sick and all that's nasty

what a way to end my end of term classes.

***

been lying there on that bed. a bed on which one could been the springy-ness of the spring and how it contacts with your flesh and bones. and i have been with it for a good 24 hrs and somemore on the following day, no longer bothered to count. 

it wasnt at all pleasant being sick (duh). but the fact that i am not in a pleasant environment made me sicker - perhaps mentally. actually, i didnt even mind that shitty wet weather (besides the wind which i just cannot tolerate at all). wat i do mind is the condition of my flat my room and the shared kitchen. i guess i really had enough. i really cant wait to move out. 

i guess there is no one reason as to why i want to move out asap. just dat when the idea struck me, all my thoughts will be magnetised and they will all be labelled as 'supporting homemoving movement'. that's how my brain works. and i guess this has caused be trouble too. 

i began to realise a lot of issues abt myself, as i try to fall asleep in my bed with my influenza ( i assume this one is one) and thinking about my future my career etc. i realised that when i want something, i can find like a thousand of excuses to guide me into rationalising that thought or that choice, and i feel it's the same for choosing dance. not dat i do not enjoy dancing at this very moment (ok, not now because i am still sick and weak), i really do. it's very challenging, physically and mentally, i have to make a lot of immediate and spontaneous reactions to a lot of stimuli that is happening around me, hence dancers are often said that they develop better proprioreceptors. 

i concluded one day while i was showering, that my sickness is a sign of my proprioreceptors are indeed becoming more and more sensitive.... (wondering if this statement makes any sense at all)

***

while i m sick in bed, my brain still can stop moving. i have been thinking of what's next? and all these questions. 

do i continue to venture in the dance circle? or do i move away (again) into something else. i must have a stand at some point of my life right?!!!! 

i've been thinking of nutrition for a while (perhaps even more as i m sick). i looked up on possibilities of jobs. but all or mostly requires some sort of qualification to do with nutrition (DUH, otherwise i shud be worried). 

soo, if i really do want A JOB after i finish this course.... A) do smth related to psychology; B) do smth that a psy degree will allow me to get pass the requirement; C) do smth related to dance; D)do smth related to dance and psychology.

i dun feel like studying more mainly because i feel i have burdened my parents too much with my expenditure with tuition fees and daily spendings. I shud need to start earning my own money and learning how to earn money, and how to operate in the 'social university'. "It's tougher," that's what everyone says.

***

perhaps it's still going to be a loooong journey towards finding that path. or perhaps that path is not as straightforward i have always assumed it to be. the funny thing is, i never like to do straighforwards things anyway. i guess my thoughts arent straightforwards to begin with. 

it started from a young age.... my primary teacher told me that i think too much when answering the exam sometimes. that's y i get things wrong. the thing with 鑽牛角尖 has stuck with me. FOR LIFE NOW. but i will still continue to think. even it can get me nowhere most of the time. whaha. 

i just got distracted into looking at chinese herbalist homeopathy etc.  

anyway. a long way to go. but i will enjoy my present. and better get this fluflu away asap! 

menu tonight: PROTEIN, sweetpotato rice and vege. :)

frustrations kicking in...

you know what. maybe... i dont really love dancing that much. maybe i just want to get away from  somethings. i dont know anymore.

i hate to talk about this. but i really do not want to go back. i think i want to stay here more than being in malaysia. being a foreigner feels safer, because i have the advantage of being strange. people will understand, becos i am a foreigner. i dont know what i am doing becos i am a foreigner. maybe that's why, it's difficult for me to KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. i have to confess, that most of the time, i really do not know what i am doing. I am doing it, becos i was told to, or becos everyone else is doing it, or becos i just somehow find myself being led to doing it, by emotions/impulse or watever.

so pls dun force me. i might not be the best daughter in the world. but sorry. not now. i tot i could get away from familiar grounds. but in fact, the familiarity that existed ytd had transformed into a foreign object for me. i do not know what is left there anymore. there's only memories. i swear. so what is the point? i want to establish a new self. i dont hv a self. honestly. i am ALWAYS LOST. 

i just keep going and ppl say you are always rushing. in a hurry. yes, to move on. but then, after that, so wat? 

i dunno.

i just did it. cos it was what that is meant to happen, at that moment. as for the future, i do not know. but i shud think abt it. and i hv been doing it, for a few days now.

but in vain. it remains a big question mark.

***

some neuroscientific stuff abt proprioreceptors caught my attention. mind-body connection etc. these has often been my passion. 

so the question is, how do i pursue this further. 

i need a career's advisor. i need a job 1st. 

***

probably, in life, to reach a goal, if u hv one, is not the easiest thing to do. or, put it this way, in order to achieve the goal, u need to pass through many things, things that you like, or dont like. but in order to achieve that final state of being that is ideal for you, you might hv to deal with stuff that you do not like doing. and u hv to face it. 

perhaps, that is what i am experiencing right now. i dont like, being told wat to do, or wat i should do. i dun like that burden. but i noe, i shud pay attention more to what is going on (out there or somewhere) and be less self-centred. i m self-centred. it's bad. but that's how i feel good also. but then, i wont achieve anything that is beneficial to the world.

oh rmb how i said i like to "save the world and make the world a better place by being 'eco'?" i totally forgot abt that. 

u see, there r so many tiny things that interest me, but i do not know how to organise them, into some sort of career path. 

can i just do loads of part time jobs?? 

like involve in eco groups; like joining a dance company or choreograph time to time; like study part time abt meridien and chinese medicine; practise yoga and pilates; involve in researching abt mind-body connection through some form that i do not yet know... and so on. 

it's all part of, what i feel like doing. in the future.

but it seems like, there is also another possibility - sitting in the office and go over papers and go to meetings after meetings.

the minute i imagine it, i feel like crying.

i noe i m selfish. but i m really sorry. i cant do it. 

haih. i shud hv just ignored everything and become an organic farmer for the rest of my life. at the age of 21, i am already thinking of 隱居。how sad/nice is dat?

we'll see. --> that's waht i always say. but in the end, who sees? you! u hv to decide, no one else can!!

till then, i will see wat happens tmr. see, i did it again. :/

just a few minutes to throw my thoughts out there

ok. i have totally no me time. no time to reflect on myself, no time to personalised information that i hv been given, hence in fear that they will disappear.

even if my room looks totally like a war zone, i am just gonna jot down my thoughts for the day or the days that has passed since mid term.

i learn the need to... keep on. to keep moving. to not stop and keep going, as if you know what is coming, and you should. the key is think ahead.

i learnt the need to.. take risk. to move beyond the safe zone that i always always keep myself too. and often way too much. it's not exactly healthy, in terms of progression in technique or personal development in getting to the next level. it also means, to fall and to not be afraid of falling. but falling because u took ur limits to the extreme. to take risk and to know your limits, or to challenge your limits, is essentially to protect yourself. i would want to think that in a context outside dance. and this is really useful.

***

my self-reflection time ends here. while i finish drying my hair and fall asleep in my own war with my comfort/war zone.

p.s. perhaps dats y i need to live in a war zone. whaha.