cant come to terms with myself.
i really do not know what to do.
so lost, so sad, so depressed.


i have lost myself.

i know when i wake up tmr
everything will be alright
but i know that
this does not mean that the problem has ended, it has merely found a place behind my brain cells
a place where i do not yet need to access
until i meet another failure.

i failed myself
for being so inefficient

i failed myself
for being of no use and no good

i failed myself
for not being able to do anything about myself

i failed myself
for not knowing myself enough

i do not even know who i am.
i do not know my true feelings, my true ability, my true self

who am i?

i do not know.

i will keep thinking. until i fall asleep. if, i ever will.

反思： 反覆思考， 反轉思路。

儉討吧你！
說話可不可以過濾干淨一點啊

天真
太天真

傷人
天真只有傷人
儉討吧你

邈視自己
如此的不懂情理
爛透了

此刻好想賜一巴掌
給愚蠢不成熟的自己
都已經年過二十一
行為卻如十八一般

可
這一巴掌
打得值得嗎？
打了
就會讓我瞬間成長？
並不會的
問題的根 更深更遠

唉
這個時候不是談論這些的時候….


﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣

我的內心
疑惑著
煩惱著
厭惡著
我自己

不滿
就是改變的開始吧
不是不愛自己 只是
愛不下如此不成熟 不醒目 不精 不足以讓我全心全意去愛的一個自己

也許 我應該把愛轉移了吧

博愛

好想 把愛 傳遞給更多更遠的大家
但在這一切之前
我需要一些時間消化掉這些負面的情緒
然後任清自己的能耐
從遠處眺望自己的一切可能
不會容易
但我真的很想 供應我小小的生命 為人纇存在的意義做一些什麼

時間不多
必須不斷增進自己的修養

青山多著呢
我卻才開始開發
燒柴的日子還遠
但我有毅力往前走