my new site.

i now share my thoughts at this site: http://web.mac.com/sheandaan

please come visit at your own leisure. :DD

野薔薇 – 觀後感

回到我的小電腦面前，我的感動卻沒有減退。真不知道甚麼時候開始變得眼淺。

小小的她，洋溢著滿滿的愛與幸福，在台上努力唱著跳著，我的心接收到那些滿滿的用心。所謂偶像，對我而言，也許就是那夢境中的自己吧。也許某部份的我，想要成為就是那樣的女生的她，所以很容易把她的歌聽進心坎裡，融合成為我生命的一部份。

凋零 含苞 綻放

我承認我不能理性地去分享關於這場演唱會的褒貶，因為我抱持感性的心境去體驗，當然也因為我沒有這方面的過人知識。簡單來說，技術可能不是最好的，但是我會高聲喊值回票價，因為我帶了很多的美麗心情回來，我失散的好能量好靈感也隨著演唱會的結束不斷在我的靈魂裡頭堆疊起來。

視聽藝術，凡能讓我的心揪一下，像鉤子那樣挑撥出毛球，讓我思緒反覆回想回享，對我而言就是值得收藏的記憶，不管那收藏的形式是甚麼。說起來，這是我在台北看的第一場演唱會，也有可能是唯一的一場。震撼我的不是藝術者所展示出來的閃亮武器，不是背後付出的多大努力，而是更加心靈層面的東西。沒有預料是那樣的，但是想起來，她的多首創作，甚至是她這個人，確實打開了我生命中很多的可能性。就是，若少了這麼一位藝術工作者，至少在我的立場看來，我的生命確實會少了點甚麼。就像她說的，那些歌都是她宣洩的管道，而很多人也從這中間找到屬於自己的共鳴，得到情緒上的釋放。

更開心的是，感動的不是我一個人而已，即使層面不一樣，程度大不同。

做我旁邊的母親不只一次地稱讚著她的美，我知道那不單指外貌。

“像梅艷芳。”

是的。我媽說得還真對。是有那種韻味，那種神情，就是更多了小女人，更多了點任性，更多了點可愛。

能夠見證戴佩妮下半輩子的第一場演唱會，我是受到祝福的，而某程度上，我也感同身受地，慶祝著我的另一個開始。不是說說的，2009年11月21日，我的生命有了一個角度上的起伏轉變，不能預測未來的方位，可是相信那是往信念、勇氣與執著繼續努力的一條任性卻是我嚮往的道路。

好玩的意境

我的人生 像是在追求一種叫做意境的東西一樣

對人事物產生感覺了之後

就是離開的時候

那個點就是要夠準

嗆到淚水的話 除非是暴走

就那次以後 我慢慢學會留住那麼一點點的空間

留給遺憾 失望 離別 哀愁

當它們無處可走 寂寞需要放假的時候

我這裡就有地方可以收容它們

而我 會趁機 也讓自己流浪去

流浪本來不是我愛的事

但隨著不得已的人生規劃

我就這樣流浪外頭很多年了

說起來 現在要我定居 我可能還會不習慣

而事實上 我更加習慣成為塵世中的陌生人了

因為我漸漸發現那樣比較好玩

真的就是因為還沒有長大

所以喜歡一直當個外人 那種你不知道怎麼做也沒關係因為你是外地來的那種外人

這感覺其實很棒 可以融入但又可以抽離的矛盾狀態 這時候可以並存於一體了 真的好棒

就像全世界都覺得我很適合駕駛四輪驅動旅車

而我內心一直嚮往環保跑車的道理是同樣的

矛盾在我的世界可以並存 而且我很高興可以這樣

像是無意識 無狀態地說明了我的性格一樣

摸不清底 這件事 是真的好玩

今晚

我看來是愛上了 好玩 這兩個字了

繼續進行吧

那陽明山上的霧

撲朔迷離 傻傻分不清楚

這下子 我沒有離題了吧

真夠好玩的

我對食物鍾愛的程度 不是凡人可以理解的

那天看了康熙來了 有個胖胖的名人說是冰箱要滿滿的才有安全感

看來我還挺像他的

吃這件事情 像是對我很重要一樣

該不會是還沒脫離口腔期吧

所以啊 說到減肥

還是找別的方法好了

就醬說服自己繼續貪吃下去

人生多好玩啊

所以說 我為甚麼那麼喜歡黑夜啊

懶得長大了

我內心所認定的大人世界太多阿諛逢迎

想到那一些 我都累了

我只想要用我的方式去面對這個世界

很討厭去想那些我認為無謂的事

恕我任性好了

自由 我想要得太迫切的東西

總讓我太沈淪的原因

何時得以遠走

環遊沒有預警的未來

收集讓我開心的片段

我的心態還是如此幼稚不可理喻

如同欲騎重機奔騰在無盡的夜

讓心事跟著街燈與冷風劃過我的臉龐

消逝在星空之中

被霧氣消化掉

然後熊抱著黑夜 投入一場可歌可泣的藝術電影

幻想著自己的世界可以有怎樣的改變

心裡卻明白醒過來的早上依然要面對很多不能改變的

但至少迷濛的黑夜縱容我發夢

這樣的渾噩 也許足夠形成微妙的變遷吧

努力生活著

也許我這種年紀 是不應該無所事事的 但是 我會告訴自己 現在的我在努力生活著

生活的根本是甚麼呢

工作 就是生活嗎

老實說 我只想體會生命中的一切 去追求我所喜歡的一切

我處於一種放長假的狀態 而往後的日子 有人告訴我 我會變得很忙

真實與否 還不能考究 可是我只知道 每一天的存在 是有其意義的

每一首我聽了會心動 會淌淚的歌 不是沒有原因的

每一瞬間 不是偶然的 縱使我們感覺那些微不足道的 都沒有力量可言

宇宙的力量 不是我們人類能夠完整體會的

所以我常想說

我們都該真心去體會這一刻

這一刻 只有這一刻才能有所謂的永恆

如果世間太多的不幸讓你覺得自己太幸福

那 就撥送你的幸福吧

分享你的喜樂只會讓你更快活

I like to think that....

I like to think that, I am giving inspiration of some form to some people.

I like to think that when I write I have took time to organise myself and to heal myself.

I like to think that, I have effectively used writing to express what I cannot express with my poor verbal communication skills.

I like to think that, my writing is classified as an art form, such that interpretation is open, and that it is beyond the superficial meaning of words itself. My words do not necessarily have to mean what they should mean, but should mean what they ought to mean to you.

信念的力量

世界上 有太多太多的美好 值得我們細細品嚐 鞠躬敬仰 反覆感受 誠心相信 屏息期待 努力執行

剛剛看過了 李安導演的特輯 心中有一種感動 讓我沈淪

彷彿我又回到那個《色‧戒》的晚上

眼淚也盈了眼眶

現在的我 願意花時間去慢慢的咀嚼這些人的用心 因為我知道他們的態度是值得被尊敬的

或許我真是個隱性的被虐狂

任由我的感受跟著走 然後任由記憶蹂躪著我的心情 可是對我來說 卻像是上課學習一樣

我學到的 遠比填鴨式的該死基本教育來得深遠 打入心坎

人類死背（也許侷限於華人傳統教學）的教學文化 完完全全忽略了我們是有感情的動物

光靠腦 不靠心 有用嗎？真的學到東西了嗎？

不怪誰

只是隨地撒了一盆狗血而已

總之 我是不會放棄對於社會的一些憧憬的

對於人類所能創造出來的美

我從來不懷疑

倒是想參與一腳

當個小咖也不賴

當個受益的觀想者也很有趣

只要我還相信

信念

這種神呼奇蹟的能量

是多麼地舒坦啊

就像是氧氣那樣

深一深呼吸

就充滿元氣與原動力

像是真的能夠改變世界一樣

握緊信念

我們繼續

笑 努力 向前跑

人的奮鬥精神

連我們心中的神

也會感動的

你 會一個人去看電影嗎？

你 會一個人去看電影嗎？

若說音樂給我的那種心靈撼動是無從理性分析的話，那對電影這回事，我亦同樣把持著一股衝動，感覺對了，就真的出發去電影院了。

***

我了解我的寫作方式，在脫離所謂學術包袱的情況下，總是沒有主題可言。開段的語詞輕重無法讓讀者，甚至是作者本身去估計、去預測該段落所要表達的內容與情感。你大可以說這是掩飾事與情的真與實，但我的世界裡，就是那樣的雜亂無章，如此的不按牌理出牌。就像我想要一個人看一場電影，那種想要孤立的心態一樣，是徘徊在隨性與任性之間的一種行為上的表現。而這中間的拿捏，就是最美的人生哲理，是屬於公主與王子世界裡才需要拿出來表揚的美。不甜不咸不膩不辣不酸不苦。剛剛好的理想國度，並非我的盤中餐。重蹈著完美並不屬於我偏愛的美，一切到最後將會淪落至乏味之境地。就此可解說了，鍾愛層次與變換，凌亂與工整，偏激與平淡，不僅僅屬於隨性/任性的生活方式，而是創造故事的柴米油鹽醋，其多寡則是個人風格的重要表象。

至少現在的我，依舊可以想著這一些事。

生是一回事，活著又是另外一件事了。沒事是沈澱的形式，煩事是長智的模式，瑣事是磨練耐性的程式。事事皆有其因與果，芝麻小事也請正視其存在意義啊。人生，靠自己活出來。對自身有利的心態與思考模式，沒有規矩可設定，沒有範圍可參考。終歸一個字，以“樂”為本。

怎樣？要不看個電影去？

2012: a future that will come anyhow so why not just face it

my subtitle is, a discussion over it's symptoms (and like all diseases, symptoms will only become more apparent, no longer subliminal, undercurrent. Immediate treatment is needed for optimal recovery, or outcome, if no recovery can be achieved, in the special case of the 2012 scenario)

it's like the ultimate thing my mum is bragging about for the whole week.

but it's not nonsense, not all at least. facts do not lie, well, as things that really is happening do not make themselves up, randomly, just for the fun of it, just so that this sick sad world gets a little more interesting, other than mere discussions of economic downturn blas.

Beijing's sky decides to snow two month's earlier, and poor Americans having to face winter much earlier this year, and if YangMingShan's volcano decides to wake up from it's hibernating state, what will become of this city of Taipei? Sitting comfortably on a coach, high up a flat property, not far away from this beautiful national park, I picture myself as a victim of 'Dante's Peak'. Extreme, yes, but what the world is right now, if it isn't extreme already?

If '2012' is really to come and the world is to go through a huge change, let it come then. We human will stand as one, hopefully we will, by then.

I often tear, silently, when I think about that fact that I could still sit here and snack on my nuts and raisins, while people in Manila are suffering from outbreaks of diseases and having no place to call home, nevermind about being fed. I feel bad and couldn't quite figure out why they are so unfortunate. I am just so lucky and blessed. If you believe in incarnation, I must have done so much good deed in my past life in order for me to lead such a life in present time.

Imagine those people in regions affected by extreme pollution, I mean, what is the meaning of living and continuing, when you know you will die in a somewhat tragic manner since you are in fact out of control of your own reason of death, in most cases?

Sad isn't it? but I am no way pessimistic about the world yet.

I do strongly (hopefully this wont change when I find out worse things about the world) believe that crisis is when we see hope in a brighter light. 危機乃轉機。I guess that is what makes us human, our will is just so strong that we will never give up hope.

So many many years ago, I remember watching 'Butterfly Effect', and it remains one of my favourite movies. I learnt about its meaning and accept its power to change. Small changes are all we need, because every little step we take can bring upon a series of chain effects that will eventually give birth to a drastic change to the predicted future. So that is why we always say, our future is in our hands. Yes, of course it is, it always is, and it still is.

The lack of English books in Taiwan did not allow me to indulge in readings that I should be doing. I would like to get hold of Alain de Botton's books, as well as the original aka. non-translated version of Blessed Unrest. I stupidly ordered the Evolution's Edge, a book that got me all interested again about that long forgotten (due to lack of recall cues) System Theories, and my crazy attempt to talk about Holistic blas in my pseudo-thesis. Let's see if it will arrive on time, before I leave in a fortnight.

Enough said for this night. Hearing to news (from mum) about how severe H1N1 has become, it just gives me more reason to believe that being a raw foodist could be the best shield I have yet.

Signing off now, with symptoms of backache due to oversitting/lack of physical movement which sucks as it's 1.18am which means bed time and more lack of movement even if it means for an optimal resting phase in one's day-to-day life cycle. period.

.

if my life is without music, without movies, without books, without internet, without cameras, without sunshine, without good food, and all else that are necessary to live, who would i be?

有福報的人，因而更要懂得惜福。滿足我身為人類的慾望的同時，我亦要去慢慢咀嚼消化，那些我認為能夠回饋社會的途徑。我將逐個探索，用我有限的時間，去愛惜這個地球，有生命的，沒有生命的。如果我的人生是如此的無從限制，我想我真的有義務去做這一些。我的人生功課，由我自己決定。

Goal: 350 or less.

according to statistics, people in Taipei are using too much water.

I am now watching a television programme about how to save water to assist the act to save us from the consequences of climate changes. All those scary pictures of the sea-level rising and rivers drying, even the great Amazon has become this pathetic little river at your backyard!

How about Maldives? A century or less to go, and adios to this island.

Koalas in Queensland are dying to drink water. Wait a minute, koalas need to drink? Hello? Yes, they do now. Thanks to bush fires, courtesy of climate change, Eucalyptus are losing their water content, dehydrated. They had to fight with dogs (to drink) to save themselves from dehydration and from death, eventually.

Typhoons are still on their way here, and it's staying longer and routes are crazier this year round.

Very soon, something will happen at your door step. Everyone has to take action, spread the word, whatever it is that you should do, just do it.

If you have not heard about 350, you really should check it out.

and December 7th? Someone's birthday? nope. probably more important than ever. It's about our future.

as for myself, it's time I slowly get myself into a position that I can enthusiastically unravel a future that will be better for us all. Even if this means interneting all day. Sometimes, I really thank the invention of this. Otherwise, how can we spread these messages so quickly.

We are not doomed yet, not if we make the right choices from this second onwards. :DD

A Doorbell

after that, I wonder what do I still care about.

Nevermind discussions of justice, of freedom, of humanity, of anything. When a genuine person, a person that has nothing against this world, has all else against him/her, do we still need to speak about principles and philosophies?

When one is fated to trip and fall, again and again, could one still not ask why to god? 'why me?' but would asking bring one the answer, or would it be better off if one just accept it as god's decision to free you and to love you more?

after that, I wonder what do I still care about.

It must be a great sign. A sign that could bring me to tears and make me cry for days and nights, mourning over those lost that all seem too surreal, too dramatised, too real to be so near and true.

It must have been all so stupid to cry all over a pillow for thoughts that are made-up and unnecessarily true. I would rather cry for a spirit of love that never asks for return, that continuously gives, that shines like the morning sun.

If love could heal you, please, continue to seek love wherever you can, and I shall pray for you.

so after that, I thank you, just the way you thank all the series of unfortunate events. Anything that happen to us, is just an event that has occur on us. The value of it being good or bad, is compared to a 'beneficial ratio' that is measured using 'us' as a mean ratio. The result, both good and bad, is magnified. We go all depressed and end our own lives, or we go all hype and happy and gay. Extremes it might seem, but life is about how we deal with dramas.

and after that, I learn to love even more.

Safe it is up here, there's no need to worry, there is no need to keep all the love to oneself. When there is no love, give love. It is so powerful that by healing others, it is perhaps how you can heal yourself too. Taking too much and you forget to let go, but by giving, there is no limits. I wish to live up to it, to love with a pure heart.

after that, I seriously have so much to think about. but I thank you.

no more what ifs.

what if Maldives becomes the next wonder of the world - a country under the sea?

what if one day another crazy typhoon comes hysterically out of no where, spilling out non-stop rainfalls and destroying homes with fierce waves?

who knows when will those tragedies on tv come to meet us?

what if we ran out of clean water someday? or just think about the fact the 'a child died every 8 seconds due to water contamination'?

hows that?

***

well maybe, it's not too bad if everyone continues to cut out carbon emission like how we did in year 2009 so far. thanks to GLOBAL RECESSION and CHINA, heavy industries have to close down and China did their part to cut down industries that produces the most polluted greenhouse gas.

but that is not enough.

we must all continues to do more for ourselves and for others.

I think the recent Poetic Social Mission is amazing. I just found out about them, so yet to check them out. Maybe you guys can check it out first. One drop foundation has their own website of course, but it seems like they are not publicising this event too much in the mainstream media, or maybe not so much in Asian part of the world. Anyway i think I learnt a bit more about how our world is in deep deep crisis after watching some news special by Sisy Chen 陳文茜.

While we are still sitting comfortably in our coaches, it's time to act right and right now.

tatami bed

i woke up from my afternoon nap, which never happens to me when i am in my busy uni days. maybe its the malaysian weather. you just need it to rejuvenate, especially when you do not on the aircond. i should try to do so starting from today since i dont really need it.

waking up from this nap, a thought came across my mind. if we were to build a new house, i would prefer somekind of tatami bed. surely, it's going to be some kind of eco-house, solar-powered, since malaysia totally blessed with sunshine all year round! we have good natural resources but we never learn to use them, what a shame.

so yes, it must the sweaty nap i had. and i m now dreaming about sleeping on tatami-ed floorings, some sort of bed that is so coolin that hopefully i wont need an aircond. anymore when i sleep.

cross fingers for that.

Blog Action Day

Climate Change.

to rethink what we do (as in every single step we take, in the house/outside the house, everywhere).

rethink, with clear conscience, and a critical mind.

perhaps till today, no one could say for sure what actions will definitely stop how our Earth from continuing to act dramatically, but with baby little steps, one at a time, we can do a lot to save everything we care for.

***

recently

she eats raw

been doing that for days now

she felt fine

didnt needed cooked meat and warm chinese food to satisfy her naughty tastebuds

didnt need cakes that are baked at 175 celcius

didnt needed roasted coffees

big change

and she will continue to do so

she bought those cute little onya bags

the shopkeeper told her it could hold some 2 bottles of 2-pint-milk

but not that she drinks milk

she loves how she could put her groceries in it and carry them ever so easily

she wishes she could get some in Malaysia and give them to her friends

she bought an eco charger for her dad

hoping it would come in handy

but wonders about its usability

she reads the Ecologists

too bad it's gone fully online now

but it's better for the earth anyhow

her bookmark bars are filled with eco sites

like her favourite inhabitat

and she is in love with organic tees too

she is now a fan of eco fashion

she doesnt yet drive

but she probably will have to in the future

but she hopes to drive some hybrid/eco car instead of her dad's old car

she's still jobless though

looking for a job somewhere

where she can offer her enthusiasm for everything eco/organic

for the better of the earth and its inhabitants

we are all one in this

and we shall always be

受夠了

我乃胸無大志之徒也～～～

有時候真的想不通為甚麼自己可以如此放蕩

還是那個英國的我比較長進

是的 我已決定返回英國 同那些可惡的recession/redundancies拼到底！！

無業遊民的日子 恐怕還要過一陣子

台灣之行﹦一個月

then 回馬學車？（也許）

and then 英國我回來了！！！

此地真的不夷久留啊～

好不容易寫出白話文的post

也許我的腦袋真的開始癡呆了

ohno

read with caution (mind the (sometimes invisible) brackets please).

i always come back from a dinner with her, feeling fresh and inspired. I know I am at a crossroad here, and i do think that i am beginning to make sense of that fog in front me, slowly but progressively. I think I can't wait till I hear her mother speaking @ Crown Hall this coming Sunday. It's going to be such a blessing for the people who come, to receive her mother's teachings. I swear I'd never stop learning about these things. Things that will eventually, be the grip that hold the human race and Mother Earth together, as one. (side-tracking case 1: the other thing that she probably would not mention, is the idea of physical touch *quotes pilates teacher @ Laban*).

My beliefs have always been with me. In an ideal world, they contribute by consciously making their appearance when choices are needed to be made. Yet sometimes, it is more often the case that a(n) (un)knowned force would drag me down that evil track, drugging down my beliefs, making them weak, and in the worst case scenario, would lead to an ultimate addiction and dependency towards IT. It, the very it we are speaking of here, is no other than the power of BIG, the power of POWER (shit i side-tracked again~!)

Ok, I must say that in the real world, in Darwin's world, 'power' has never failed to make itself important. With hierarchy, there comes power. okok, I have no silly intention to draw anyone into a series of discussion regarding 'power', and no i know nothing about it. Perhaps I just feel, and i like feeling about things more than about anything.

Maybe

that is why, I write badly.

My comments are mainly: wordy, wordy, wordy.

It is both good and bad to leave the academic world (forever or for a while, who knows).

Structuring an essay takes time, but it's better for communication purposes.

and

it's good in preventing side-tracking too. (KEHEM)

ANYWAY where were we.................

right. my beliefs and the power of media giants.

ok bad influences from advertising and those dramatic moments that will never happen to us.

I definitely, stand up for my beliefs, more than ever before, right this moment (as who knows what will i be thinking when i wake up tmr morning?). My intuitive attitude of following my feelings (yes, i must totally express my gratitude towards my parents, and the past-life-self that did wonders in order for me to have such freedom this day to do what I want to do) is telling me something important. I must obey my thoughts (and must not sidetrack when distractions come forth, as distractions are meant to be there, just because it is in their nature to distract you DUUH). I know I could learn more, if I choose to go this way.

It is not yet the time to give. I must admit that in the standards of the eastern social norm, I have achieve a point where I have no choice but to get a job asap so i stop spending time and money on things that is not financially beneficial blablabla. but for me, it is not the right time, just yet.

There is suddenly so much to process that I must actually sit down and structure my thoughts and write down to-do list, something I haven't done for a long time now. It seems now there are so many more things that I want to learn about. I dont feel I am tiny maybe because I am genuinely happy about what I am starting to choose to do. It's maybe what one would call passion?

So maybe this is it. or These are them. urgh. (seriously, I is hating, the royal rules of the Grammar.) hmm, dont think i will stop writing in crappy english though, unless one day the Queen decides that it's against the law or something.

that's about all of my inpiring thoughts of the day. too bad if you are finding myself boring and uninteresting (these two words are no way synonyms ok). i hope i will get myself bloggin more now, it's so helpful.

dlrow.

i m not angry

but i cant help but feel frustrated, puzzled and sometimes a bit wretched.

annoyed about the fact that

we r living in an upsidedown world now.

people out there work to earn a living, to pay for rents and debts, bills and taxes.

yet the world of consumer goods could not stop inflating.

and yes the cheapest we shall buy.

but the cheapest often leave us with side-effects to pay later, at a higher price.

we cannot believe now.

the world is full of deception.

not so sure

maybe it's all packaging, advertising and business strategies and tactics

the people want to spend less for the better

the suppliers shall give 'em

and who shall be blame then when it's all too late?

***

still remember that world before time

time before the abuse and misuse of science and technology

we all live peacefully

earth is still our dearest mother

our source of living and life

it's no wonder today she's all angry, all wretched

the irony of the 21st century

we buy

for what our ancestors could have paid nothing to

just to help ourselves have better lives

for our health and for the earth's

we pay for what we have done to the earth

we are paying back

it's sad story

i hope it doesn't continue

so please

end this one circle

it's a vicious one

things could have been better, today.

that long day.

wished it had been better.

those damn egos.....

it is the ultimate damnation of human kind.

so closely integrated, as if defining, that of,

the human heart and spirit.

shan't we shunt it away?

no matter how radical the change might hv to be?

it is for the sake, of earth's peace.

the day could have been better,

if for toleration,

if for giving in,

if for standing back,

if for the decrystalisation of that selfish ego state of mind.

we all,

still need to think again,

of ourselves in the society,

as a member of the family or the greater society.

we shall not think of ourselves as

that self as a centre of earth

nothing should and nothing would

revolve around you and only you

you exist for the sake of others, and for the sake of anyone.

you is not you as a self.

why should anything abt I about you about we involves more than 'is'

and that third person be belittled as that 'is'

all beings, as one or as a group,

has not the (dis)advantage of being different.

all shall be indifferent.

not to condemn relativism

it is the way of life, now

but to hv all these isms to be in balance with each other...

waffled too long down the path

just thought

i need some big big space here

by myself

slowly breaking down the puzzle of egoistic self

even if i is to walk a thousands of less travelled pathways

沒有所謂的道別

自己適合甚麼磁場，其實自己真的最清楚啊

這場頭痛，不是沒有理由的

不是我故意去解釋

確實是這麼一回事

還是趕緊打包打包 收拾收拾 回老家去吧

庫存已經有一定的收獲了

也許是該回饋的時候了

而 當需要再次回來取經的話

相信那時候的自己 也會像現在的自己一樣 知曉時機已到

很開心很快樂 真的有好好享用這一年

用我自己的方式

去學習 去克服

此程確實獲益不淺

既使表演藝術不是我的專才所在

我確切的了解

自己的內在世界裡

曾經是多麼地享受過 即使那已經不是那種 小時候的那種了

從此 就不再舞了嗎？

不可能

這段經驗 反而是日后的標准吧 我想

還記得

N年前的 那首詩嗎？

舞動
極沖動
無法控制的蠢蠢欲動

不動？
生命會抽空 化作黑洞。

五音律動
心跳被牽動
肌膚抽動
隨著音符起伏變動
熱血轟動
熱情晃動
細胞震動
神精狂動
欲罷不能的激動
一切等待全新的開動
肢體纏綿 情愁波動
所燃亮的火花 將開始飄動
帶領我的靈體 從此永不息滅的舞動，著。

是的。

我的驅殼依舊會眷戀舞動的

我的靈魂亦然。

沒有所謂的道別

對我而言

這只是像走路一般

來到了轉彎路口 所以需要左看右看 前望后望

確定一下下交通狀況 然後繼續 走

美麗人生

才將要展開

而這一年來的歷練

只不過點燃了另一盞明燈

好讓前方的路 有了另一種發展上的可能.........

When will the rain go?

papa's been asking. i've been considering. set aside for awhile.  but, perhaps time is up. 

the world is sad enough. once i want to know more about this world, because i always felt ever so naive and ignorant abt the big outside world. but when the papers are filled with negative energy all the time, i dont see the point anymore. 

perhaps we can never totally take away those things, because of the nature of yin and yang, of equilibrium, of physics. but dont you think that the world is beginning to lose its balance? well, erm, this is not quite right. the world is never stable anyway, pluses and minuses all the time, it always struggles to maintain balance, but i felt it struggles a lot more than long long time ago, much much more than that faraway timeline......

i saw a tv prog on the plane, it was a food+interview show by 肥媽。She interviewed 許冠文 in that episode. She asked him, why did you continue to be this 冷面笑匠 until today? He answered, because the world is already so sad, everyone knows it from the media, so there is no point to tell the public again how sad this world is. Since life is so short, why not create more happiness to this world?

It was such a simple theory, yet so wise. 

All wisdom in this world are actually such uncomplicated and unsophisticated, yet we human beings just could not stop confusing ourselves in all possible ways. 

***

All those principles that I cherish sometimes fade away, but I want to regain and retain them now. It's been weeks now that i mature one more year, One more year into adulthood. it's no good when life is without principles and goals, at least i felt it's not good for myself as a person. Reasons for the fadeaways are clear - those counter-principles were beginning to eat me from inside. Yet, this is unavoidable, just like how the world struggles to stabilises itself. I just need to sharpen up that balancing skill. 

Anyway, things are still (yes for the longest time of my life time in fact) going through contemplation. it's like the turn of my life. i dont know when i will find that pathway that is right. well, nothing is right or wrong really. but the right path for me will have to be the path that has a long prospect, and something that i could dedicate my greatest love and my live, just to make other lives more bright and positive. 

Thanks to that tv programme, I think, things are clearer now. Phew, here goes the 1st of grey clouds. i could see clearer now, but not clearly enough yet. 

想太多

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

何不去流浪？

randoms of the mornings

Ma de. Wo zhen de lao le ba. It’s not usually the case that i get jetlag, but for the past two times, i’ve been unable to sleep properly at night and feeling tired at certain hours during the day. It’s terrible, i don’t want that aging feeling. This made me feel that i need to immediately take charge of my body (i.e. what i eat and do etc). Please no jet lag next time round!

***

yesterday morning @ 7/8am-ish….

I woke up to the world, about 22 years ago. Not quite yet.

It was in this country, where birds would start singing their morning songs of ritual and the sky would gradually put on its multicoloured silk clothing, as if the people of the earth are not colourful enough.

Every time I walked through that gate 8, I still could not understand why I never once consciously anticipated that rush of humid air in and around this midst of space. It’s wet, frankly speaking, for a person that has got used to that cold and bitter dry air of that polluted city, where tubes make you dizzy and winds that would slap you from the back of your head and well right on your face. They give you headaches, cold feet and eczema hands. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Yet there is a sense of detached connection about London and me. There are times where you would just live there and, live there. On other occasions, you would hunt down for that timeoutlondon restaurant or linger between those corridors of touristy hang-out spots, still looking out for maps that would possibly tell you how to get to Kensington from Covent Garden, something like that. Whatever. Anyway, there is no doubt that London has become a part of who I am now, a part of my extra body fats too. Those late night hobnobs, custard creams and digestives is beginning to pay their price. That’s ok, it’s a process that everyone needs to go through, perhaps very differently, in life. A process that would inform you, something about yourself, something about your life. I guess that was how boring shit my life was (and perhaps would still be) – there was practically nothing that I could find pleasure out of, except for eating empty calories while youtubing those non-uk entertainment. Ok i don’t feel I would like to continue this conversation of binging further. Just leave it at a side shall we?

It’s now 8am and the sun is feeling quite happy now. It is just quite right. The ground is still quite cool, and the birds are still fishing for their early worms, whispering their joy into the air. The air, yes it is much fresher, much more like how air is meant to be. It’s supposed to be moistly delicate, with hints of aromatic spiciness and chlorophyllous texture. You would always smell warmth, coming from the climate of both equator and culture. There is nothing instinctively cold about this place, not even the taste of the tropical rains……..

(unfinished but not feeling like continuing at this point)

焉知......

塞翁 is off to a change!  

it just needed that trigger ei?   WAHAHAHA.

老實說 妳對待事情 到底有沒有認真過？

***

let's speak. frankly my friend. 

it suddenly struck me that, i nv like to say anything positive abt myself. m i really being humble or is this purely a confidence issue. i do admit i hv a confidence issue. well, i do feel proud abt myself  once in a while. but when there's so many things that i dislike abt myself, how can i progress? 

spending this one year (cross fingers let this not be in vain or my dad will be like....) here at Laban is something almost triggered by spontaneity, of course with some consideration. but the intention was definitely an emotional one to begin with. when there is the time to rest a bit from a more 'oh-so-busy-dancing-days', i just automatically switch into the oh-so-lost mode. it's something positive. it proves i still care a bit about who i am in this world.

things are changing for me. been harder to be myself. that discipline self that i recognise myself as, during those keifam days, those uni days. i was much better (though not greatly disciplined). now i m just this flat person. i dont hv the vocabulary to describe it, but i feel deflated in a way. not that i m exhausted my resources, but i hv lost the ability to retain. 

it's a pity. 

some ideas struck me today though. 

1st it was those words by akram kham. and thoughts from watching xing guang (as like every other friday). 

i was really lucky to be able to meet Mr. Akram Khan in person and to have a workshop with him. His approach to dance is something I appreciate. His ideas are meaningful to me. Anyway not going on with this at the mo. He said, there are people who dance because they like to do it. but there are just people that HAVE TO dance. I could feel how his words were so powerful, alike his dancing. yes. some people just have to dance. but i already know, i am not one of them. it's almost a statement.

watching xing guang (and tv drama) was a ritual, so was hving dinner in front of comp (a habit that i picked up in term 2, sad to say). i suddenly realised (well, it was perhaps at the back of my head somewhere, but today was like revelation in a more conscious way) HOW HARD people work towards their dreams. and here i am. complaining about having obstacles and how difficult things are. well, if there is no such things as barriers and obstacles, then how would you define success? i think i need to consciously make myself aware that, no matter what i choose to do, there will be something that i just need to TAKE TIME and OVERCOME it with patience!  the same applies to that tv show i've been watching. it takes DETERMINATION to be stubborn (in a good way i suppose) about your philosophy, your way of thought, it takes courage and patience. and all that matters. i  just need to take time. 

i have half exhausted my mental power in thinking of WHAT i want, so it's perhaps more direct and better way to find out WHO you are 1st, through my organic/authentic movements. i believe i can see myself with my movements, and i have proven it to be true. 

CLARITY - my internal intentions are often not expressed to the degree that i wanted it to be. i.e. my movements are not clear, in terms of direction. 

maybe that tells something abt my oh-so-lost mood these years/months. 

through the transportation of ideas, ie. the process of communication, the process from internal cognition to external speech, smth is often lost in between. 

consistency. that's what i will need. and commitment. 

i know sometimes i dont physically commit to my movements 100%, at least not all the time. 

this IS  a problem, not only in dancing, but IN REAL LIFE. 

being committed to something means allow it to be CONSISTENT OVER TIME. determination, patience, integrity. 

it feels great to write all these down. and go back to it again. 

***

用心

用真心。

WAKEUPU!!!!!!

OMG SUCH CHILDISH-NESS.  what was that? i could have killed myself. 

this person that only dreams abt f.o.o.d. 

prob she deserves it.  u noe, the dream abt her being stabbed through the head. reminds me of Phineas Gage. 

man i really dont know y i hv such dreams. probably laughed too much. overlaughed. wtv.

###

phhrrrreeerrraaaaaoooooyyyyyyyyiiittttttttt. mmmmmm.

gosh. pure display of yet more childishness. 

just feeling really useless at this point.

and another one.

mum: OHHH u noe u shud take Masters in Psychology.

me: yeaaa.. there's loads of courses out there... loads of master of xxxxx psychology and other related stuff..

mum: u shud print them out and we discuss when u r back k? 

me: errr. PRINT THEM? (y freaking waste paper??) but there's loads~~ i dont know where to look from . there's like hundreds ok....

mum: aiya. narrow them down loo. maybe u only like 10 out of 100. 

me: yeaaa. but shud i just look at london?  ..........  (something along these lines)........

etc la. 

this conversation totally doesnt have to exist. one could clearly tell that my personality or my attitude MY ATTITUDE is killing me. KILLING MEEEEEE. argh. really angry with myself lately.

arghhhh this means bedtime is near sleep now or regret later end of sentence goodbye goodnight

f={ % time/ % myself off this comfy zone, %= spring}

spring is here to stay. it says "First Day of Spring" on the 20th march on my calendar. 

today is St. Patrick's Day, practically, it has no meaning for me, anyway. been bumping around Greenwich Park for the whole afternoon practically. sat for like 3 hours, eating lunch, enjoying the sun etc. but it was a bit too much, i really wanted to leave like after 2 hrs, but frens were there etc. the wind and cold was too much for me. metabolism shot to a high, ended up hving medium french fries from mcd cos i was hungry already. despite hving eaten roast vege panini and mini danish and coffee for lunch. wat the hell. and didnt get to go to cinema in the end becos frens hv headaches. rightooowww. fine. went to stock up on noodles from a chinese shop. took bus back to greenwich centre and bought tall soy hot choc to accompany that cold walk back home. blah.

sitting here waiting for time to pass so i can shower and hv xin la mian u noe the korean noodle for dinner. and then feed myself with my everyday lifeline, po li shi da ren. i think i'm at epi 11 now or smth. oh god. one can obviously tell i'm kinda annoyed. welll

actually it wasnt the result of the day, it's more like, i received this nice letter from my fren saying how i finally made up my mind to become a nutritionist, but obviously that is not true. i hv this stupid interview for BSc NUTRITION this thursday but i hv no plans on going. obviously i dont see the point in spending another FREAKING 3*365 days in a freaking uni with some freaking 18++++. come on, i mean, get a life, seriously. i shud be more PRACTICAL and start finding some kind of dream job and not be some kind of academic. 

now dat nutrition is not in my to-study-in-a-university-list, i hv much more little tiny things i would like to explore for a bit (and maybe end up not going for it as a career in like 3 minutes after). dat would include

- photography 

- restaurant management-ish? (not sure abt this)

- coffee making? (hmm...)

- eco stuff. u noe.

- organic stuff. yeah. those. 

- (some inspiration from a friend) art management 

- man i shud try translation too. been doing this for a frend quite a lot recently.

- wat else wat else wat else

oh the nutrition stuff yea, tot i could combine dat into my DREAM cafe - eco, organic, minimalistic. u get the idea. then yea nutritious menu. etc. but god. how many ppl r doing dat right now. i must be the best of the best if i really want to make it REAL. 

man i dont know. i m just this wanderer in this big big world where i cant even grasp a single corner of a freaking t-shirt. it's really stupid to think, oh, i m so gonna make a change to this world. wat crap. 

anyway. enuf of blahing. just dat, there's no one NO ONE to hv a freaking constructive conversation with. i m SO GLAD my mum is gonna come here so soon. at least i can bug her with my BIG QUESTION, with MY FUTURE for the next 2 weeks or so. poor her. cant even get a mental rest. not like she is so busy now or anything. she is just so lucky. but i dont wish to be in her situation yet. 

blog is there for a reason.

when there's no human that you can talk with, constructively, you just need someone to be there. or something. 

happy springtime :D

(oh geez it's gonna be like -1 degree min this friday wth)

三月春初

我要戒甜食！！！

binge eating disorder?

it's a problem.

***

i must have a problem somewhere, some psychological problem? i dont know.

i cant help but to binge at night. it's abnormal to the extend that i start eating things that i dont normally eat. like eating chocolate like crazy. it must be some kind of deep psychological issue? or am i just too anxious?

i should find another way to overcome this. somehow.

anyway, headache attack. sleep soon. 

i dunno how i came across this website, webMD. i think it was through googling "good chocolate". haha. anyway...

the thing is, yes ok i m a bit obsess with healthy eating and all. but i dont know with all the videos bombarding my audio and visual perception, i find these all a bit cliche now. eg, eating this and this is good to increase our daily needs of BLA and it can prevent cancer. Research shows consumig Y amount of Z per day lowers the risk of XXXX cancer. 

that's when i start to think, how sad is it. how sad is human life. we eat this and that because it will help lower to risk of becoming sick. welcome to the world of modernisation and urbanisation. 

i like the idea of health, but also respecting the beauty to eat, to enjoy what you eat. Eating for the sake of satisfying the body's natural desire to consume macro and micro nutrients; eating for the sake of enjoying the taste of culinary delights, no matter the way it is being prepared. Yet, the modern world (alongside the everchanging/evergrowing desire of human nature), we have either indulged too much or binged too much, that we have forgotten that, our bodies know exactly what it needs. 

Eating is a cultural experience, an art, a necessity. I dont think i want to always eat this because it gives me my 5-a-day or smth like that. all in all,  I think i just hate that it has became so commericalised, this idea of nutrition and health. 

anyway, check it out. this website. *the coffee video feels a bit exaggerated, for me anyway*

http://www.webmd.com/video/cooking-healthy-oils

mavin khoo

mavin khoo. 

he's like my new addiction. not that i know a lot about him yet, but the fact that he is malaysian and great dancer simply caught my eyes.

i like when things get so passionate - on the inside.

 like, not fake. like, there's some kind of raw truth in it. 

i like it when it gets so personal, yet applicable to us all, in a way or the other. 

it's the display of the underlying causality of humanity. 

haha, perhaps i m assuming too much, or i know too little about the world. 

what really attracts me, i think, is him, as a person, his superficial appearance as a dancer/choreographer on stage. 

he is born, to be a dancer. he is a dancer, as much as he is the dance itself. 

it tickles that sensation in me. perhaps, deep down, i m certainly in need of something, that will compensate for my passivity during the daylight.

i just like it, when things gets so, unconventional. 

u know, just not liking what others like. not the conventional/popular stuff at least. 

bye for now. 

hi.

i, read a blog. a friend's (?) blog. it gives me a thrill when people has great aspiration, and it motivates me too. maybe that's why i m writing now.

faith or fate, it doesnt matter. i believe that we do walk a certain pathway, and we need to pass through certain things in life. but what we can control, is the way in which we reach towards it, the route on which we travelled to it. 

i guess it is fated, i just have to walk this way.

to try to be, some kind of pioneer, big or small. perhaps i never (ever) in my life, like to do what others did. i try (or subconsciously control myself) to see things differently from others, to have (perhaps already) a different life from others, though we might have that same label, no matter as a student or whatever (just realised i have only been a student before, and till now). 

i m in this area, this big area. but it's so big that i do not know where to start from, or how to start. tuning in that positive-thinking mindset, i should be happy to find myself in AN area ? (or not). 

step by step, shall i say. there's many things to think about, to ACTIVELY think about.

*sometimes i just cant help worrying my passivity could lead me to no where at all....*

as i continue this journey forward, i need to set my mind right. it's not about where this leads you too, it's perhaps the encountering, as random as it might be, that is the essence of those great aspiration in life. my quote/inspiration of the day. 

when london snowed (as in real snow)

for the first time (since ages ago) i will blog with pictures

just cos the world is chaotic, ecologically wise

to see is to believe.

is this london?

i do not know, anymore

but we had fun

at least for now

but still, i love snow. :D

un.pleasant.

without a sense of festive

as i sat down here

loneliness creep within me

i cant breathe

i want to withdraw from this alternative 

sometimes 

it just feels good to be cliche

this feeling of escape 

is searching for this route 

to go back or to go forward

i want to stop stopping

it's unpleasant, unrewarding, unsatisfying

oh can i quit now to end this negative compassion

it's time to be realistic and get my ass back to cruelty of credit crunch political conflicts social inequality

perhaps then i would be better

or perhaps i think too much

for better or for worse

i just need a route to wholeness 

有感，而發

夢想與現實之間 那塊相吸而相斥的茂盾不安

比想像中更繁瑣更凌亂

那是需要掙扎以供成長的微妙關係

那是需要勇氣與決心去一步一步經營的耐力考驗 

可 不要急著走

因為那些沿途有的沒的阿貓阿狗

都是到達終點站的重要提示 

迂迥也好 筆直也好

誰說這條路 一定要走完才算數

凡走過 必留下痕跡 

這一切 都不會白費 

體會逐夢 那怕是如此短暫

至少今生無悔

天時地利人和 方能讓事成

回首望去 再眺望現在 

那些憧憬那些渴望 早已升華

它 原來只是一直在尋覓臺階

總算盼到了 所以迷霧漸散了

最后的最后 

也會曲終人散的

道路分歧 從來沒有那麼美麗過

原來“看清楚”，這件事情

是多麼舒服與坦然的啊

新的一年

新的一年 承諾對自己好一點 看事情開闊一些 

完成未完成 然后朝下個目標前進 

長大的路 沒有后退可言 只有不斷在困境中求存求變求生

這條路 還是那麼的漫長呀

新年 新的一年 只求更好 只求活在當下