frustrations kicking in...

you know what. maybe... i dont really love dancing that much. maybe i just want to get away from  somethings. i dont know anymore.

i hate to talk about this. but i really do not want to go back. i think i want to stay here more than being in malaysia. being a foreigner feels safer, because i have the advantage of being strange. people will understand, becos i am a foreigner. i dont know what i am doing becos i am a foreigner. maybe that's why, it's difficult for me to KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. i have to confess, that most of the time, i really do not know what i am doing. I am doing it, becos i was told to, or becos everyone else is doing it, or becos i just somehow find myself being led to doing it, by emotions/impulse or watever.

so pls dun force me. i might not be the best daughter in the world. but sorry. not now. i tot i could get away from familiar grounds. but in fact, the familiarity that existed ytd had transformed into a foreign object for me. i do not know what is left there anymore. there's only memories. i swear. so what is the point? i want to establish a new self. i dont hv a self. honestly. i am ALWAYS LOST. 

i just keep going and ppl say you are always rushing. in a hurry. yes, to move on. but then, after that, so wat? 

i dunno.

i just did it. cos it was what that is meant to happen, at that moment. as for the future, i do not know. but i shud think abt it. and i hv been doing it, for a few days now.

but in vain. it remains a big question mark.

***

some neuroscientific stuff abt proprioreceptors caught my attention. mind-body connection etc. these has often been my passion. 

so the question is, how do i pursue this further. 

i need a career's advisor. i need a job 1st. 

***

probably, in life, to reach a goal, if u hv one, is not the easiest thing to do. or, put it this way, in order to achieve the goal, u need to pass through many things, things that you like, or dont like. but in order to achieve that final state of being that is ideal for you, you might hv to deal with stuff that you do not like doing. and u hv to face it. 

perhaps, that is what i am experiencing right now. i dont like, being told wat to do, or wat i should do. i dun like that burden. but i noe, i shud pay attention more to what is going on (out there or somewhere) and be less self-centred. i m self-centred. it's bad. but that's how i feel good also. but then, i wont achieve anything that is beneficial to the world.

oh rmb how i said i like to "save the world and make the world a better place by being 'eco'?" i totally forgot abt that. 

u see, there r so many tiny things that interest me, but i do not know how to organise them, into some sort of career path. 

can i just do loads of part time jobs?? 

like involve in eco groups; like joining a dance company or choreograph time to time; like study part time abt meridien and chinese medicine; practise yoga and pilates; involve in researching abt mind-body connection through some form that i do not yet know... and so on. 

it's all part of, what i feel like doing. in the future.

but it seems like, there is also another possibility - sitting in the office and go over papers and go to meetings after meetings.

the minute i imagine it, i feel like crying.

i noe i m selfish. but i m really sorry. i cant do it. 

haih. i shud hv just ignored everything and become an organic farmer for the rest of my life. at the age of 21, i am already thinking of 隱居。how sad/nice is dat?

we'll see. --> that's waht i always say. but in the end, who sees? you! u hv to decide, no one else can!!

till then, i will see wat happens tmr. see, i did it again. :/