sick and all that's nasty

what a way to end my end of term classes.

***

been lying there on that bed. a bed on which one could been the springy-ness of the spring and how it contacts with your flesh and bones. and i have been with it for a good 24 hrs and somemore on the following day, no longer bothered to count. 

it wasnt at all pleasant being sick (duh). but the fact that i am not in a pleasant environment made me sicker - perhaps mentally. actually, i didnt even mind that shitty wet weather (besides the wind which i just cannot tolerate at all). wat i do mind is the condition of my flat my room and the shared kitchen. i guess i really had enough. i really cant wait to move out. 

i guess there is no one reason as to why i want to move out asap. just dat when the idea struck me, all my thoughts will be magnetised and they will all be labelled as 'supporting homemoving movement'. that's how my brain works. and i guess this has caused be trouble too. 

i began to realise a lot of issues abt myself, as i try to fall asleep in my bed with my influenza ( i assume this one is one) and thinking about my future my career etc. i realised that when i want something, i can find like a thousand of excuses to guide me into rationalising that thought or that choice, and i feel it's the same for choosing dance. not dat i do not enjoy dancing at this very moment (ok, not now because i am still sick and weak), i really do. it's very challenging, physically and mentally, i have to make a lot of immediate and spontaneous reactions to a lot of stimuli that is happening around me, hence dancers are often said that they develop better proprioreceptors. 

i concluded one day while i was showering, that my sickness is a sign of my proprioreceptors are indeed becoming more and more sensitive.... (wondering if this statement makes any sense at all)

***

while i m sick in bed, my brain still can stop moving. i have been thinking of what's next? and all these questions. 

do i continue to venture in the dance circle? or do i move away (again) into something else. i must have a stand at some point of my life right?!!!! 

i've been thinking of nutrition for a while (perhaps even more as i m sick). i looked up on possibilities of jobs. but all or mostly requires some sort of qualification to do with nutrition (DUH, otherwise i shud be worried). 

soo, if i really do want A JOB after i finish this course.... A) do smth related to psychology; B) do smth that a psy degree will allow me to get pass the requirement; C) do smth related to dance; D)do smth related to dance and psychology.

i dun feel like studying more mainly because i feel i have burdened my parents too much with my expenditure with tuition fees and daily spendings. I shud need to start earning my own money and learning how to earn money, and how to operate in the 'social university'. "It's tougher," that's what everyone says.

***

perhaps it's still going to be a loooong journey towards finding that path. or perhaps that path is not as straightforward i have always assumed it to be. the funny thing is, i never like to do straighforwards things anyway. i guess my thoughts arent straightforwards to begin with. 

it started from a young age.... my primary teacher told me that i think too much when answering the exam sometimes. that's y i get things wrong. the thing with 鑽牛角尖 has stuck with me. FOR LIFE NOW. but i will still continue to think. even it can get me nowhere most of the time. whaha. 

i just got distracted into looking at chinese herbalist homeopathy etc.  

anyway. a long way to go. but i will enjoy my present. and better get this fluflu away asap! 

menu tonight: PROTEIN, sweetpotato rice and vege. :)

frustrations kicking in...

you know what. maybe... i dont really love dancing that much. maybe i just want to get away from  somethings. i dont know anymore.

i hate to talk about this. but i really do not want to go back. i think i want to stay here more than being in malaysia. being a foreigner feels safer, because i have the advantage of being strange. people will understand, becos i am a foreigner. i dont know what i am doing becos i am a foreigner. maybe that's why, it's difficult for me to KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. i have to confess, that most of the time, i really do not know what i am doing. I am doing it, becos i was told to, or becos everyone else is doing it, or becos i just somehow find myself being led to doing it, by emotions/impulse or watever.

so pls dun force me. i might not be the best daughter in the world. but sorry. not now. i tot i could get away from familiar grounds. but in fact, the familiarity that existed ytd had transformed into a foreign object for me. i do not know what is left there anymore. there's only memories. i swear. so what is the point? i want to establish a new self. i dont hv a self. honestly. i am ALWAYS LOST. 

i just keep going and ppl say you are always rushing. in a hurry. yes, to move on. but then, after that, so wat? 

i dunno.

i just did it. cos it was what that is meant to happen, at that moment. as for the future, i do not know. but i shud think abt it. and i hv been doing it, for a few days now.

but in vain. it remains a big question mark.

***

some neuroscientific stuff abt proprioreceptors caught my attention. mind-body connection etc. these has often been my passion. 

so the question is, how do i pursue this further. 

i need a career's advisor. i need a job 1st. 

***

probably, in life, to reach a goal, if u hv one, is not the easiest thing to do. or, put it this way, in order to achieve the goal, u need to pass through many things, things that you like, or dont like. but in order to achieve that final state of being that is ideal for you, you might hv to deal with stuff that you do not like doing. and u hv to face it. 

perhaps, that is what i am experiencing right now. i dont like, being told wat to do, or wat i should do. i dun like that burden. but i noe, i shud pay attention more to what is going on (out there or somewhere) and be less self-centred. i m self-centred. it's bad. but that's how i feel good also. but then, i wont achieve anything that is beneficial to the world.

oh rmb how i said i like to "save the world and make the world a better place by being 'eco'?" i totally forgot abt that. 

u see, there r so many tiny things that interest me, but i do not know how to organise them, into some sort of career path. 

can i just do loads of part time jobs?? 

like involve in eco groups; like joining a dance company or choreograph time to time; like study part time abt meridien and chinese medicine; practise yoga and pilates; involve in researching abt mind-body connection through some form that i do not yet know... and so on. 

it's all part of, what i feel like doing. in the future.

but it seems like, there is also another possibility - sitting in the office and go over papers and go to meetings after meetings.

the minute i imagine it, i feel like crying.

i noe i m selfish. but i m really sorry. i cant do it. 

haih. i shud hv just ignored everything and become an organic farmer for the rest of my life. at the age of 21, i am already thinking of 隱居。how sad/nice is dat?

we'll see. --> that's waht i always say. but in the end, who sees? you! u hv to decide, no one else can!!

till then, i will see wat happens tmr. see, i did it again. :/

just a few minutes to throw my thoughts out there

ok. i have totally no me time. no time to reflect on myself, no time to personalised information that i hv been given, hence in fear that they will disappear.

even if my room looks totally like a war zone, i am just gonna jot down my thoughts for the day or the days that has passed since mid term.

i learn the need to... keep on. to keep moving. to not stop and keep going, as if you know what is coming, and you should. the key is think ahead.

i learnt the need to.. take risk. to move beyond the safe zone that i always always keep myself too. and often way too much. it's not exactly healthy, in terms of progression in technique or personal development in getting to the next level. it also means, to fall and to not be afraid of falling. but falling because u took ur limits to the extreme. to take risk and to know your limits, or to challenge your limits, is essentially to protect yourself. i would want to think that in a context outside dance. and this is really useful.

***

my self-reflection time ends here. while i finish drying my hair and fall asleep in my own war with my comfort/war zone.

p.s. perhaps dats y i need to live in a war zone. whaha.

LABAN

it's been a whole month and a half since i came to this wonderful extraordinary place. The Laban Centre. Every single day is just so fresh so new so filled with new ideas! so open so accepting so challenging and a day almost never comes to an end. becos whenever the clock strucks 12 i know i still have so much which i have not the time to absorb digest and integrate.

I was at the International Laban Conference for 2 days. I missed out on the 1st day but still 2 days of compact workshops, performance, lecture demonstrations blabla, it was already overwhelming. i am totally overloaded with information, from Laban's principles to its development and usage in today's world, dealing with multimedia, psychotherapies... too much way too much. i only get to know the breadth of things and at the end of the day i just find myself in this blackout state of mind. becos i hv no idea where to start reading/thinking!

the reason i m back to blogging, is that i really need to put all these into concrete words, at least for myself, to comprehend and to let all these information settle in my brain, and give a concluding remark. so that i know, what i shud do next. or what is best to do next.

i think that the common themes that the speakers keep coming back to, is the idea of Laban's notion of dance as experimentation, incorporating the use of space and dynamics. keeping in mind that nth is static, and the goal is nv the product but the process.

i got to know this wonderful lady, Dr. Ana Sanchez-Colberg, who is totally a walking dictionary. She embraces philosophies, the old and the new, seeks to understand the self in relation to the changing world, understands and explores space and environment, and certainly without diminishing the essence of dance movements. Her theatre background was also of interest to me, and has certainly made her think of dance differently from those coming from a pure dance background. My interest in her work was also due to my increase interest in dance theatre. I have to get my hands at her books, papers and works. and get ideas from her work for my 1st choreography homework - a movement embodiment of our self portrait.

The fact that she touches upon various psychological concepts, eg. memory, discourse, syntax, etc. and also phenomenology etc has also inspired me further. and all those speakers that talked about dance therapy in relation to helping ppl with eating disorders, autism, personality disorder, depression and so on was just AMAZING. of course it wasn't the 1st time that i knew these sort of things existed, but the fact that legendary and important ppl are standing just inches away from me, giving such extraordinary speeches is just sooo unbelievable.

i am a small small stone in the universe.
i hv yet to use my miniature magnet force to take in more energy of life to move on to become a greater representation of a stone in the universe
a stone that has a life and a meaning to the universe



Commitment. is another word. that i as a dancer and as a learner need to embrace and implant into myself, physically within my muscular system and perhaps further into a cellular level, as well as mentally within and beyond my soul.

SOUL. a good word/ concept for self portrait.
now i hv gathered SOUL and MEMORY. two concepts to work on. and more to refine.

i am excited.
still many months to come, but just before mid term break begins, i m already so drawn into being labanised. i do hope this process will continue into a beautiful pathway that i will keep walking jogging running dancing on, a never ending journey to search for the inner and outer balance.

BALANCE, YIN AND YANG. another good concept, to symbolise a mobile yet harmonious way of living on and on and on.....

格林威治的生活型態

靜靜的 我漸融入了一種格林威治的生活型態
不 其實此時還是屬于倫敦的城市生活

所謂的格林威治生活型態
是脫離倫敦市中心的過日子
是浸浴在姿態與節奏中的快活
是寄托五花八門的市場的時空
是青綠 亦是青藍
可簡檏 亦可奢華
又是忙碌 又是悠游自在

格林威治
一個重要地標
一個代表
從前 現在 和未來 .............

***

感恩幸福與不幸福
感恩擁有與沒有
感恩悲歡離合
感恩一切造就我的每一個細節
也感恩讓我有這種福氣 去參與我的現在與未來
且讓這顆感恩的心
去接納一切的人事物
去貢獻 去學習 去發掘

祈許有那麼一天
有這樣一種能力 去感化與擴張 人性的美和丑

tmr will be a better day

i guess i am lucky
was reading a note on a fren's facebook
i hope she overcomes the pain
the pain of losing
and then she will grow even stronger than before

i do not know here very well
but she is a nice person
she will be able to pull over

***

and when i look back at myself....

tomorrow is registration
my new term
my new life
in good terms with flatmates
hopefully will become better

lots to organise
my room
my life
my tempo

i m not a do-er
i m a think-er

so i shall stop making blank promise to myself.
向美好的明天 出發吧

腦惱振蕩

8月13日, 公元2008年。終于忍不住一個人的狂歡，上來這里搞搞新意思。

12點整。與３個中華友人高歌着過去現在未來，盡情挖掘和發掘着天的極南邊與地的極北面，不知不覺經已三更。恢復自己一個人時，竟才覺得孤單來自離散，而終日活在框框之中、那個馬來西亞的我，其實有多麼矛盾。

很愛這里的親近，很愛有根的感覺，但最近更是因為想要愛它多一點，卻愈覺得自己一點都不了解它。

清晨的我，７點已雙眸撐開。那肚子反抗着我不讓它正時用餐，然后隔天塞了一堆肉折磨它的美好假期。唉，算我敗給了你！

簡便早點，送走朋友們后，隨后立即陷入我熱愛的體操團體賽中去。我是真的有被她們的用心感動到！也因為觀賞京奧，我更加地察覺自己的情感可以如此貼近她們。我近乎有一種，可以明白她們的壓力與堅持背后的意義。那種為一個目標不斷緞練的苦樂，心中殘留着絲絲的小响往。

也許是因為想要為一個小目標而活，所以重新選擇了這條路。


而最近的我，也想着未來的種種，我的小目標們，是否都可以慢慢的積累，拼湊成我的未來流浪地圖呢？

思緒不太經過整理的，擺在多少人面前，也只不過想確任自己此刻的所想所思的深刻。


創業抑或守業，親愛的大家，會選擇甚麼？

我永遠愛你

今天 坐在家中的我 竟然一直在感動
是媒體的力量 以及自己的身份與背景的原因吧

***

過去的21年來，我都深深地愛你
多年前依旧乳臭未干的我 在非得離開你不可的情況之下 促使心中對其他的一切產生偏心與厭惡之情
但 這些情緒隨時間逝去 不再重要
若干年後 我選擇離你更遠 去追尋那些 你所不能給予我的自由與憧憬
如今 衣錦還鄉 我以為自己可以更加倍地去了解你了 可是你是多麼地令我失望失措失魂
可是有時候 我還是忍不住 觀賞著你的可愛 熱情 純樸
真的很想一輩子 勇敢地抱著你
但是你一而再 再而三地 吞食了我的勇氣 刺破我的膽囊 摧毀我的愛意
到底我們之間 還有沒有明天可言

親愛的你
你可知道 我們的未來 其實有著無限可能的
但我已按捺不住我的害怕 我的驚慌
你知道嗎 你 越來越遠了
每當我股起勇氣 輕輕碰觸你的美 你總是臉帶微笑歡迎著
但你的美留不住尋覓安全感的我
你的放盪與猖狂 令我對于心中對你的愛意變成一種壓抑
那種是捨棄還是留下的矛盾不安 無情還是濫情的你 知道的又有多少？

傷心欲絕如我
深陷無明黑洞如你
我 可以讓你 覺醒嗎
問心 我 無能為力
可 我的心 永遠愛你
你 好好專心對抗病魔吧
若干年後 我渴望 甚至衷心期盼著
我與你 海枯石爛的 親密接觸

我的消遣 不僅是玩玩而已的

音樂 電影 劇集 攝影 料理
一些事情 只能是娛樂消遣嗎？

如何將這些開心的事 與世界其他的人分享呢
若這些都能成為我未來事業的一部份
獨樂樂 不如眾樂樂
何樂而不為？


給自己一年
去感受 去體會 去發現 去挖掘
內在深沉處 最原始的使命

我是凡人
是一個想造就更多快樂於世的凡人

it's time

i often feel i m so immature and so ignorant, hence i always want to know more learn more at the shortest time possible.

but sometimes, it's up to time. we mature without noticing.

perhaps, i just need to take things slowly. seriously but calmly, observant and not taking for granted, sensitive but not overly so.

***

here i am, thinking about my future in a yr's time.

it's time to act. not just think. i noe i want to make a difference, but too often do i feel timid to do the things that i want to do, i feel as if i do not have the strength and the ability to make an influence.

but i need to have faith.

just like anyone else, u start from a nobody.

i guess i m no exception.


***

goodbye to the days where i feel hopeless and useless, now i just to do let myself believe the possibilities of making a small small tiny little difference. and perhaps, these will eventually add up. and who noes, a significant difference (kehem) will eventually emerge.....

i am going to sleep now,
sleeping through the static

an aspiring ending note.

i cant believe this but yes i am blogging for the 3rd time within 24 hrs.

-------

been talking a lot today.
A LOT.
but it's good.
this is exactly what i need most.
communication with an external physical body. a bi-directional mechanism in which i can understand myself more, from observing myself speaking and listening to others.

when differences meet, you will find yourself more worthwhile, in the sense that, everyone is unique, and could somehow contribute to the world, to the happiness of others, the well-being of the community.

i have been internalising my communication for a long time. sometimes i just really need some real communication. but so often do i habituate myself with solitude, a sign of the depletion of the essence of human kind.

AH. perhaps this is my newly-founded future prospects - interaction and communication.

Laban? Labanotation? Dance Movement Analysis? Non-verbal communication?

waha. what a dramatic ending note to a this day where i officially disconnects myself from anticipation of an unknown future. love it.



i wish there was a degree in love now. where love extends beyond the individual, the group, the community, the society, the country, the race, the world. (oh no system theories).


ok. let me jot down a few aspiring sidenotes before i fall back into a melancholic mood.

i thought of doing something ECO. something green. something that contributes to the maintenance and improvement of life, from the most general point of view.

i thought it continuing with psychology, but in a more diverted way, or a less direct way, lets put it this way. a form of healing, through understanding of the self, but not only the self.
but self, in relation to, others - people and the environment. through the medium of language and movement. through the variation in culture and social norms.
(at this point i am extremely glad i did psychology as a degree, eventhough i did not excel as a great student, but personally, i deeply appreciated the maturity that i have gained throughout the years).

i thought of doing chinese medicine. link with nutrition. with naturopathy. with body and mind as a whole.


-----


in response to post no.1, dated 12/6/08.

i have successful untangled myself from a maze of self-torturing and self-humiliating. i learn or relearn to accept the fact that PROCESS is always more important than the RESULT.
i am glad for what i have chosen to do with my degree, eventhough the result have been such due to my divergence from conventional psychology.

at this point, i TRULY have thought it through.
i just could not believe that i am able to end this day with a gleeful smile.

lets hope my dreams are sweet tonite. and will these spirit in me continue to flourish throughout my life. keep me going for as long as i can live.


all in all, no matter what i do, i aspire to bring happiness to people around me. i love to see that people feel happy becos i am around, and not sad and gloomy, or pressurised as a result of my presence. i aspire to contribute to this world, to bring positive spirit and life, to this world around me.

why not, look forward?

back after an extended shower.

thought it through.

it shud end here now.

the only way is to look forward and not behind.
i need to accept myself. for who i am. even though this means accepting a self i dont like. in order to change it, i need to live with it first. and then work out how to change.

university is not for me. 3 years. i proved my point.
working hard is not the best thing.
my best is when i dont work so hard.
i guess i was stupid to work so hard, and gain nothing but a pathetic borderline.
i guess 3 years was enough, to make me see it through. i need to really really really KNOW and LOVE and have a passion and a TALENT (even if this means a little little tiny bit of advantage) in a subject in order to excel.

3 years down the road.
it's time to change.

i make a promise to myself.
i will not let the next year go into the bin.

a desensitised embodiment of failure.

the whole day i have been thinking
thinking
thinking

all i know to do is think.
but what IS the point? thinking doesn't make you smart, doesn't solve problem, doesn't make you successful.
this is MY problem.

i only know how to think.

who can i blame?
no one.

what else do i know how to do? i am good at desensitizing myself.
seldom do i reveal
seldom do i express
i am a desensitized embodiment.


i hate myself.
for being so normal.
for being so average.
for being so general.

for the whole day today.
i cant stop hating myself when being left alone.
for the 1st time, i feel lonely.
lonely becos i cant come to terms with myself.
i really do not know what to do.
so lost, so sad, so depressed.


i have lost myself.

i know when i wake up tmr
everything will be alright
but i know that
this does not mean that the problem has ended, it has merely found a place behind my brain cells
a place where i do not yet need to access
until i meet another failure.

i failed myself
for being so inefficient

i failed myself
for being of no use and no good

i failed myself
for not being able to do anything about myself

i failed myself
for not knowing myself enough

i do not even know who i am.
i do not know my true feelings, my true ability, my true self

who am i?

i do not know.

i will keep thinking. until i fall asleep. if, i ever will.

反思： 反覆思考， 反轉思路。

儉討吧你！
說話可不可以過濾干淨一點啊

天真
太天真

傷人
天真只有傷人
儉討吧你

邈視自己
如此的不懂情理
爛透了

此刻好想賜一巴掌
給愚蠢不成熟的自己
都已經年過二十一
行為卻如十八一般

可
這一巴掌
打得值得嗎？
打了
就會讓我瞬間成長？
並不會的
問題的根 更深更遠

唉
這個時候不是談論這些的時候….


﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣

我的內心
疑惑著
煩惱著
厭惡著
我自己

不滿
就是改變的開始吧
不是不愛自己 只是
愛不下如此不成熟 不醒目 不精 不足以讓我全心全意去愛的一個自己

也許 我應該把愛轉移了吧

博愛

好想 把愛 傳遞給更多更遠的大家
但在這一切之前
我需要一些時間消化掉這些負面的情緒
然後任清自己的能耐
從遠處眺望自己的一切可能
不會容易
但我真的很想 供應我小小的生命 為人纇存在的意義做一些什麼

時間不多
必須不斷增進自己的修養

青山多著呢
我卻才開始開發
燒柴的日子還遠
但我有毅力往前走

璇風襲擊地球

吹吧

盡情的
痴... 威...

也許
就是此刻
真的璇風才開始發威呢

吹啊﹋

aaa

4 days aaa
till the end aaa
of the aaa
the depletion of the bumbum aaa
yeah aaa

where am i?

counting down from 9.

...............

why am i constantly hungry???
hungry at 10.30pm despite having finished dinner at 8.30.

..............

back to journalism when countdown = 0.

..............

exchange. it's time to go back. barter system.
to save.
the
world.
humanity.

.............

books.
more knowledge needed.
overloaded with useless crap.

.............

the world.
is not safe.
humanity is depleting. so is the natural resources. the habitat and its inhabitants.

.............

back to basics.
the protein- like structure some trillion years ago.

............

nothing matters.
except living.

............

vitality.
positivism.
minimalism.

............

ditch technology.
consumerism.
materialism.

............

love.
learn to love.
love, to learn.
to learn love.
learn.
and love.

............

heart.
whole-hearted.
one-heart.
focus. use you heart.
用心
用，心。

............

officially 10.30.
and my world today stops here.
with bullying and schools.

when more important things, awaits........

%^$^&J&((*77&$#$%__>_(&^

泡湯！

心情泡湯

計划泡湯

希望泡湯

期盼泡湯

煩啊！！！

一個月

點算？開始有想玩的心態出現。非常非常之危險啊！

現在一切才即將開始

可否不要想那麼多無聊的玩意啊！

我要

自閉

一個月！

self(ish).

How i wish i can type Chinese faster on mac but it’s so impossible and hence i need to type in English which might not be my best language to express my often conflicting thoughts. But anyway, i shall continue. Or begin.

22 april 2008. I am anticipating for the day that i can finally count down to the end of undergraduate exam. I drilled so hard on FYP and dissertation. And now, before i start skimming through journals regarding ToM, rPFC and TPJ (dun worry abt understanding these abbr. becos u dun nid 2), I want to shift my intellectual brain to non-intellectual sectors of the world for a few moments first.

I have no time to think about the near future just yet. But i do plan to read extensively on things outside the academic world due to an increasing self-efficacy towards maturing my inner soul. I am empty within. I know so little, think so little and engage so little with the essence of the world – people. I am, however, no good at engaging interesting conversations with others, but I have no strong intention to change that just yet, not before I feel I have a better/broader/deeper understanding of the world and not just about myself. After this egoistic month of continuous telling myself every morning that “I believe I can fly”, it is time to embark on a different journey, one that is not poles apart from my life as an undergraduate but one that exceeds it and expands it. It, shall extrapolate the virtues, and strengthen my capability outside of the selfish regime, and the list goes on.

I have engaged too much time thinking out of the box, the “Come on i can finish this asap..” box. Time for some energy food (which is never lacking in my busy life), and back to square 1 - not one that traps itself and goes around a stupid circle, but one that extracts valuable intellectual materials from all regions of philosophies and thoughts and ideas, translating them to become relevant to the repertoire of the goal and scope of the square.

11.45am @ Gloria Jeans.