sick and all that's nasty

what a way to end my end of term classes.

***

been lying there on that bed. a bed on which one could been the springy-ness of the spring and how it contacts with your flesh and bones. and i have been with it for a good 24 hrs and somemore on the following day, no longer bothered to count. 

it wasnt at all pleasant being sick (duh). but the fact that i am not in a pleasant environment made me sicker - perhaps mentally. actually, i didnt even mind that shitty wet weather (besides the wind which i just cannot tolerate at all). wat i do mind is the condition of my flat my room and the shared kitchen. i guess i really had enough. i really cant wait to move out. 

i guess there is no one reason as to why i want to move out asap. just dat when the idea struck me, all my thoughts will be magnetised and they will all be labelled as 'supporting homemoving movement'. that's how my brain works. and i guess this has caused be trouble too. 

i began to realise a lot of issues abt myself, as i try to fall asleep in my bed with my influenza ( i assume this one is one) and thinking about my future my career etc. i realised that when i want something, i can find like a thousand of excuses to guide me into rationalising that thought or that choice, and i feel it's the same for choosing dance. not dat i do not enjoy dancing at this very moment (ok, not now because i am still sick and weak), i really do. it's very challenging, physically and mentally, i have to make a lot of immediate and spontaneous reactions to a lot of stimuli that is happening around me, hence dancers are often said that they develop better proprioreceptors. 

i concluded one day while i was showering, that my sickness is a sign of my proprioreceptors are indeed becoming more and more sensitive.... (wondering if this statement makes any sense at all)

***

while i m sick in bed, my brain still can stop moving. i have been thinking of what's next? and all these questions. 

do i continue to venture in the dance circle? or do i move away (again) into something else. i must have a stand at some point of my life right?!!!! 

i've been thinking of nutrition for a while (perhaps even more as i m sick). i looked up on possibilities of jobs. but all or mostly requires some sort of qualification to do with nutrition (DUH, otherwise i shud be worried). 

soo, if i really do want A JOB after i finish this course.... A) do smth related to psychology; B) do smth that a psy degree will allow me to get pass the requirement; C) do smth related to dance; D)do smth related to dance and psychology.

i dun feel like studying more mainly because i feel i have burdened my parents too much with my expenditure with tuition fees and daily spendings. I shud need to start earning my own money and learning how to earn money, and how to operate in the 'social university'. "It's tougher," that's what everyone says.

***

perhaps it's still going to be a loooong journey towards finding that path. or perhaps that path is not as straightforward i have always assumed it to be. the funny thing is, i never like to do straighforwards things anyway. i guess my thoughts arent straightforwards to begin with. 

it started from a young age.... my primary teacher told me that i think too much when answering the exam sometimes. that's y i get things wrong. the thing with 鑽牛角尖 has stuck with me. FOR LIFE NOW. but i will still continue to think. even it can get me nowhere most of the time. whaha. 

i just got distracted into looking at chinese herbalist homeopathy etc.  

anyway. a long way to go. but i will enjoy my present. and better get this fluflu away asap! 

menu tonight: PROTEIN, sweetpotato rice and vege. :)