腦惱振蕩

8月13日, 公元2008年。終于忍不住一個人的狂歡，上來這里搞搞新意思。

12點整。與３個中華友人高歌着過去現在未來，盡情挖掘和發掘着天的極南邊與地的極北面，不知不覺經已三更。恢復自己一個人時，竟才覺得孤單來自離散，而終日活在框框之中、那個馬來西亞的我，其實有多麼矛盾。

很愛這里的親近，很愛有根的感覺，但最近更是因為想要愛它多一點，卻愈覺得自己一點都不了解它。

清晨的我，７點已雙眸撐開。那肚子反抗着我不讓它正時用餐，然后隔天塞了一堆肉折磨它的美好假期。唉，算我敗給了你！

簡便早點，送走朋友們后，隨后立即陷入我熱愛的體操團體賽中去。我是真的有被她們的用心感動到！也因為觀賞京奧，我更加地察覺自己的情感可以如此貼近她們。我近乎有一種，可以明白她們的壓力與堅持背后的意義。那種為一個目標不斷緞練的苦樂，心中殘留着絲絲的小响往。

也許是因為想要為一個小目標而活，所以重新選擇了這條路。


而最近的我，也想着未來的種種，我的小目標們，是否都可以慢慢的積累，拼湊成我的未來流浪地圖呢？

思緒不太經過整理的，擺在多少人面前，也只不過想確任自己此刻的所想所思的深刻。


創業抑或守業，親愛的大家，會選擇甚麼？

我永遠愛你

今天 坐在家中的我 竟然一直在感動
是媒體的力量 以及自己的身份與背景的原因吧

***

過去的21年來，我都深深地愛你
多年前依旧乳臭未干的我 在非得離開你不可的情況之下 促使心中對其他的一切產生偏心與厭惡之情
但 這些情緒隨時間逝去 不再重要
若干年後 我選擇離你更遠 去追尋那些 你所不能給予我的自由與憧憬
如今 衣錦還鄉 我以為自己可以更加倍地去了解你了 可是你是多麼地令我失望失措失魂
可是有時候 我還是忍不住 觀賞著你的可愛 熱情 純樸
真的很想一輩子 勇敢地抱著你
但是你一而再 再而三地 吞食了我的勇氣 刺破我的膽囊 摧毀我的愛意
到底我們之間 還有沒有明天可言

親愛的你
你可知道 我們的未來 其實有著無限可能的
但我已按捺不住我的害怕 我的驚慌
你知道嗎 你 越來越遠了
每當我股起勇氣 輕輕碰觸你的美 你總是臉帶微笑歡迎著
但你的美留不住尋覓安全感的我
你的放盪與猖狂 令我對于心中對你的愛意變成一種壓抑
那種是捨棄還是留下的矛盾不安 無情還是濫情的你 知道的又有多少？

傷心欲絕如我
深陷無明黑洞如你
我 可以讓你 覺醒嗎
問心 我 無能為力
可 我的心 永遠愛你
你 好好專心對抗病魔吧
若干年後 我渴望 甚至衷心期盼著
我與你 海枯石爛的 親密接觸

我的消遣 不僅是玩玩而已的

音樂 電影 劇集 攝影 料理
一些事情 只能是娛樂消遣嗎？

如何將這些開心的事 與世界其他的人分享呢
若這些都能成為我未來事業的一部份
獨樂樂 不如眾樂樂
何樂而不為？


給自己一年
去感受 去體會 去發現 去挖掘
內在深沉處 最原始的使命

我是凡人
是一個想造就更多快樂於世的凡人

it's time

i often feel i m so immature and so ignorant, hence i always want to know more learn more at the shortest time possible.

but sometimes, it's up to time. we mature without noticing.

perhaps, i just need to take things slowly. seriously but calmly, observant and not taking for granted, sensitive but not overly so.

***

here i am, thinking about my future in a yr's time.

it's time to act. not just think. i noe i want to make a difference, but too often do i feel timid to do the things that i want to do, i feel as if i do not have the strength and the ability to make an influence.

but i need to have faith.

just like anyone else, u start from a nobody.

i guess i m no exception.


***

goodbye to the days where i feel hopeless and useless, now i just to do let myself believe the possibilities of making a small small tiny little difference. and perhaps, these will eventually add up. and who noes, a significant difference (kehem) will eventually emerge.....

i am going to sleep now,
sleeping through the static

an aspiring ending note.

i cant believe this but yes i am blogging for the 3rd time within 24 hrs.

-------

been talking a lot today.
A LOT.
but it's good.
this is exactly what i need most.
communication with an external physical body. a bi-directional mechanism in which i can understand myself more, from observing myself speaking and listening to others.

when differences meet, you will find yourself more worthwhile, in the sense that, everyone is unique, and could somehow contribute to the world, to the happiness of others, the well-being of the community.

i have been internalising my communication for a long time. sometimes i just really need some real communication. but so often do i habituate myself with solitude, a sign of the depletion of the essence of human kind.

AH. perhaps this is my newly-founded future prospects - interaction and communication.

Laban? Labanotation? Dance Movement Analysis? Non-verbal communication?

waha. what a dramatic ending note to a this day where i officially disconnects myself from anticipation of an unknown future. love it.



i wish there was a degree in love now. where love extends beyond the individual, the group, the community, the society, the country, the race, the world. (oh no system theories).


ok. let me jot down a few aspiring sidenotes before i fall back into a melancholic mood.

i thought of doing something ECO. something green. something that contributes to the maintenance and improvement of life, from the most general point of view.

i thought it continuing with psychology, but in a more diverted way, or a less direct way, lets put it this way. a form of healing, through understanding of the self, but not only the self.
but self, in relation to, others - people and the environment. through the medium of language and movement. through the variation in culture and social norms.
(at this point i am extremely glad i did psychology as a degree, eventhough i did not excel as a great student, but personally, i deeply appreciated the maturity that i have gained throughout the years).

i thought of doing chinese medicine. link with nutrition. with naturopathy. with body and mind as a whole.


-----


in response to post no.1, dated 12/6/08.

i have successful untangled myself from a maze of self-torturing and self-humiliating. i learn or relearn to accept the fact that PROCESS is always more important than the RESULT.
i am glad for what i have chosen to do with my degree, eventhough the result have been such due to my divergence from conventional psychology.

at this point, i TRULY have thought it through.
i just could not believe that i am able to end this day with a gleeful smile.

lets hope my dreams are sweet tonite. and will these spirit in me continue to flourish throughout my life. keep me going for as long as i can live.


all in all, no matter what i do, i aspire to bring happiness to people around me. i love to see that people feel happy becos i am around, and not sad and gloomy, or pressurised as a result of my presence. i aspire to contribute to this world, to bring positive spirit and life, to this world around me.

why not, look forward?

back after an extended shower.

thought it through.

it shud end here now.

the only way is to look forward and not behind.
i need to accept myself. for who i am. even though this means accepting a self i dont like. in order to change it, i need to live with it first. and then work out how to change.

university is not for me. 3 years. i proved my point.
working hard is not the best thing.
my best is when i dont work so hard.
i guess i was stupid to work so hard, and gain nothing but a pathetic borderline.
i guess 3 years was enough, to make me see it through. i need to really really really KNOW and LOVE and have a passion and a TALENT (even if this means a little little tiny bit of advantage) in a subject in order to excel.

3 years down the road.
it's time to change.

i make a promise to myself.
i will not let the next year go into the bin.

a desensitised embodiment of failure.

the whole day i have been thinking
thinking
thinking

all i know to do is think.
but what IS the point? thinking doesn't make you smart, doesn't solve problem, doesn't make you successful.
this is MY problem.

i only know how to think.

who can i blame?
no one.

what else do i know how to do? i am good at desensitizing myself.
seldom do i reveal
seldom do i express
i am a desensitized embodiment.


i hate myself.
for being so normal.
for being so average.
for being so general.

for the whole day today.
i cant stop hating myself when being left alone.
for the 1st time, i feel lonely.
lonely becos i cant come to terms with myself.
i really do not know what to do.
so lost, so sad, so depressed.


i have lost myself.

i know when i wake up tmr
everything will be alright
but i know that
this does not mean that the problem has ended, it has merely found a place behind my brain cells
a place where i do not yet need to access
until i meet another failure.

i failed myself
for being so inefficient

i failed myself
for being of no use and no good

i failed myself
for not being able to do anything about myself

i failed myself
for not knowing myself enough

i do not even know who i am.
i do not know my true feelings, my true ability, my true self

who am i?

i do not know.

i will keep thinking. until i fall asleep. if, i ever will.

反思： 反覆思考， 反轉思路。

儉討吧你！
說話可不可以過濾干淨一點啊

天真
太天真

傷人
天真只有傷人
儉討吧你

邈視自己
如此的不懂情理
爛透了

此刻好想賜一巴掌
給愚蠢不成熟的自己
都已經年過二十一
行為卻如十八一般

可
這一巴掌
打得值得嗎？
打了
就會讓我瞬間成長？
並不會的
問題的根 更深更遠

唉
這個時候不是談論這些的時候….


﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣

我的內心
疑惑著
煩惱著
厭惡著
我自己

不滿
就是改變的開始吧
不是不愛自己 只是
愛不下如此不成熟 不醒目 不精 不足以讓我全心全意去愛的一個自己

也許 我應該把愛轉移了吧

博愛

好想 把愛 傳遞給更多更遠的大家
但在這一切之前
我需要一些時間消化掉這些負面的情緒
然後任清自己的能耐
從遠處眺望自己的一切可能
不會容易
但我真的很想 供應我小小的生命 為人纇存在的意義做一些什麼

時間不多
必須不斷增進自己的修養

青山多著呢
我卻才開始開發
燒柴的日子還遠
但我有毅力往前走

璇風襲擊地球

吹吧

盡情的
痴... 威...

也許
就是此刻
真的璇風才開始發威呢

吹啊﹋

aaa

4 days aaa
till the end aaa
of the aaa
the depletion of the bumbum aaa
yeah aaa

where am i?

counting down from 9.

...............

why am i constantly hungry???
hungry at 10.30pm despite having finished dinner at 8.30.

..............

back to journalism when countdown = 0.

..............

exchange. it's time to go back. barter system.
to save.
the
world.
humanity.

.............

books.
more knowledge needed.
overloaded with useless crap.

.............

the world.
is not safe.
humanity is depleting. so is the natural resources. the habitat and its inhabitants.

.............

back to basics.
the protein- like structure some trillion years ago.

............

nothing matters.
except living.

............

vitality.
positivism.
minimalism.

............

ditch technology.
consumerism.
materialism.

............

love.
learn to love.
love, to learn.
to learn love.
learn.
and love.

............

heart.
whole-hearted.
one-heart.
focus. use you heart.
用心
用，心。

............

officially 10.30.
and my world today stops here.
with bullying and schools.

when more important things, awaits........

%^$^&J&((*77&$#$%__>_(&^

泡湯！

心情泡湯

計划泡湯

希望泡湯

期盼泡湯

煩啊！！！

一個月

點算？開始有想玩的心態出現。非常非常之危險啊！

現在一切才即將開始

可否不要想那麼多無聊的玩意啊！

我要

自閉

一個月！

self(ish).

How i wish i can type Chinese faster on mac but it’s so impossible and hence i need to type in English which might not be my best language to express my often conflicting thoughts. But anyway, i shall continue. Or begin.

22 april 2008. I am anticipating for the day that i can finally count down to the end of undergraduate exam. I drilled so hard on FYP and dissertation. And now, before i start skimming through journals regarding ToM, rPFC and TPJ (dun worry abt understanding these abbr. becos u dun nid 2), I want to shift my intellectual brain to non-intellectual sectors of the world for a few moments first.

I have no time to think about the near future just yet. But i do plan to read extensively on things outside the academic world due to an increasing self-efficacy towards maturing my inner soul. I am empty within. I know so little, think so little and engage so little with the essence of the world – people. I am, however, no good at engaging interesting conversations with others, but I have no strong intention to change that just yet, not before I feel I have a better/broader/deeper understanding of the world and not just about myself. After this egoistic month of continuous telling myself every morning that “I believe I can fly”, it is time to embark on a different journey, one that is not poles apart from my life as an undergraduate but one that exceeds it and expands it. It, shall extrapolate the virtues, and strengthen my capability outside of the selfish regime, and the list goes on.

I have engaged too much time thinking out of the box, the “Come on i can finish this asap..” box. Time for some energy food (which is never lacking in my busy life), and back to square 1 - not one that traps itself and goes around a stupid circle, but one that extracts valuable intellectual materials from all regions of philosophies and thoughts and ideas, translating them to become relevant to the repertoire of the goal and scope of the square.

11.45am @ Gloria Jeans.

受寵若驚。

受寵若驚。
再也貼切不過了。

感恩。無盡感恩。
所有疼惜我的人，你們每一位，就像
天堂之下的守護神一樣
而此時
大家聚首在這裡
為我點亮心中的小燈
好讓我踏入人生下一段旅程時
更加勇敢 更加堅強
而這心燈
閃爍之際 更頓然領悟
是時候了
是時候收斂那些不可理喻的放縱
轉換放縱 成
指引心燈的能量泉源
一種成熟的蛛絲馬跡 因
那心燈若要永續燃燒
需要的是青山 那無盡的心念心愿
火乃活的
心燈的心 就是那隨風飄動卻不屈服於熄滅的意志
炯炯麼？不必矣。
毋寧是那星星之火
慢 卻更滿更漫長
人說 人生如戲 戲如人生
而我這一出
乃是火紅的 氣球翱翔記。



真的只有無盡感謝~
我還能要甚麼？

受寵若驚之後 我要從中摸索出人生的劇本…… 永待續。

birthdayku yang ke-21

9th April 2008
No matter what, the plan is to write a big “thank you” entry this birthday.

10th April 2008
One big “thank you” entry is not going to be enough. At least TEN.

***

I have so much going on in my mind right now. Since last night, since this morning, the whole afternoon, the whole day.

*should have ditched British lib as I didn’t gain much but lost something back there*

anyway…

Don’t take my facial expression and body language wrong! I REAAALLY AM SHOCKED! My relatively calm and unsurprised facial expression is merely an appearance that would then follow by a prolonged internally hyperactivity. Sorry for not being shocked enough. Whahaa..

Anyway, let me start with the thank-yous.

***
MR. M. yes. It’s only till today do I learn the true essence of your name. The Mysterious Mischievous Mike Tan Tsu Lin. What more can I say about your big big present. It was really unexpected! I think too much most of the time, but obviously not this time. A BIG THANK YOU! And it was your hell week isn’t it? The restaurant was just great! (great quality and GREAT quantity…). Awww and i love that necklace~ oh god! BEST SURPRISE PLANNER. (you do deserve being market planner of the month don’t you!!!)

Mr. Nekle and Madam Jane. Love you guys!!!!! Cant say enough. EVER.
The jetlagged mummy and papa’s pocket. Ohdear. A big hole there. And going to ballet black cos 你們任性的女兒訂了票 (how selfish of me.. ) BEST PARENTAL LOVE AWARD to you two~~ the bestdressed bestlooks bestsmile and the bestjokes bestcardwriter bestsupporter!

And… gajeh and keei keei!! Oh keeei keei!! YOUUUUUUUUU~ the best actress ever. I was suspicious abt things you asked me sometimes but.. not to this extent~~
I shall award keei keei the BEST ACTRESS/UNDERCOVER/SPY.

Gajeh~! You were so secretive too~ appearing suddenly out of your comfy msia home back in beeston.. haha. Thanks for the necklace ya~! It’s just great having you around everytime~ BEST SUPPORTING GAJEH!

Nice bag Seanny~ thanks for coming man! I mean… u missed your lesson~! And i just left quite abruptly the next day.. would really want to spend more time with you all… well. Maybe i could go to Madrid sometime yea~ anyway, you are awarded: BEST CUCINA DI ESPANOL. Credits for taking the easyjet. Its no where near easy.

BEST XUAN ER~jia xuan dear, to think about it, you are the most unexpected guest! And u just came back from finland with all those shitty weather~~ oh dear. U must be soooo exhausted… but thanks for the necklace. And the card. (and we realized we got to know each other right from the beginning of secondary?! Lol)

BEST ROSES…. Arlina~ aww. Don’t worry you are not blurrest that day. I must have been. Hhaha. Thanks for the cd too.

BEST SMS STALKER… my darling. I am so sorry that i didn’t reply. Thank you so much for the roses my dear.. i miss u too.. that’s why i am coming to see you. But nvm abt the licks ok. wahahaha ( i love how u made the “ü”, it’s so stalker-like.)
I am going to take my own sweet time to read those cards later on the train. It’s just the best place and time to read cards.

And everyone else~~ best greetings from near and far.
This is the best birthday in my life.
It will haunt me forever. Wahahaha.

繼續 安靜的 scream

作詞:丁曉雯 李明依 黃韻玲 作曲:黃韻玲

給我一個繼續的理由
因為我不想就這樣回家
給我一個繼續的理由
好讓我明天還能夠有夢
還能夠有夢
我一個人一個人在流淚
我一個人一個人親吻寂寞

***

SCREAM　　1997

也不是真的不要關心，也不是真的不曾介意
可我也不是真的拒絕這一切
只留下自己

也不是全都不理不聽
也不是真的無從繼續
可每一次我的試著堅強
都成了不得已的哭泣

I’m screaming, I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be mature someday but
‘til now it’s still in vain
I’m bearing. I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to go on this path
But you said I haven’t get the jests

也不是真的不要關心，也不是真的不曾介意
而你懂不懂我？　懂不懂
其實我心裡都珍惜

也不是全都不理不聽
也不是硬要顛反事理
可每一次我的試著靠近
都成了你看見的抗議

I’m screaming. I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be perfect someday
But ‘til now it’s still in vain
I’m bearing; I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be understood
But you said I haven’t had seen it yet
(but you said I haven’t see the points)

I’ll try it out; I’ll try it out
I’m trying out sometime
I’ll try it out someday

everyone ditch hallward!

i m soooo ditching this suffocating, self-containing, stale-aired, quiet-like-hell, oxygen-deprived, sleep-provoking, the-worst-place-to-work-in, metabolism-slowing, motivation-deteriorative, determination-ruining HALLWARD.

人生的填充題

我是真的有資格昇級了嗎？

很想告訴自己，大概應該也許可以了吧。可是，經過了這好几次的重復自我反省、自我評估，始終我過不了自己這一關。外人更不用說，一定取笑我了。

面臨進步的瓶頸，面臨對自己的能力與智慧的失望。
這關卡，即使時間給了我一個arbitrary的肯定，自己還是得 *填充題 * 以讓自己真真正正地過關吧。




你知道嗎？世上最好玩的感覺，就是麻木。
開心和悲傷，都比不上呢。

﹋

MUAAHAHAHAHAHA.


MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

**dingding***




拉邦我來啦﹋！





MUAAHAHAH.

blaaaaaah.

one of those days.

when i feel a bit lazy and not bothered and not wanting to do anything.
a one day vacation.
it's always the mondays.
the monday-blues.
but the thing is i just worked really hard on the sunday, and lying down on bed on the sunday thinking, is tmr monday? i thought today is friday? so technically monday blues should not apply to me?
but i think it's the annoying 11-1pm ed. psy lect. cos from my past experience, i work best at late mornings and late afternoons.

***

it happens.
when u no longer hv loads of lecture to attend ( and as a consequence loads of self-lecturing/self-reading/self-teaching to attend to).
u just keep working and working and before u realised it's saturday and then monday.

the problem is
i can't work on a monday.
the worse thing is
it's a monday night.
i am not a person that works at night.
at least i havent been for the past few weeks.

i wake up early (but not early enough these days). and i swear i will wake up super duper early to work super duper hard tmr.
*mental note: rmb to marinate the lamb steaks for dinner*

i am going to complain to myself right now.
i have so much so much to do. sorry because i shouldn't be complaining here as I should be holding onto the precious hours of the night and work but actually now i am having a bit of headache thanks to my eyes but thank the Lord now it's better.

okie... enuf of blaaaaah.
9.29.
maybe some data entry could do a bit of help - to sooth the headache.
以毒攻毒，真的行得通嗎？

Ansari and the Trition: part 2.

volume 2.

let's continue with the tale of Ansari and the Triton.

but do not forget, keifam plays a part in it as well. so I shall re-phrase my title as Ansari and the Triton: 11s and 12s.

ok. so nevermind about morning showers. I gave up. As long as i do get a shower. Going to 12s isnt bad. I get to watch 8tv news, realising how down-date I am with news back in Msia, all those politics. and Mr. Ong Kah Ting ( or watever), who loves appearing in the media every single day. advertisements, such as Brand's birdnest and the petronas CNY ads.... and 988. visited Gajeh for the whole week, reminiscing the broadgate days....

but then still... it's not good to disturb ppl wat... aiyooyo..

so i think on the monday. he attempts to fix the shower, WITH A BRAND NEW ONE. arent we all excited??!!
however to our dismay, there was a problem with the accuracy of the dimensionality of the machine. it doesn't fit the narrow space of the existing Triton. Poor Ansari. He has to search high and low once again. It's even worse than.. choosing birthday gift for your fussy dad. Which tie does he like? The blue stripy one or the velvety red one?

隔日。

三顧茅盧。

這次準沒錯了吧
總不可能要量身定作一架替換品吧
區區一個不起眼 卻原來如此重要的發明啊
沒有了你 我的生命開始發愁發臭
沒想到原來之前一直忽略您的健康
都是我不好
可為何要如此絕情
說死就死啊？！

***

anyway... wat was i saying just then? ah yes. the dimensionality issue. dealt with.
next day. he arrived with another Triton. My position: Jubilee Campus Business Library. MSN.

K: KeeiKeei. D: DaanDaan.

D: I think I am coming back now. going to gajeh's.
K: okie.
K:WAIITTTTT
K: He's here!
K: Give him some time.
D:ok
D:....
D: (pending)
D: (hmm...)
D: ???
D: helloooooo......
K:okie. The shower didn't fit.
D: AGAIN?!! &%*^&. kinda expected it anyway... I think you should give him a ruler to
measure the dimension of the shower PLEASE.
K: nooo.
K: it's the pipe, apparently.
D: OH.
D: it's just another excuse isn't it? next time he will say it's the wrong voltage
K: huh?
D: OH AHAHHAHAHA.

and then it was Thursday. and then Friday.
親愛的你，到底在哪裡？

Friday 7am. aaaaargh. SOOO FREAKING TIRED. i carried 3 freakin bags to school: backpack with academic stuff, huge hand bag and shower bag.
okie.. gogogo. sports centre here i come. I will shower till the last min before SNR3 begins.
7.30am.

sorry miss. the changing room doesnt open till 9am.

#$*^(*&)(*_()R%GHK^%^

RIGHT.

nvm i'll just feel very bleh and go to SNR then.
the girl with 3 bags walks heavily from sports centre to trent.
and she discovers a shower. A SHOWER ROOM. ooooooo salvation!!!!!!!!!!!
such high technology the best shower head i have seen for ages oh my god so excited it's even a shower room and no one's there and oh my god I can have my own shower area and hey it's quite clean oh so happy and oh so smart that i brought my hair dryer and ohh I LOVE YOU KEEI KEEI if not i might walk there being so tired and having the best shower in ages.

***

home.

a car. in front of 13.

identified a guy clossing the booth.

the girl with 3 bags 低頭側臉

***

YY: hello.
DD: Is the shower fixed?
YY: Yes!
DD: ....

***

I just discovered my favorite shower....... and now we have a brand new Triton. not fair!
oh well. it's always good to get back to square 1, aint it?
and this calls for a halt as the entry is getting way too long.
dat's it!

Ansari and the Trition: part 1.

dedicated to our dear landlord, Mr. Ansari.

We love our landlord.

He spend his pass time coming round our house, helping us fix the easiest chores there is for a man to do, like changing a bulb.

Recently, he finds himself in a position of difficulty. One that challenges his repertoire of "the responsibility of a landlord" checklist; he realised he needs to fix the shower. hmm. If I were him, I will spend some money to get a technician and get them to fix the bloody shower. However, our ever so 熱心的地主 decides to try his luck to overcome the dysfunction of the wiring system of the triton. I shall now begin the tale of: Ansari and the Trition.

***

Volume I:

It was 8.08am in the morning of wednesday, as Yeung Yeung jumps down to a bright sunny day, she identified a problem found in the bathroom. The shower is broken.

hmm. okkkk... so what now? no morning shower! what the hell? I need this shower... I mean i have been showering in the morning for the past few months, hoping to get a kick start to a day as I wake myself up with the hot steam and the aroma of shower gels and fragrant of organic shampoosss.. $%^O&*P**(^&&GW

8.12am.

Hi Ansari. Our shower is not working. Can you come as soon as possible to fix it? This is urgent. Thank you so much.

Later in the morning, as I was sipping a soy latté, he called. AMAZING! for once a problem will be solved so soon. Awww don't we just love our landlord~~ good good. new shower soon to come.. yay.

And then later...

he told me it was a problem within. A mechanical fault in the operation of the shower, hence no water shooting out of the shower head.
woo.. okie. problem identified. solution? yes, find a new shower that fits. and tmr it shall be. a brand new shower. finally something new to add on to this refurbished yet still ever-so-old house.

but... I must have been dreaming!?!

the C.O.R.R.E.C.T. shower machine or whatever you call that (boiler? mixer? ) did not turn up till 9 days later.

the 9 days of not showering at home. I will tell you how keifam cope with it, in the next volume.

till then.
it's sleep time.

the E and the GO

delete
deleting
deleted.

remove the negative energy from this blog and start anew.

think positive.
to win is to think win.

revive
reviving
revived.

revive the good energy good thoughts good feelings.
ultimately
self is the rival
to win or to lose
a matter of overcoming the ego within
to achieve or to fail to achieve
to be or not to be
is a question of competing against depletion of the confidence

to move on and keep moving on
hence
is the key

無

二度吶喊

AAA...................



























........AAA

無助的感覺

很
無
能。

失聲會很悲哀的。

請原諒我

我是真的很想

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


AAAAAAA


AAAAAAAAAA





A
A
A
A
A
AAAAAAAAAAAAA


抱歉，失聲了。

出眾

鶴立雞群的
僅是那
高度 吧

大年初一的腦海

平凡

有什麼好；有什麼不好
就是沒有什麼好；沒有什麼不好
可是今天
天空還是有那麼一點點的
小灰

終究證明
那智慧是天生的宿命
那我的宿命
真的不在這裡
不小心路過
然後就這樣停留了三年

好吧
反正都這樣了
那就這樣下去吧
為了完成而完成
為了繼續而繼續



可是心裡面那深得不見五指的心谷
是有些不甘的
只是多少年了
一直用現實狠狠狠地拍拍拍
讓它保持發麻的狀態
麻
麻木麻醉........

請定義 那智慧

些許 困惑
努力不懈與成功
明明沒有絕對交集
卻死都要死撐
只因為要 對得起良心的譴責

不管了
後無退路
就讓慣性定律帶我飛吧

the art of bull.ness.

the BULL shit that i have to finish
it's torturing, BULLying
often do i
feel like the BULL in the espanol
frantically 橫衝直撞 just to fight that person dat u will never win anyway
你永遠不會勝過對方的戰爭
因為真正的敵人
是那頭蠻牛
是那頭不講道理不問原由不管三七二十一
stubborn 硬頸 執著



給我
一罐
蠻牛

也許我是需要的

***

突然好想讀 journalism
好想把自己陷進妙想天開的國度
遠離那些 因為 empirical evidence 而存在的領域

那是.... 藉口吧
翩翩地
飄飄地
因為自己的飄渺
所以決定坦誠相對 去面對
真正 會讓我
快活
快樂過活 的生活模式
更接進記憶庫裡那塊
熟悉的消遣

抑或是
我一直在消遣自己？
怪有趣的.....

快速尋找屬于我的生活
那是快活的最低要求
也是快活僅有的意義

***

夢夠了沒
醒醒吧
那蠻牛精神何去何從？
has it gone flushing down the toilet bowl
or is it hiding in the fridge --> in the redbull?

***

很無聊 ho~
這就是本尊此時此刻的
心情寫照
captured emotion
at a glance.

***

...or sing. sing a sing, make it simple, to last a whole night long.
how simple. if life is abt singing, blogging. how unchallenging.

***

很多時候覺得自己沒什麼用 小學年年名烈前茅 中學so-so啦 還有第一第二班可以呆一下 大學嘛 簡直被埋在人才擁擠的人海中.....

***

in conclusion to the above paragraphs of coherent and at the same time incoherent thoughts, i proposed the bullness shall commence tmr.
rmb dat spanish bullfight?
no matter the end results, 撞死先算。

***
off to the dreamland. where i always vaguely dream abt smth and always manage to forget them when i wake up the next day. my brilliant brain. how i love it.

關於....

travel with ur heart.

actually, i really hate my blog title. becos it totally spells out what i m made out of and only made out of. i only noe how to learn things when i feel it with my heart and that does not always happen. i can nod my head but not nod my heart.

***

and tonite. i travelled the 2-hr journey completely with my heart. and dat made me feel good and bad. good becos i feel comfortable following the emotional flow and bad becos i got stuck. STUCK.


我為亦先生默哀一分鐘



















聰明一生，糊塗一時。那就夠了吧。
所以我還是甘做一個平凡的女人。

無情。
世上沒有人是無情地。
在於
何時展露頭緒




代價
付出的遠比沒有之前
來得痛苦


一念之間



慾念 慾望
一切的 慾
過了頭
等待你的只有失去


***

dun think i can articulate my thoughts further. just, let them be.
2352
the new train shall depart.. again.

d;iv*de/d $3|F.

it's time to get back on the marathon

it's still a long way. i noe.

but 2 1/2 passed by so quickly, and the 1/2 left is not the time to stop and look at an interesting tree at the road side or sit down at the bench and stare at the sun.......

i shud just keep on walking and running and sprinting..

ahead right ahead. look back to correct yourself but not to indulge yourself in the past.

but before dat....

***

彷彿失去聯絡了 我的朋友
一直任為 你是唯一那位
不離不棄的 最佳安慰
陪同我回味那些事過境遷
帶領我走入更多未知的精彩

抱歉 我偶爾 習慣你 太多
可 慶幸有你愛我我才
記得在那每每 夕陽無限好之後
我依然有 我依戀 我眷戀的 靠岸

****

okokokok.. END.

u aaa.. just cant stop blogging abt some random shit come on la.. wat time liao..9.42 u shud freakin work and stop getting stuck on blogging addicted to singing.............yoooooooooooooooooorrr!

post-exam. ?

sooooo

wat's next?

come on

it's really not the best time to get demotivated right now so pick up yourself and get on with it or else whatever you have been doing for the past few weeks will just go down the drain

pre-exams part 2.

the psychological indigestion as far as the food of mind is concerned. this means
too much food to digest yet still a lot of food left. and it also means
to choose what to eat: what to digest fully, what to just eat and not feel the taste and texture.

and the correlated event are as follows:
the physically inexpressiveness
due to the enduring hours of being in a fixed position. in addition
the immobility of staying put
in the stale space and fast-moving tick-tocking of an invisible power.
consuming the body gruesomely
diminishing the muscles and building upon the wrong part to deposit extra amount of stuff due to the consequences mentioned in the last post.

the imbalance of the body and mind.
the integration of the vulnerable shell and the immortal spirit.

關於考試

the consequences of exams:

physiologically fattening and psychologically slimming.

daan's place

cafe is daan's place. no place beats a cafe.

where there is a cafe, there is a progress.

cafe is therefore the place to be.

y the hell no public transport on new year's day.

delaying my usual progress.

if it's not for new year's day, i will just be totally upset.




tmr, double progress, needed. keep ur promise.

too much.. way tooo much!

someone...SOMEONE...

throw away all the snacks at home ppplllleeaaassssee......

a week off... and now back to reality!

how far will destiny take you to, is not the only question i m concerned with right now.

so i dun care if my destiny is a trap door or a dead-end or a new path to a new beginning, i just need all the will power i ever need to concentrate and become bombastically commited to work like a cow.

C.O.W.

aaaaa



who took away my motivation my determination my strength my will power

OKKKK

tmr tmr tmr.. wake up at 6am work till 6pm

YES EVERY SINGLE DAY, I SHALL.




marathon has just begun.
it shan't end till 11.1
stamina building has been done
and after the long-awaited rest
i shall get back into my track suits
and get ready for the real challenge towards the interim finishing line
before i deserve the next break

moderation

holiday, erm, i mean study leave is here to stay. for good.

so where is christmas going to bring me to this year? not too sure yet.



all i noe is, currently i m in a moderate mode. moderate is when

u r not preoccupied with anything but at the same time occupied with something;
not taking things too seriously - not in moods of, "i dont want to work..." or "oh gosh i have to work!!!!!";
not in an especially sad/emo or happy/hyper mood;
not in desperation of.. pretty much anything;

and above all... what i really mean by moderation is,
the feeling of content.
and i have been like that, for the whole day.
seize the day, or the night till the end, i shall.
it's not like that everyday u noe.

maybe, a good breakfast helped a lot;
maybe, accomplishing the littlest thing of showing ur concern to others, helped as well;
maybe, seeing people that u hvt seen for a long time, helped too;
maybe, being at the right place at the right time, with a partial planning towards it, helped all the same;

yeap. that's all with update.

such a rational/lack of extremity post update. so un me but yet so me. ^^

WAIT. .. .....

anticipating for the realisation of error is just driving my nerves all over the place and then not returning the firing neurons into the correct place and causing many imbalance in the neurotransmitter and the post and pre synaptic clefts are going wild too.

de-tragedised, the great, gatsby.

no i m not going to fail my expectation;

this is just the beginning;

the old chinese proverb, i shall now announce, will not apply to my current situation;

there is no way one could succeed without having to fall down, a few times, in a row;

rmb the story of the bulb and the inventor;

think about moving forward;

positivism and optimism is the way to go;

boats rowing against the current, but i shall not borne back ceaselessly into the past. 

未完成

一號接近尾聲，可堆上來要做的事情好像，有增無剪。

2007年最後一個月的起端，見到了一位久違的舊同學。真開心。想一想，那些曾經一起追夢的歲月，都似乎隨著接觸現實殘酷的爪而逐漸引退。然而，為了夢想，我們還是願意堅持，直到自己不再擁抱那股熱誠為止。

夢想，之浩大之可塑性之浪漫之瘋狂，使得我們經常為之懷舊放縱硬硬來。

那是，少年時的瘋狂往事。
而我，想要大膽的，重踏那段，未完成。

從最初到最終 ﹣《蛋蛋於妙想科學》之首部曲

從最初到最終 ﹣《蛋蛋於妙想科學》之首部曲

窗口邊體驗星巴克的感覺
原來比咖啡因更上一層樓

有朝一日
璇風一定會出版文藝寫真



卡路里開始升級
臉部肌肉面臨澎湃橫向延伸
不祥也 不祥也

十萬火急！！！！！！！！！！！


11.37am 16/11
沉溺入咖啡文化
淪陷完成77%中的0.18
我的未來
掌控在璇風於星巴克之間的小邂逅
那個天空似清晨的late morn.


12.53pm 16/11
靜坐不語 食指大動
緩緩灌淨 一大杯耶誕香
十指緊緊貼進
灰白電腦鍵盤
不覺時間已近13


2.50pm 16/11
沉溺 沉淪 沉陷
沉著 沉悶 沉睡

2.54pm 16/11
...

10.47am 17/11
一日之計在於晨
tuning into – downtempo netmusique.


1.31pm 18/11
吃了什麼
如此疲憊
需要些什麼
挽救離走的魂魄
歸還邂逅精髓
擁抱智者群眾
脫俗優物 鶴立萬物之上
那將是我往前踏步的方向

3.32pm 18/11
ginger loaf cake and Christmas blend please.
星巴克之中漫延開來的
耶誕音樂
耶誕情愫
何時才會到我
何時耶誕才像耶誕
耶誕糕再來一口
耶誕香再來一口

3.48pm 18/11
真的要這樣嗎？



9.21am 19/11
6hrs till deadline.
今天我一定要克服hallward.

4.01am 19/11
如果努力有用的話，那要頭腦干嘛？！

get fused into the lisa-ono-ness of.. life.

if i get to choose a life, i would be satisfied with mine.

i cant believe this ME is actually a university 3rd yr student waiting to receive the 1st ever ( and most likely the last, or not?) undergrad degree yet sitting here blogging abt how she is enjoying her life as the person who enjoys food with a twist of french cross italian slash japanese fusion and all that jazzes her. and yes that would include some lounge music with a blend of jazz a twist of blues and anything that could linked in with melancholy.

oh dear.


anyway, i m glad i chose to be the way i am now.

subtle experiences in life form parts of your personality though it might only exert when the context is right. and very often when u make decision in life you need to be in the correct state of emotionality as well. hmm. seems like i m not making much coherent sentences in this paragraph. but anyway, i was just trying to say, it's all down to timing and opportunity.

so do the right thing at the right time.

when it's time to laze around, then just stare at the faraway shadings of blue and orange and spend your dinner with the sunset.
and when it's time to hand in your assignment, consolidate ideas while you are toiletting and question the validity of your arguments when you are showering. at least that's what i might do.

okie. that's it for tonite. time to prepare yet another exciting dinner, to say goodbye to october and hello to november.

poems are fun to express the unexpressable.

也許是執著 也許是尋覓 也許是回憶

totally stubborn
yes i am
holding onto that something
which creeps inside and perhaps beyond me
into the definition of
my self-identity

i m not tired
no i m not
i shall prove to myself
yes myself
that all this is no burden
they r just part of me
naturally
not becos of the past, future, present
but it just comes naturally...

dat's y i m doing all this .


there is no end until i find out
the causality behind the truth that is yet to be explored

soon
that will be
the 'soon' that is not too far away



and it continues...

the brand new,.. me?

how has life been treating me?

***

it's been.. really quite some while. since i last blog, blogged abt taiwan.. and those days where i feel comfortable sitting under a tree, listening to voice of nature, feeling the sunset, amuse myself with the everchanging clouds, and the appearance of the smiling moon..

and months later, i find myself, sitting here in nottingham, on a not-so-comfy dining chair, typing away just cos i feel bored and wanted a rest from work. well, not dat i worked a lot already. but yea, i need an interim break? lol. made up word.

off to my 1st dance lesson for this semester, sem 5. it's one of those things, or one of those days dat i look fwd to. maybe i just love being alone too much. mark my words, not being lonely, but being alone.

for the fact of my fondness of lonesome, i lost the sense or more like i never had the ability to communicate with another person properly, and especially when i m stress/nervous/panic. argh. dat is definitely one BIG THING dat i hate abt myself.

dat's wat brought me back to this little corner of mine. to talk thru myself, abt my shortcomings and how can i improve it.

not easy. definitely not. but thru more exposure and experience, i truely hope i will improve. maybe i need to get part time jobs to get myself more charismatic. i need it, for survival. yes, it's dat bad....

oh well, i dont exactly want to be too negative abt myself here.

yes. looking fwd to a brand new saturday. and then, it will be back to working mode. i need it for 3rd yr. my expectations r high for this yr. i need to achieve a certain amt of success, before i can actually allow myself to pursue a dream, the dream.

ok. dat's it folks. will meet again, when i m nearer to my dreams.

臺灣東海岸之旅

對臺灣的認知

大部分停留在臺北的高樓

西門町的巷子

誠品書店

不打烊的7-11

***

但是 臺中花蓮之旅過後

就整個不一樣了

往花蓮沿途的咖啡車車

還有陪伴著一杯杯的曼特寧的枯樹月色

接下來的一天，更探討了石窟的奧秘，還有仰望更加奧秘的藍天白雲....

可是，這一切只不過剛剛起頭。更心曠神怡的還在後頭。

因爲，我們住進了我個人認爲，獨具“后現代浪漫”主義的民宿 — 光宿。

還趁機翻一翻這裡女主人的CD收藏

然後盡量妥協只有一把風扇能夠給予的涼快的...樂趣？

不過這裡的生物倒是別有風味，如這一只蝴蝶....




月亮呢，總是默默地守候，待夕陽西下之后，為漁民照亮。
真的，來到這裡，才體會到，月亮的偉大。只可惜，沒有月光照亮海面的照片為証...





理所當然的，這種地方給予的靈感，可是無限多的。
如果讓我住上一個月，我會考慮出一本“流連東海岸之詩情畫意”....



更有趣的是，這裡有一個叫做春天的猛男，開了一閒只有一座的餐廳。鮮少接觸城市的文化，卻可以煮出一些口味十分Fusion的菜色。了不起啊！我妹也因此偷偷喜歡上他，2 個晚上。哈。

那麽，既然這麽喜歡這裡，我怎麽又是一副臭臉呢？答案：曬斃了！

旅途中，肯定少不了拍一些很有感覺/FEEL的照片啦....

不過呢，還是不忘自拍一下下.. 看看這兩位，拍到幾爽？！

最後豐盛的原住民大餐，更讓我見識了貨真價實的正派臺灣石頭火鍋！原來啊，使用熱騰騰的石頭，當作另類/傳統加熱器，將鍋裏的東東加熱！百聞不如一見！

然而，我是多麽不捨啊。飛機之下的雲層，願意再次帶我到遠離都市的桃源嗎？

初步计划

荒废了这里好久了.. 真是不应该的。

***

这些放纵的日子里，我的脑袋可是没有怠慢下来的。
在想，到底以后的我，该做一些什么有意义的事业。

一直想完成梦想。一个翩翩的梦。
可是，我弄不清楚，那些梦，是回忆的后遗症，还是未来的所有。

到底，我还要这样下去多久呢？
是因为没有好好说再见的关系吗？为什么 总觉得 老是和那一些回忆 纠缠不清？

多少年了 往前看 好不好？

***

好吧。那如果真的不能摆脱那些梦想 干脆去面对吧
于是 我开始计划
毕业后 给自己一年的时间 去探索那一些翩翩的飞舞生活方式 是否是我想要的
然后呢
就看着办吧

而 接下来的一年
必须先修好这一门学士学位
以后的路 怎么走都好
既然已经差不多到寒窗三年的终点了 就应该有始有终的 对自己 对父母 都有一个交待

加油

the last of the 180 marathon

last 180

pleeaaaasseeee

i need smth good

smth more than good

let the last 180 be the best ever 180 minutes in my life

oh gosh

y am i saying this




anticipating... with hope

180是个宿命的记号

用180分钟准备
在准备后的180分钟之后开始
然后在180分钟之内结束



还有多少 180 需要 继续 承受 下去



谁都好，请为我 默默往正面祈祷。

死因(II)

瘫痪在一摊
需要重新面对的数目字
我不想 真的不想
有什么可以 挽回我的钻牛角尖

为什么那个牛角尖死了都要针对我
为什么那个牛角尖早不钻迟不钻
偏偏在我生命唯一的180分钟里面开始不停地钻

It’s so XXX straight-forward
And u just can’t see the XXX point

悲
愤

无法解开了
无法

请赐我睡眠
让我醒来以后忘记这一切发生过的蠢事
就当作
那些愚蠢的180分钟
是我梦境里的所有

也许
明天之后
我可以考虑转行了

做一个
钻牛角尖的诗人
也许
这样子会比较快活一些

死因

我 需要 勇气

失败的可能性太高的时候

我 真的 需要 勇气

勇气 去面对 自己不堪的过去
而这不堪的过去 即将变成更加不堪的未来

不堪
因为不堪
所以更不堪

一百八十分钟
决定生死的 一百八十分钟


我

死

了

。


终结

Work, Stress and Statistics.

try combining:

a) milk with stress

b) coffee with stress

c) milk with coffee with stress


what do u get?


Diarrhoea.

31.5 · 9.6 · 16.6

一些梦 原来是如此地真实
画面渐渐离我远去
然而 感觉贴近心境
就 这种 感觉
没有让我伤悲或疲惫
就因为这种感觉
我的阴天仿佛比别人的多了朝气
就因为这样的梦境
即使没有什么预兆性能和可信度
却更让我下定决心
先好好搞定
现在现时间的
苦境与困境

艳阳天里我不远了

我的 31.5 · 9.6 · 16.6

帮个忙啦~！

救命啊！

睡神暂时不要来找我！贪吃鬼也快快滚蛋！

我只想专心的读书啊！

Sun-Breeze.

Gusts of wind

Rhythmically blowing upon my opened window

Was it the sunshine

Shimmering through the azzuriness of the skyline

Or was is the chilliness of the moving air that

made my mind rested on

rested on an island of peacefulness and that jetty kopitiam

How I wished my lips are sipping up

a mouthful of jagungness that shivers my teeth and spine

yet fulfilling my needs

of ice and of cold

to complement a sweaty and sandy day

and then gazing beyond the schematic nature of fire

of which the azzuri united with the fading glow of the orange ball

until finally

I decided to return

To retreat to the cosiness of an array of homely feast

And while the night began to settle

I soon find myself lying beneath

Constellations of little eyes

Those great eyes

The ancestors of the circle of life

Brought back memories of the late grandfather

Which I incidentally dreamt of before I rose this day…

Receiving first the blessings from this perfect day

I rejoice and retract inwards

To continue my search of the divine truth

With the accompaniment of fellow Greek Thinkers

And when the temporal damnation comes to an end

I shall once again revisit my dreams

The dream of tranquil and subtle joy

And the passion that nourishes the desiring soul

春天的心 去了哪里？

春末
带点 秋天的心
秋天的 愁

仅只一次
仅只一天
好 吗？

蓝

蓝色的我
蓝色的你

昨日的连身校裙
今日的万里无云

蓝得可以平躺在大草原
因为蓝得够恰当 蓝得够意思
所以懒得去管
无法着床脑细胞的讲义

望着慵懒的你
还有你 和你
那个不愿下班的2点钟光芒
那个永不休止的摇曳和婆娑
我的思绪开始偏离正题 被吹到
一闪而过的 水连天天连水的夕阳无限好
然后停留数秒在 走廊木桌上未吃完的三明治
深一深呼吸 又是那股变形湖的青苔味
然后停止了
回到挂着等待风儿吹干的衫裤
回到窗外依旧艳阳高照以及有时还蛮烦人的风
以及那个被埋在千张万张纸张里的我

@ 祁家 Flat 6 Junipers
一个万里晴空的星期二
一个不像傍晚六点一刻的傍晚六点一刻

待续的快乐

春假已过
迎接夏日之前
让我先好好地冲刺
然后从记忆中
重新捡回艳阳高照的午后
涌入35度的怀抱里

倒数计时
7周飞快的7天7夜

冲向所有期待的
冲向一切渴望的 ....

待续的快乐
才刚刚起了头
继续
等待 吧

安息吧~

今早见
白花瓣满地散
春天即将终结
凄美的终结

刚才的午后
收到一通miss call
播回去之后 发觉
窗外的白色凄美
好像 让我了痛了一些
不想离去 却非得离开不可
时间终结小白花的小生命
也终结了 外公曾经那老当益壮的臭皮囊

灵魂依旧存在
在某个国度或时空
衷心祈祷未来一切更好
如果您的那个世界 还存在未来这一种观念

终于 您都自由了
完成了今世的使命
来生 若有来生
希望一切更加美好幸福

安息吧 终于都能脱离 肉体的苦难 得到一种提升 一种 禅

生日快乐

20. it was 10 year ago since there's a number '0' in my age.

the yester years of the 10s; the symbolic number of the anticipation towards a new phase in life.

life is too short to ask for too much, on a special day like this.

how many more such special days can there be anyway?

***

睡眼惺忪，窗户的缝隙，透出微光 - 比平时的朝阳薄弱了许多。

天空灰灰的，我悄悄祝贺自己，生日快乐。

天空灰灰的，我大声告诉自己，无论怎样，生日应该要开开心心，把阳光放在心上。

***

感谢妈妈爱睡到不得了还特意来电并send sms，真的感动了；
感谢爸爸的生日卡；
感谢妹妹的生日卡？ 不知道算不算，不过真的很cute呢！ (ps: u shud giv credit to AR and popo too laaa~~~）。

感谢祁家的easter b'day cake, 真的很喜欢，很感谢有你们的陪伴，让我生日不孤单。

感谢99老友团的贺语，好想回马亲口对你们说声谢谢，然后重游阳光沙滩.......

感谢猫猫的生日礼物，虽然还没有收到；感谢所有所有，祝贺我的朋友们，想起我的朋友们...



也感谢，这一天，阴阴的天空。没有你的灰色心情，就衬托不出我的快乐喜悦，我静静的外在世界，我翻滚着雀跃心情的内心世界。

system in need of a restart...

system breakdown

virus attack

nerdy mode has been switched to safe mode

system restarting

scanning in progress

.
..
.
..
.
..
.

virus detected!

to continue, send to quarantine

repair using motivation and determination



to avoid future disruption to system

please allow no external/internal distraction

and control for new virus/trojan attack by scanning on a daily basis


end of scanning

please allow system to rest and start up again on a nice bright sunny day :)

time to be nerdy

begin

.
.
.


shean
is
now
programmed
to

nerdy
mode


.
.
.


end

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

如果今天可以永远持续下去
感觉我的假期 只持续了一个晚上
也许 是因为这样
不够 不足够


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
除了无助的呐喊之外
也没有别的方法了
就让我 释放一下 没有假期的感觉好了

我要....

把拔 玛迷

你们快点来探望我啦

好不好啊




傻女

佢哋都睇唔到啦




係咯

算罷啦

PASSION~

if i do not have obligations, obligations that do not encompasses passion

if i only have passion, passion that are important to life, society and the world, passion that are beneficial not only to myself as a selfish being but as an individual that could contribute in some sort of way to the big society

if only.. i can live on.. with just having p.a.s.s.i.o.n.
and perhaps
nothing else


yes
i am still
my selfish self

8

yaaay

my feet actually fits into size 8!

wahaha

太好啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦~

天气心情运气时机

都好好好好好好啊





太好了

真的太好了




好

要开始好好努力啦

心头大石放下

真的放下了

一切的努力等待与寻找

有了着落

有了好的结果

只是 我开心到极点，还是不会掉泪的



哇哈哈

YIPPIE chap goh meh~

新年正式结束！15days of 吃喝玩乐，15days of 放肆.. well not exactly, but quite a few record-breaking events to add to my list...

yeap. a day of full-cooking, emerse in a total m'sian atmosphere.. YIPPIE.

yeap. a day of no lab reporting when lab is due the next day. YIPPIE.

yeap. a day of rain rain rain and going to fresh asia twice to get stuff. YIPPIE.




TMR. wake up 7am... lab lab lab till i feel mentally dehydrated and physically exhausted. breakfast and lunch? we'll see.



I LOVE TODAY. WAHAHA.



~daan daan crazy liao~

矛盾 的 我

为什么明明

蓝色的天空伴随白色的云朵

我却偏偏

爱反复重播着

灰色的心情？

Now playing:

礼物 - 黄立行

生日快乐 - 刘若英

完整演出 - 黄义达

D R I V E N

D.R.I.V.E.N.




i was driven by..
music
eye contact
physical
mental
emotions
strength
drastic
changing
sudden
lights
transluscent
ongoing
muscles
limitations
jealousy
intimacy
caring
desire
ego
death
rise
closeness
hatred
likes
passion
lost
wanting
freedom
pressure
pleasure
relations
chemistry
reality
fantasy
.....
....
...
..
.



there're no limits to the interpretation of
the
dance.

猪年快乐！

猪年的定义：煮煮煮，吃吃吃，然后变成猪猪猪!

感恩祁家上上下下，一同努力让彼此的农历新年不乏家的温暖...

至大家姐：即使你明年不与我们同住，但是你依然是我们祁家的一分子。明年的农历新年，一定要再次创造纪录！

至羊羊：鬼点子多，怪表情多，欢乐贡献良多。感恩。

至祁祺：嗯.. 一切尽在不言中.. 感觉我们已经是，形影不离了..Hahhaaha.. thanks for being tolerant and understanding. :)

至自己：不是所有人都那么地幸福的... 要好好珍惜...

猪年快乐！

回顾，丁亥之前...

偷偷来到了这里, 过足自由的瘾...







然后，回想着2006，妈咪不舍地说了拜拜…







乘着火车，趋向一个叫异乡的地方…








一路陪伴我的白雪、车轨、蓝天、白云，还有mp3的音乐；我，并不孤单..







回到温暖的祁家… 空气蔓延着黑墨的气味时，我没有因为想家而心寒了...






...多亏，那些一起共难的日子...




..还有为着烤烤烤而努力的热诚...










就这样 农历新年悄悄填饱了冰箱..




而饭厅的角落，多了前所未有的大红..






新年来咯！



满，满，满！！！

新年篇，待续…

人群中·孤单

迷 惘 。

曾几何时
我走进一条 康庄大道
与我同行的陌生路人
嘘寒 问暖

曾几何时
康庄大道
人影稀疏了
逆风频密吹着
催化逃避
让冷清加温 升华

曾几何时
生活圈子 变得小 渺小
走路总是低头
面对风景 微笑
面对似曾相似脸孔 点头
不说一句 再见你好

曾几何时
康庄大道 不在
被推挤到
羊肠小道

曾几何时
蹲坐在路旁
呼吸着鞋纹间灰尘的味道
凝望着风景
此时 风 也停了
嘈杂人群 听不到
心跳 随着喧闹
销声匿迹 灭了 散了

可以做永远的诗人吗？

又来了 又来了
不想做任何动脑筋的事情
那些我认为动脑筋的事情
我宁愿 静静坐在这里 写一百首
不折不扣的打油诗
然后全部用ctrl A highlight起来
delete掉
然后 到厨房 倒一杯柳橙汁
欣赏着 那些新年的零食
假期到底为何这样快离我而去
就像酒精蒸发掉一样永远离去
一去不复返
时日不重返
我生待明日
待 待 待
待到今年夏天的冰淇淋
明年春天的樱花树
后年秋天的红色枫叶
一生中 到底什么最值得留念 留恋 流连？
流连忘返 在去年海边的疯
依依不舍 在若干年前心头的痛
总是要绕一个大圈
才做对一些事情
也许若干年后 又会开始后悔当年的任性
就像现在惋惜没有把握从前的美好一样
惋惜后悔
没有时间 珍惜现今
然后 重蹈覆辙
重复着惋惜后悔的动作
十足一个不倒翁
永远不懂得前进
只懂 失望时往后退 奢望是往前盼

一二二二的星期一夜半
我醒着 清醒着
而心 却很想醉倒在夏日绵绵的热风中...

假的进步

亲爱的读者，

我曾经说过，我很喜欢我家外面的小庭院。

今天，运动洗澡之后，坐在靠背的木椅上，读着藤井树的《寂寞之歌》，也一同跟随着情节发展陷入了层层叠叠的寂寞里头。

寂寞，总是激发我的思绪，我的敏感神经。

就在这时候，我稍微离开了黑色的《寂寞之歌》一下下，观察着四周我喜爱的庭院。赫然发觉，一切的一切，都是，假象。原来，所有的人，都爱上了假象。

先说说自己好了。

我喜欢绿意荡漾的庭园。竹子树立木栅前，像是守卫着我们小小的家一样。还有最近光顾了南洋然后却因为眷恋这里而不想就此离去的雨神，为我们的石头小径增添了薄薄的绿衣裳。难得的青苔，真想把他们搬回去放在那些陈年的盆栽上。坐在这里，眼神摆放在距离最舒服的远方，泳池的粉蓝色，就在瞬间把我从美景里用力地来了出来。

假瀑布流向假的水池制造出假的水声让你感觉到仿佛身在森林里某个会让你心旷神怡放松紧张情绪的度假旅行当中。

围绕着泳池、那些傲气逼人的棕榈树，瀑布后面让你跑步跑到气喘如牛的跑步机......

写到这里，我的矛盾本质已经不容许我在这样写下去了。

我们活在这个世界，也许不可以要求得太多。就像我要回到用写信交流，用双足环游世界，为生活而生活的年代。

是的。我向往一个大自然的空间。可是，无可否认，我也同时很爱坐在街头巷尾，喝喝蓝山，吃吃松饼蛋糕之类。从前的从前，要得到前者易如反掌，后者是贵族独有的奢华享受。可是，今时今日，情况却是恰恰相反的。真正的大自然所剩无几，而且可贵到需要被列入受保护名单的地步，至于后者，咖啡厅如雨后春笋，比比皆是。

要跟着时代进步而进步。但是，想一想，何谓“进步”？而这“进步”的以后的以后，又是如何的呢？进步再进步再进步，然后再然后再然后呢？

雨停了。也许就只有天气，是永远不变的。



璇风随笔

say 88 to AB

Good Morning!

I can't believe I woke up at 7am this morning, thanks to my right nostril that itched me to consciousness. It must have been some germ attack or something. I just could not remain in a horizontal position any longer.

Thankfully, after 3 days and 3 nights of marothon-ing with my portege on the unbearable-turned-historical Annotated Bibliography, I could confidently say that I am a better journal-skimmer. no more AB for good. u hv no idea how thankful grateful delightful cheerful joyful I am. U HV NO IDEA.

but to add on to that, i managed to eat at crystal jade la mian xiao long bao, brewed tea "professionally" for the first time using mum's tea tools, cooked garlic fried rice for the first time using my own method and it tasted great, watch 2 episodes of My Girl eventhough i've watched the whole series before.

I can't believe I am now in the position of packing already. I thought I wanted to go back to UK badly but now it seemed to me that I do want to stay for a few more days. But then, i do miss UK. After being away from the "virtual social community" - MSN for a long time, I went on it again last night and realised i do miss Kei Fam a lot!!! I won't be long till i come back k? need to enjoy more of singapore first for now...

OK. my breakfast is sitting next to me now, and I am sitting in the middle of my beautiful garden, which I remember last embracing its beauty with words when I was preparing mock IB.

A late Happy 2007 to all. to whoever that pass through here, with and without notice.

shean aka. daan daan

can dis be consider a new yr resolution?

3 words...

prioritise prioritise prioritise...

end of story...

2 0 0 7

二 零 零 七

很久以前，是那么地遥远。现在，我却，身 在 其 中。



2007, 写日期的时候，开始由陌生变得熟悉。可是为什么，突然之间，我有一个奇怪的想法；感觉2007仿佛只是一个过渡期的365天？

2007的存在，只为了迎接2008？2008的北京奥运，2008的毕业典礼，2008的“正式成为大人”之日，2008的2月29日, 2008的....




不管怎样，2007，步入了第3天。还有362天。倒数是没有意义的。

明天，是的，2007年1月4日，我真的要做点什么了。去年的最后一天到今天，一直呆在家里没事干。脑袋不想做功课，因为潜意识一直在催眠自己，说还是公共假日，不必那么用功嘛。谁知，明日复明日，自我谴责的声音在后脑勺也越来越响了...

不是说好，这个假期，要在放松之余也过得充实的吗？

14天，够你充实了吧。新的一年，不可以在让惰性倾翻你的人生了。蛋蛋不可以，璇风也一样。加油吧，自己。